The older I get, the grumpier I become. Old people, children and John Motson have all played a significant role in my metamorphosis, but the wife’s driving is almost certainly the overriding factor.
I’m not criticising women drivers in general. I’ve shared a ride with a number of females over the years without any complaint. Although in the interest of fairness, there wasn’t a great deal of time to voice any concerns.
The wife simply struggles to comprehend the basic rules of the road. She’s continually looking at mirrors and playing with indicators, when she should be hitting the horn like it was Lily Allen.
Her attempts at parking are equally frustrating. I’ve lost count of the number of times she’s drove past a perfectly good handicapped spot, only to park up some 50 yards further away. It’s pure selfishness.
Personally, I put her woeful driving down to a lack of confidence. I’ve told her that a few beers would solve the problem, but some people refuse to take good advice.
While these minor flaws are annoying; it’s her refusal to travel at an acceptable speed that sends me into an apoplectic rage. The wife is more than happy to trundle along at 20mph, even when there’s no one else on the motorway. She doesn’t appreciate the fact that speed limits and traffic lights are merely unhelpful suggestions.
Wayne Rooney is definitely a fan of putting his foot down; he once went over 65 in an escort. Manchester United are winning games without getting out of second gear; they’ll roar past Wigan at 1/5.
It’s been reported that a 10 year old has broken a leg after colliding with Steven Gerrard’s motor. The young lad can consider himself fortunate that Frank Lampard wasn’t driving; as he’d probably have eaten the leg. I’ll try to avoid getting knocked over in the rush to back Liverpool at 3/5 against Tottenham.
Blackburn Rovers have something in common with Steven Gerrard; they both own a flash Bentley. Mark Hughes would definitely struggle to sell his model: it looks the part, but you can’t get it to run in the summer. I’ll never grow tired of seeing 4/6 for a Blackburn win over Birmingham.
Gilberto Silva’s luck has deserted him. The World Cup winner was first stripped of the captaincy and then demoted to the bench. If I was Gilberto, I’d steer clear of the tube station. I collapsed like a Brazilian goalkeeper when I saw 1/5 for an Arsenal win against Sunderland.
Alan Curbishley will be keeping one eye on the police when he travels to Villa Park. The West Ham manager sold Marlon Harewood for £4m, so he may well be charged with robbery. It would be a crime to miss the even money for an Aston Villa win.
Michael Owen is on the verge of full fitness, a mere week after undergoing surgery. As far as I’m aware, only Jesus has ever made a quicker comeback, but records are sketchy at best. I’m praying for a Newcastle win over Everton at 11/10.
Reading may have been destroyed by Pompey last week, but I make them my nap of the week to bounce back against Derby. The Rams are about as useful as a second bedroom to Britney Spears: I’m taking the 4/5 for the Royals.
Mariah Carey has claimed to be a distant relative of Ashley Cole; but I can’t see any similarity. The singer has lost the support of thousands of one-time fans, been rocked by accusations of diva-like demands and has had numerous failed relationships with men. I can definitely see the value in backing the draw between Bolton and Chelsea at 13/5.
Gareth Southgate and Sven Goran Eriksson are not on the best of terms. The hostility can be traced back to Sven’s tenure as England manager, where he had the temerity to replace Southgate with younger, better players. It’s always unpleasant to see a high profile pair fall out so publicly, unless they belong to Jennifer Ellison. I’ll have a nice couple of quid on Manchester City at 8/11 against a goal-shy Middlesbrough.
Leroy Lita has a lot to answer for. When the wife read of his mobile phone exploits, she demanded that we follow suit. I originally said that I would only consider the suggestion ‘when hell freezes over’, but I felt the probability was too high, so I changed it to ‘when Benjani scores a hat-trick’. Pompey have tucked me up a treat, they can make it up to me by leaving Fulham with a point at 9/4.
I have no problem with a couple expressing their love via the medium of film; but if I wanted to see an excited whale, I’d rent ‘Free Willy’. Arsenal, Reading, Blackburn, Manchester City and Newcastle form an 11/1 weekend accer that will hopefully improve my disgruntled demeanour.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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Showing posts with label Gerry McDonnell. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gerry McDonnell. Show all posts
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Thursday, September 27, 2007
The Chicken or the Meg
The Chicken or the Meg
Life is full of little contradictions. When a professional gambler shops around for value, he’s lauded for his shrewdness. Yet when I apply a similar level of financial prudence outside of the betting arena, I’m considered meaner than a premenstrual Scot with a toothache.
I’m not ashamed to say that I use the same approach with my shopping budget as I do with my betting bank. Why should I pay 60p for ‘brand name’ biscuits when I can buy an almost identical packet for 15p? Admittedly, the cheapskate biscuits crumble at the merest touch, but I can let this minor flaw pass, as it’s mostly the kids who eat them.
The little ones are always on my back to improve my fitness levels. They’re pretty heavy. My frugal nature led me to scoff at wasting £200 on a gym membership; after all, I’ve got a bike at home.
My economical acumen did lead to quite an embarrassing mix-up. I was feeling a little peckish after a long stint on the exercise bike, so I decided to snack on a few of the tightwad biscuits. This adequately explains how the wife found me breathing heavily while furiously stroking the crumbs off my lap.
Lawrie Sanchez has also been on the end of a comical misunderstanding. The Fulham manager loves to sign Irish players, so when he heard of the crisis engulfing Chelsea, he made a cheeky bid to sign O’Bramovich.
The Chelsea squad are on the verge of mutiny as a result of their hard-to-please owner. Fat Frank, the Drog, Malouda: they’re all revolting.
Some of the players were in tears when Jose left, although Ashley Cole’s emotional state may be a result of Liza Minnelli’s tour drawing to a close. The 2/5 for a Chelsea win over Fulham has sent me toppling over the edge.
Michael Owen has once again been sidelined through injury. The King of the Castle has been ruled out with a double hernia: it started off as a single but he was feeling lucky. I’ll have a little punt on the draw between Manchester City and Newcastle at 23/10.
Robbie Savage has often been compared to Roy Keane. Unfortunately, the term ‘a poor man’ normally plays a significant role. The 7/4 for a Sunderland win over Blackburn can help alleviate poverty amongst the betting classes.
Unless Fernando Torres shares the wife’s rare medical condition where physical activity is only permitted once a week, he has to start against Wigan. I’ll happily back Liverpool at 4/6 if Torres starts: if he’s on the bench, I’ll lay it like it was Meg White.
Reading left it late to land a touch against Wigan last week. With two minutes to go, I was sweating like Prince Charles on Father’s Day. These Royals are pretty useful; they can leave Portsmouth with a point at 5/2.
They say that good things come in small packages, and that’s an adage to which I am forced to subscribe. Cesc Fabregas may be diminutive in stature, but he’s a true giant on the football pitch. Arsene has set the little man on fire, he’ll inspire Arsenal to a victory over West Ham at 10/11.
While Cesc is banging the goals in for fun, Andy Johnson would struggle to score at a Ronaldo house-party. I’m loving the 5/2 for a draw between Everton and Middlesbrough.
Steve Bruce is genuinely looking forward to the visit of Manchester United. It’s not a result of his Old Trafford ties, he just wants to stand next to Carlos Tevez and not be considered the ugly one.
The 4/7 for a Manchester United win over the Blues is absolutely stunning.
I’m definitely worried about this bluetongue virus. Apparently, it’s transmitted by midges, so I’m steering well clear of Sammy Lee. Bolton are worth a small bet at 7/4 against Derby.
Martin Jol appears to have lost the plot. I wouldn’t treat a dog the way Jol has treated Jermain Defoe, especially as she failed to swallow my biscuit story. Aston Villa will leave the Lane with a point at 9/4.
I’m sure the wife has shared her outrageous theory on ‘biscuitgate’ with her mother. I’ve been a nervous wreck since the incident; I just haven’t been feeling myself. Arsenal, Liverpool, Manchester United and an Everton draw form a 14/1 weekend accer that will hopefully lift my flagging spirits.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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Life is full of little contradictions. When a professional gambler shops around for value, he’s lauded for his shrewdness. Yet when I apply a similar level of financial prudence outside of the betting arena, I’m considered meaner than a premenstrual Scot with a toothache.
I’m not ashamed to say that I use the same approach with my shopping budget as I do with my betting bank. Why should I pay 60p for ‘brand name’ biscuits when I can buy an almost identical packet for 15p? Admittedly, the cheapskate biscuits crumble at the merest touch, but I can let this minor flaw pass, as it’s mostly the kids who eat them.
The little ones are always on my back to improve my fitness levels. They’re pretty heavy. My frugal nature led me to scoff at wasting £200 on a gym membership; after all, I’ve got a bike at home.
My economical acumen did lead to quite an embarrassing mix-up. I was feeling a little peckish after a long stint on the exercise bike, so I decided to snack on a few of the tightwad biscuits. This adequately explains how the wife found me breathing heavily while furiously stroking the crumbs off my lap.
Lawrie Sanchez has also been on the end of a comical misunderstanding. The Fulham manager loves to sign Irish players, so when he heard of the crisis engulfing Chelsea, he made a cheeky bid to sign O’Bramovich.
The Chelsea squad are on the verge of mutiny as a result of their hard-to-please owner. Fat Frank, the Drog, Malouda: they’re all revolting.
Some of the players were in tears when Jose left, although Ashley Cole’s emotional state may be a result of Liza Minnelli’s tour drawing to a close. The 2/5 for a Chelsea win over Fulham has sent me toppling over the edge.
Michael Owen has once again been sidelined through injury. The King of the Castle has been ruled out with a double hernia: it started off as a single but he was feeling lucky. I’ll have a little punt on the draw between Manchester City and Newcastle at 23/10.
Robbie Savage has often been compared to Roy Keane. Unfortunately, the term ‘a poor man’ normally plays a significant role. The 7/4 for a Sunderland win over Blackburn can help alleviate poverty amongst the betting classes.
Unless Fernando Torres shares the wife’s rare medical condition where physical activity is only permitted once a week, he has to start against Wigan. I’ll happily back Liverpool at 4/6 if Torres starts: if he’s on the bench, I’ll lay it like it was Meg White.
Reading left it late to land a touch against Wigan last week. With two minutes to go, I was sweating like Prince Charles on Father’s Day. These Royals are pretty useful; they can leave Portsmouth with a point at 5/2.
They say that good things come in small packages, and that’s an adage to which I am forced to subscribe. Cesc Fabregas may be diminutive in stature, but he’s a true giant on the football pitch. Arsene has set the little man on fire, he’ll inspire Arsenal to a victory over West Ham at 10/11.
While Cesc is banging the goals in for fun, Andy Johnson would struggle to score at a Ronaldo house-party. I’m loving the 5/2 for a draw between Everton and Middlesbrough.
Steve Bruce is genuinely looking forward to the visit of Manchester United. It’s not a result of his Old Trafford ties, he just wants to stand next to Carlos Tevez and not be considered the ugly one.
The 4/7 for a Manchester United win over the Blues is absolutely stunning.
I’m definitely worried about this bluetongue virus. Apparently, it’s transmitted by midges, so I’m steering well clear of Sammy Lee. Bolton are worth a small bet at 7/4 against Derby.
Martin Jol appears to have lost the plot. I wouldn’t treat a dog the way Jol has treated Jermain Defoe, especially as she failed to swallow my biscuit story. Aston Villa will leave the Lane with a point at 9/4.
I’m sure the wife has shared her outrageous theory on ‘biscuitgate’ with her mother. I’ve been a nervous wreck since the incident; I just haven’t been feeling myself. Arsenal, Liverpool, Manchester United and an Everton draw form a 14/1 weekend accer that will hopefully lift my flagging spirits.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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Thursday, September 20, 2007
Sven, I’m 6 to 4
Political correctness is an admirable concept. I warmly applaud any school of thought that helps keep Jim Davidson off the telly.
But while the PC philosophy is sound in theory; in reality, it’s beginning to spiral out of control. My youngest won’t be allowed to compete in his school’s sports day this year, as the headmistress frowns upon the notion of ‘losing’. Even fun events like the three-legged race have been cancelled, for fear of offending the McCartneys.
The policy-makers fail to realise the importance of competition. If i play ‘I Spy’ with little Goliath, and I can’t get the answer, I ground him for two weeks. There’s an important lesson here, if there are no winners in life, we may as well all pack up and move to Scotland.
The insanity of PC has also reached the catering industry. Some bright spark decided to change the name of a popular pudding to ‘Spotted Richard’ in order to ‘protect’ the bashful. There’s nothing amusing about ‘Spotted Dick’, but then again, it was my own fault for meeting up with Ulrika.
Sven Goran Eriksson has been there and done that, and I expect the smooth Swede to put up another fine performance away from home. Most bookmakers have Fulham as warm favourites for the visit of Manchester City, but I make this an each-of-two match. This one could really go either way; I’ll play the draw at 9/4.
The PC brigade have also demanded that ‘gingerbread men’ are renamed ‘gingerbread people’, to avoid upsetting the sensitive biscuit. Steve Coppell has the gingerest team ever put together outside of Ireland; I’ll be seeing red if Reading fail to do the business against Wigan at 6/5.
I’m going to have to try to adapt to this new PC environment. After all, if you can’t beat ‘em, Stan Collymore will lose all interest.
Mark Viduka is not fat, he’s merely got tremendous upper body strength. Newcastle look a touch big at 11/10 to see off the Hammers.
While Arsene Wenger was waxing lyrical over his in-form team, he used the phrase ‘very playerish’. As far as I’m aware, that doesn’t actually exist, like ‘bouncebackability’ or ‘a G-spot’. I can definitely find 1/6 for an Arsenal win over Derby.
I’m certainly not a philatelist, but i believe that Roy Keane has an impressive stamp collection. The 11/10 for a Middlesbrough win over Sunderland sticks out like Alf-Inge Haaland’s knee.
They say that curiosity killed the cat, but I refuse to rule out the McCanns at this stage. I’m seriously looking in to the 13/10 for an Aston Villa win over Everton.
I fancy Blackburn at 10/11 to win at home to Portsmouth. With Bentley, Dunn and Savage in the side, the Rovers definitely have the tools to get the result.
I hope that Pascal Chimbonda wins his race to be fit to face Bolton; he was reportedly a little bunged up. A Tottenham win is in the bag at 8/5.
Sir Alex has reported Liverpool to the Premier League for allegedly making an illegal approach to Gabriel Heinze. How surprising, someone’s getting tapped-up and a Sweaty and a bunch of Scousers are on the scene. I’m going to be all over the 1/4 for a Liverpool win over Birmingham.
A run of three matches without a win was enough for Roman Abramovich to sack Jose Mourinho. It would be fair to say that Jose’s eggs have been well and truly poached; probably by Liverpool. Manchester United are now unmissable at 5/4 against a shell-shocked Chelsea.
Peter Crouch is reportedly seething as a result of becoming a bit-part player at Anfield. One might say it’s a case of PC gone mad; if one was a pretentious nause.
My level of confidence in the 13/1 accer of Liverpool, Middlesbrough, Tottenham and Manchester United is so high; I’m going to recommend that we all bet like men. On reflection, perhaps we ought to bet like non-specific gender-neutrals.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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But while the PC philosophy is sound in theory; in reality, it’s beginning to spiral out of control. My youngest won’t be allowed to compete in his school’s sports day this year, as the headmistress frowns upon the notion of ‘losing’. Even fun events like the three-legged race have been cancelled, for fear of offending the McCartneys.
The policy-makers fail to realise the importance of competition. If i play ‘I Spy’ with little Goliath, and I can’t get the answer, I ground him for two weeks. There’s an important lesson here, if there are no winners in life, we may as well all pack up and move to Scotland.
The insanity of PC has also reached the catering industry. Some bright spark decided to change the name of a popular pudding to ‘Spotted Richard’ in order to ‘protect’ the bashful. There’s nothing amusing about ‘Spotted Dick’, but then again, it was my own fault for meeting up with Ulrika.
Sven Goran Eriksson has been there and done that, and I expect the smooth Swede to put up another fine performance away from home. Most bookmakers have Fulham as warm favourites for the visit of Manchester City, but I make this an each-of-two match. This one could really go either way; I’ll play the draw at 9/4.
The PC brigade have also demanded that ‘gingerbread men’ are renamed ‘gingerbread people’, to avoid upsetting the sensitive biscuit. Steve Coppell has the gingerest team ever put together outside of Ireland; I’ll be seeing red if Reading fail to do the business against Wigan at 6/5.
I’m going to have to try to adapt to this new PC environment. After all, if you can’t beat ‘em, Stan Collymore will lose all interest.
Mark Viduka is not fat, he’s merely got tremendous upper body strength. Newcastle look a touch big at 11/10 to see off the Hammers.
While Arsene Wenger was waxing lyrical over his in-form team, he used the phrase ‘very playerish’. As far as I’m aware, that doesn’t actually exist, like ‘bouncebackability’ or ‘a G-spot’. I can definitely find 1/6 for an Arsenal win over Derby.
I’m certainly not a philatelist, but i believe that Roy Keane has an impressive stamp collection. The 11/10 for a Middlesbrough win over Sunderland sticks out like Alf-Inge Haaland’s knee.
They say that curiosity killed the cat, but I refuse to rule out the McCanns at this stage. I’m seriously looking in to the 13/10 for an Aston Villa win over Everton.
I fancy Blackburn at 10/11 to win at home to Portsmouth. With Bentley, Dunn and Savage in the side, the Rovers definitely have the tools to get the result.
I hope that Pascal Chimbonda wins his race to be fit to face Bolton; he was reportedly a little bunged up. A Tottenham win is in the bag at 8/5.
Sir Alex has reported Liverpool to the Premier League for allegedly making an illegal approach to Gabriel Heinze. How surprising, someone’s getting tapped-up and a Sweaty and a bunch of Scousers are on the scene. I’m going to be all over the 1/4 for a Liverpool win over Birmingham.
A run of three matches without a win was enough for Roman Abramovich to sack Jose Mourinho. It would be fair to say that Jose’s eggs have been well and truly poached; probably by Liverpool. Manchester United are now unmissable at 5/4 against a shell-shocked Chelsea.
Peter Crouch is reportedly seething as a result of becoming a bit-part player at Anfield. One might say it’s a case of PC gone mad; if one was a pretentious nause.
My level of confidence in the 13/1 accer of Liverpool, Middlesbrough, Tottenham and Manchester United is so high; I’m going to recommend that we all bet like men. On reflection, perhaps we ought to bet like non-specific gender-neutrals.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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Thursday, September 6, 2007
The Catcher in the Guy
The Catcher in the Guy
The wife has got to make a meal out of everything. When giving birth, most women are in and out in a few hours with minimal whining, but the wife had to have ‘complications’. I can’t remember the exact excuse she gave for her extended three-day stay, I think it was something like a rupture, a breach, or the bed had collapsed.
While the wife was living it up in the ward with a newborn and a variety of painkillers, I was left home alone. As with all of life’s little problems, the solution lay at the bottom of a pint glass. Unsurprisingly, my bank balance took a real beating, as I ended up in a particularly expensive round…barmaid.
My actions were perfectly justified as desperate times call for desperate measures. Steve McClaren can empathise, he’s recalled Emile Heskey to the England squad.
Emile will always have supporters because of his size. Heskey could easily be mistaken for the side of a house, only he’s more static. There’s an often repeated fallacy that big men don’t have a good touch; with Emile, it’s purely a coincidence.
A few shrewd footy observers have spoken of Heskey’s improved form over the past couple of years. This may well be true, but he’ll never be a Pele; although he does remain impotent on the international stage.
England’s midfield will also be under-strength. Owen Hargreaves has joined Beckham and Lennon on the treatment table and Frank Lampard has withdrawn with a thigh problem: he should really have called it a day after a bucket of wings.
The goalkeeping position is also up in the air. McClaren is expected to replace Paul Robinson with David James, which is like swapping gonorrhea for piles.
I accept that sometimes you have to go backwards to move forward, but that only works for female drivers. The England old boys are far too short at 4/11 against a capable Israeli side; the draw is the only way to play at 7/2.
People are quick to have a go at the Scots, but if it wasn’t for our skirt-wearing neighbours, we wouldn’t have television, the bicycle, penicillin, the telephone, or ginger children. Those Sweaties will try anything after a few swallies. I’ll raise a glass of Buckfast and Irn Bru to the 4/11 for a Scottish win over Lithuania.
‘Robbie Keane football shirts’ are currently the second-best selling product in Ireland; only the enduring popularity of the potato-peeler has kept them off top spot. The talismanic Keane can inspire the Irish to a win in Slovakia at 15/8.
The German team are a lot like me this weekend; we’re both going to be pounding Wales. It’ll be World War III if I miss out on the 1/2 for Germany.
Thierry Henry must be devastated after his marriage officially ended this week. The delightful Claire Merry cited ‘unreasonable behaviour’ on her divorce petition, so naturally the judge gave her a quickie. I’m separating the bookies from their cash by backing Italy at 13/10 to take out the French.
If you believe the tabloids, Ronaldo, Nani, Anderson and a ‘fat guy’ have all been gorging on expensive tarts. I can confirm that Wayne Rooney is definitely not the mysterious fourth party, as he only gets involved when the pastry is slightly wrinkled. I absolutely refuse to discriminate against the 4/9 for a Portugal win over Poland.
I have no problem with Ronaldo celebrating last week’s winning accer by playing immoral ball-games; I just want to know if he was throwing or catching. Scotland, Ireland, Italy and Portugal form an 11/1 weekend accer that will hopefully lead to a definitive answer.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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The wife has got to make a meal out of everything. When giving birth, most women are in and out in a few hours with minimal whining, but the wife had to have ‘complications’. I can’t remember the exact excuse she gave for her extended three-day stay, I think it was something like a rupture, a breach, or the bed had collapsed.
While the wife was living it up in the ward with a newborn and a variety of painkillers, I was left home alone. As with all of life’s little problems, the solution lay at the bottom of a pint glass. Unsurprisingly, my bank balance took a real beating, as I ended up in a particularly expensive round…barmaid.
My actions were perfectly justified as desperate times call for desperate measures. Steve McClaren can empathise, he’s recalled Emile Heskey to the England squad.
Emile will always have supporters because of his size. Heskey could easily be mistaken for the side of a house, only he’s more static. There’s an often repeated fallacy that big men don’t have a good touch; with Emile, it’s purely a coincidence.
A few shrewd footy observers have spoken of Heskey’s improved form over the past couple of years. This may well be true, but he’ll never be a Pele; although he does remain impotent on the international stage.
England’s midfield will also be under-strength. Owen Hargreaves has joined Beckham and Lennon on the treatment table and Frank Lampard has withdrawn with a thigh problem: he should really have called it a day after a bucket of wings.
The goalkeeping position is also up in the air. McClaren is expected to replace Paul Robinson with David James, which is like swapping gonorrhea for piles.
I accept that sometimes you have to go backwards to move forward, but that only works for female drivers. The England old boys are far too short at 4/11 against a capable Israeli side; the draw is the only way to play at 7/2.
People are quick to have a go at the Scots, but if it wasn’t for our skirt-wearing neighbours, we wouldn’t have television, the bicycle, penicillin, the telephone, or ginger children. Those Sweaties will try anything after a few swallies. I’ll raise a glass of Buckfast and Irn Bru to the 4/11 for a Scottish win over Lithuania.
‘Robbie Keane football shirts’ are currently the second-best selling product in Ireland; only the enduring popularity of the potato-peeler has kept them off top spot. The talismanic Keane can inspire the Irish to a win in Slovakia at 15/8.
The German team are a lot like me this weekend; we’re both going to be pounding Wales. It’ll be World War III if I miss out on the 1/2 for Germany.
Thierry Henry must be devastated after his marriage officially ended this week. The delightful Claire Merry cited ‘unreasonable behaviour’ on her divorce petition, so naturally the judge gave her a quickie. I’m separating the bookies from their cash by backing Italy at 13/10 to take out the French.
If you believe the tabloids, Ronaldo, Nani, Anderson and a ‘fat guy’ have all been gorging on expensive tarts. I can confirm that Wayne Rooney is definitely not the mysterious fourth party, as he only gets involved when the pastry is slightly wrinkled. I absolutely refuse to discriminate against the 4/9 for a Portugal win over Poland.
I have no problem with Ronaldo celebrating last week’s winning accer by playing immoral ball-games; I just want to know if he was throwing or catching. Scotland, Ireland, Italy and Portugal form an 11/1 weekend accer that will hopefully lead to a definitive answer.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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Thursday, August 30, 2007
Girls Allowed? It’s Encouraged
I’ve recently learned the hard way that you should never discuss politics and religion. My lodger and I became embroiled in a furious row over the conflict in Iraq. Dave was very vocal in his condemnation of Bush; but he flew off the handle when I criticised Brown. It almost came to blows.
The day after our acrimonious political altercation, we fell out over his attempt to convert the wife into devout Christianity. I was less than pleased when I arrived home from work early to hear a chant of “Oh God” emanating from the spare bedroom.
As a result of our constant bickering, I had to ask Dave to move out. He didn’t react well to my decision; he tried to smash my back door in. The wife was extremely disappointed with the unpleasant outcome, as she’d literally bent over backwards to make him feel welcome.
Roy Keane and Alex Ferguson can empathise with my predicament. Sir Alex had to offload the busy Irishman after he criticised a number of team-mates. I can understand why Fergie was so upset; only a mug would buy Kieran Richardson after Keane’s vitriolic volley.
The return of United’s prodigal son has added real spice to Sunderland’s trip to Old Trafford. A case can be made for backing the Mackems at 18/1, but it has more holes than Amy Winehouse. I have to side with Manchester United at 1/4.
Robbie Savage has his critics, but I’d happily place the Welshman alongside Keane, Vieira and Makelele; if I was creating an ‘odd one out’ question. The 5/4 for a Blackburn win over Manchester City stands out like a sore thumb.
When I heard that Kieron Dyer had broken his leg in two places, my immediate thoughts were ‘Lee Bowyer’s house’ and ‘Craig Bellamy’s golf club’. West Ham are a different side to the team that were on the end of a 6-0 shoeing at Reading last season, the Hammers can take revenge at 23/10.
Cheryl Cole surprisingly turned down a £150,000 Bentley from her wealthy husband, because she felt ‘she didn’t earn it’. The solution is pretty obvious. I’m going down the bookies to take 13/5 for a draw between Aston Villa and Chelsea.
I’d love to see Sammy Lee succeed at Bolton, but the only way he’ll still be employed at Christmas is if he finds six pals. An Everton win at the Reebok is available at 2/1; that’s plenty big enough.
How on earth were Fulham not awarded a penalty against Aston Villa last week? Craig Gardner’s handling in the area was so impressive; Petr Cech and John Terry both rang to congratulate him. Lawrie Sanchez is probably the unluckiest manager in the league at the minute, Spurs can take advantage at 11/8.
Pompey are set to release David Nugent a mere month after splashing out £6m on him. Such an eventuality would have been a 999/1 shot on the exchanges, but it wouldn’t have lasted long. The 8/15 for Arsenal beating Pompey is equally as attractive.
Liverpool v Derby may well prove to be the greatest mismatch since Kate Moss paired off with Pete Doherty. The master songsmith could have done a lot better. You won’t find a bigger banker than Liverpool at 2/9.
I was disappointed to see Mido react to inflammatory chants last weekend. A professional footballer is paid handsomely to ignore provocation from the crowd, and Mido makes good bread. All of our finances will receive a boost if we take the 11/10 for a Middlesbrough win over Birmingham.
The FA’s decision to launch an enquiry into the Newcastle supporters’ behaviour is typically over the top. If you ask me, it’s being blown out of all proportion. I’ll happily make a fuss over the 3/4 for a Newcastle win over Wigan.
Mido labelled the offending supporters as ‘drunks’ after the match, which I found quite offensive. I partake in the occasional swift few beers myself, but I’m not a drunk; I’m a connoisseur of the liquid bint-thinner. A 14/1 weekend accer of Middlesbrough, Newcastle, Man Utd, Arsenal and Blackburn will pay for enough lager to drop the wife down a few sizes.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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The day after our acrimonious political altercation, we fell out over his attempt to convert the wife into devout Christianity. I was less than pleased when I arrived home from work early to hear a chant of “Oh God” emanating from the spare bedroom.
As a result of our constant bickering, I had to ask Dave to move out. He didn’t react well to my decision; he tried to smash my back door in. The wife was extremely disappointed with the unpleasant outcome, as she’d literally bent over backwards to make him feel welcome.
Roy Keane and Alex Ferguson can empathise with my predicament. Sir Alex had to offload the busy Irishman after he criticised a number of team-mates. I can understand why Fergie was so upset; only a mug would buy Kieran Richardson after Keane’s vitriolic volley.
The return of United’s prodigal son has added real spice to Sunderland’s trip to Old Trafford. A case can be made for backing the Mackems at 18/1, but it has more holes than Amy Winehouse. I have to side with Manchester United at 1/4.
Robbie Savage has his critics, but I’d happily place the Welshman alongside Keane, Vieira and Makelele; if I was creating an ‘odd one out’ question. The 5/4 for a Blackburn win over Manchester City stands out like a sore thumb.
When I heard that Kieron Dyer had broken his leg in two places, my immediate thoughts were ‘Lee Bowyer’s house’ and ‘Craig Bellamy’s golf club’. West Ham are a different side to the team that were on the end of a 6-0 shoeing at Reading last season, the Hammers can take revenge at 23/10.
Cheryl Cole surprisingly turned down a £150,000 Bentley from her wealthy husband, because she felt ‘she didn’t earn it’. The solution is pretty obvious. I’m going down the bookies to take 13/5 for a draw between Aston Villa and Chelsea.
I’d love to see Sammy Lee succeed at Bolton, but the only way he’ll still be employed at Christmas is if he finds six pals. An Everton win at the Reebok is available at 2/1; that’s plenty big enough.
How on earth were Fulham not awarded a penalty against Aston Villa last week? Craig Gardner’s handling in the area was so impressive; Petr Cech and John Terry both rang to congratulate him. Lawrie Sanchez is probably the unluckiest manager in the league at the minute, Spurs can take advantage at 11/8.
Pompey are set to release David Nugent a mere month after splashing out £6m on him. Such an eventuality would have been a 999/1 shot on the exchanges, but it wouldn’t have lasted long. The 8/15 for Arsenal beating Pompey is equally as attractive.
Liverpool v Derby may well prove to be the greatest mismatch since Kate Moss paired off with Pete Doherty. The master songsmith could have done a lot better. You won’t find a bigger banker than Liverpool at 2/9.
I was disappointed to see Mido react to inflammatory chants last weekend. A professional footballer is paid handsomely to ignore provocation from the crowd, and Mido makes good bread. All of our finances will receive a boost if we take the 11/10 for a Middlesbrough win over Birmingham.
The FA’s decision to launch an enquiry into the Newcastle supporters’ behaviour is typically over the top. If you ask me, it’s being blown out of all proportion. I’ll happily make a fuss over the 3/4 for a Newcastle win over Wigan.
Mido labelled the offending supporters as ‘drunks’ after the match, which I found quite offensive. I partake in the occasional swift few beers myself, but I’m not a drunk; I’m a connoisseur of the liquid bint-thinner. A 14/1 weekend accer of Middlesbrough, Newcastle, Man Utd, Arsenal and Blackburn will pay for enough lager to drop the wife down a few sizes.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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Monday, August 27, 2007
Ding Dong, Merry Lee on High . . . . . . Aka . . . . . . For Poon the Bell Tolls
Technology is not always a blessing. The growth of industrial automation has led to a good friend of mine losing his job. I accept that the confectionary industry has every right to make the despatch of its products more cost-effective, but that doesn’t help the out-of-work fudge-packer.
Being a humanitarian, I’ve asked Dave to stay at my house for a while until he finds his feet; which coincidentally is a problem for the wife.
The evil one nearly fainted when he moved his belongings in, as he was accompanied by a nine-foot long python. Even the fact that the reptile was visually impaired failed to calm her nerves, I had to constantly reassure her that she was in no danger from Dave’s one-eyed snake.
My pal has always had a soft spot for animals; he even cries when Blackburn have a player sent off. The wild Rovers face a tough trip to Goodison Park; I’ll be in tears if it doesn’t end in a draw at 9/4.
Dave should try to get a job with the Premier League, as they abhor technology. Middlesbrough aren’t complaining though; they managed to pull off the most blatant robbery at a Cottage since Fred Barras. If the officials are kind enough to allow Newcastle a goal when they put the ball over the line, they can leave the Riverside with three points at 19/10.
Rafa Benitez deserves praise for the signing of Torres and the repositioning of Gerrard, but I remain wholly unconvinced by the goatee. I can’t quite put my finger on what it reminds me of, but I know my mate Dave doesn’t like it. I’m loving the 11/4 for a draw between Sunderland and Liverpool.
It’s not often you’ll see ‘Sven Goran Eriksson’ and ‘clean sheets’ in the same sentence, but it’s three wins out of three for the Manchester City manager without conceding a goal. Bookmakers have priced up Arsenal at a huge 4/6 as a result of Sven’s perfect start: that’s nap bet material.
Chelsea players are being a little bit naughty in constantly haranguing the referee. John Terry is the worst culprit, he’s definitely the master baiter. You have to like the 3/10 for a Chelsea win against Pompey; they’ll win with a little something in hand.
Antti Niemi is set to return for Fulham after recovering from a wrist injury; presumably picked up while playing against Robbie Savage. I don’t think he’ll enjoy his first game back, it’ll prove something of an anticlimax. The Villa are a confident call at 5/6.
It’s been an awful start to the season for Bolton; they’re as pointless as a salad bowl in Chez Lampard. Things are finally going their way now though; El Hadji Diouf wants to leave. Sammy Lee will be ecstatic if Bolton pick up their first points of the season at home to Reading. At 7/5, I’m priced in.
Derby v Birmingham was a Championship match last season: there’s a fair chance it will be a Championship match next season. I can’t see past a draw at 9/4.
Craig Bellamy withdrew from the Wales squad in midweek as his bint was dropping a little cash-grabber. On reflection, he probably should have withdrawn a little earlier. The even money for West Ham beating Wigan is worth staying in for.
Manchester United are unmissable at 8/15 at home to Spurs. United have had an astonishing 61 shots on goal in their three Premiership matches this season and Tottenham have Paul Robinson in goal. The prosecution rests.
Spurs can consider themselves fortunate that Ronaldo received a three-match ban for violent conduct. My mate Dave thought the Portuguese winger got off lightly; he wanted to see his butt more severely punished. My cheeks will be red if this week’s accer fails to oblige: Arsenal, Aston Villa, Bolton, West Ham and Manchester United will come to my rescue at an ostentatious 20/1.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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Being a humanitarian, I’ve asked Dave to stay at my house for a while until he finds his feet; which coincidentally is a problem for the wife.
The evil one nearly fainted when he moved his belongings in, as he was accompanied by a nine-foot long python. Even the fact that the reptile was visually impaired failed to calm her nerves, I had to constantly reassure her that she was in no danger from Dave’s one-eyed snake.
My pal has always had a soft spot for animals; he even cries when Blackburn have a player sent off. The wild Rovers face a tough trip to Goodison Park; I’ll be in tears if it doesn’t end in a draw at 9/4.
Dave should try to get a job with the Premier League, as they abhor technology. Middlesbrough aren’t complaining though; they managed to pull off the most blatant robbery at a Cottage since Fred Barras. If the officials are kind enough to allow Newcastle a goal when they put the ball over the line, they can leave the Riverside with three points at 19/10.
Rafa Benitez deserves praise for the signing of Torres and the repositioning of Gerrard, but I remain wholly unconvinced by the goatee. I can’t quite put my finger on what it reminds me of, but I know my mate Dave doesn’t like it. I’m loving the 11/4 for a draw between Sunderland and Liverpool.
It’s not often you’ll see ‘Sven Goran Eriksson’ and ‘clean sheets’ in the same sentence, but it’s three wins out of three for the Manchester City manager without conceding a goal. Bookmakers have priced up Arsenal at a huge 4/6 as a result of Sven’s perfect start: that’s nap bet material.
Chelsea players are being a little bit naughty in constantly haranguing the referee. John Terry is the worst culprit, he’s definitely the master baiter. You have to like the 3/10 for a Chelsea win against Pompey; they’ll win with a little something in hand.
Antti Niemi is set to return for Fulham after recovering from a wrist injury; presumably picked up while playing against Robbie Savage. I don’t think he’ll enjoy his first game back, it’ll prove something of an anticlimax. The Villa are a confident call at 5/6.
It’s been an awful start to the season for Bolton; they’re as pointless as a salad bowl in Chez Lampard. Things are finally going their way now though; El Hadji Diouf wants to leave. Sammy Lee will be ecstatic if Bolton pick up their first points of the season at home to Reading. At 7/5, I’m priced in.
Derby v Birmingham was a Championship match last season: there’s a fair chance it will be a Championship match next season. I can’t see past a draw at 9/4.
Craig Bellamy withdrew from the Wales squad in midweek as his bint was dropping a little cash-grabber. On reflection, he probably should have withdrawn a little earlier. The even money for West Ham beating Wigan is worth staying in for.
Manchester United are unmissable at 8/15 at home to Spurs. United have had an astonishing 61 shots on goal in their three Premiership matches this season and Tottenham have Paul Robinson in goal. The prosecution rests.
Spurs can consider themselves fortunate that Ronaldo received a three-match ban for violent conduct. My mate Dave thought the Portuguese winger got off lightly; he wanted to see his butt more severely punished. My cheeks will be red if this week’s accer fails to oblige: Arsenal, Aston Villa, Bolton, West Ham and Manchester United will come to my rescue at an ostentatious 20/1.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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Thursday, July 12, 2007
A Ruck and a Charred Plaice
We all do things in life that we later regret. More often than not; it involves pairing off with a tubster after a heavy night on the ale; or ‘Lenny Henry syndrome’ as it’s known on the street.
I am particularly ashamed of my behaviour while on a family holiday in Greece. The hotel manager struggled to understand the wife’s thick Glaswegian accent, and jumped to the conclusion that she was mentally challenged. I should really have set him straight, but a good parking space is hard to find.
Being married to a Sweaty does have its drawbacks though, as an outbreak of violence is always just around the corner. I remember when I foolishly overcooked her fish supper: she dropped the nut more than a KP rep with Parkinson’s.
Her family are all of a similar ilk. Her older brother used to fight professionally until he lost both legs in a tragic caber-tossing accident. Boxing aficionados will probably be familiar with the name of Willy Nick McCrack; he went 16 fights without defeat.
As a result of seeing a multitude of scraps, i now consider myself a leading expert in the fight game. Amir Khan is an absolute stone-cold certainly at 1/12 against Willie Limond. At that price, i’d happily get on Jemima.
Limond has only fought a quality opponent on one previous occasion; and it ended in a one-sided defeat. Alex Arthur literally took him to school that day; the headmistress had to have them both escorted off the premises. I’ll take 5/1 for the referee stopping the fight in the seventh or eighth round.
The Yanks could find themselves in all sorts of bother when the Open Championship tees off on Thursday. Carnoustie is known as ‘the beast’, and needless to say, I’ve been on it on quite a few occasions. I found it a thoroughly unpleasant experience; I got myself in all sorts of trouble on the approach to the second hole.
It’s definitely worth opposing the Tiger as the unfavourable conditions will prove a real leveller. It wouldn’t surprise me if a complete no-hoper won, even Montgomerie can not be ruled out at this stage. I’ll be having a little each-way tickle on the in form Justin Rose at 30/1.
It’s been reported that Frank Lampard spent two hours alone with a ‘female friend’ in a Las Vegas hotel suite. Frank was quick to deny accusations of any wrongdoing, and personally I believe him, it must take at least 90 minutes for his dinner to be delivered.
When confronted by the news that Lampard is a high profile sportsman with a fiancé at home, Frank’s ‘acquaintance’ moaned, “This is terrible. I don’t know what to do. This is a nightmare.” Lenny Henry syndrome respects no borders. I’ll be truly devastated if I miss Argentina at 6/5 in the Copa America finale.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
I am particularly ashamed of my behaviour while on a family holiday in Greece. The hotel manager struggled to understand the wife’s thick Glaswegian accent, and jumped to the conclusion that she was mentally challenged. I should really have set him straight, but a good parking space is hard to find.
Being married to a Sweaty does have its drawbacks though, as an outbreak of violence is always just around the corner. I remember when I foolishly overcooked her fish supper: she dropped the nut more than a KP rep with Parkinson’s.
Her family are all of a similar ilk. Her older brother used to fight professionally until he lost both legs in a tragic caber-tossing accident. Boxing aficionados will probably be familiar with the name of Willy Nick McCrack; he went 16 fights without defeat.
As a result of seeing a multitude of scraps, i now consider myself a leading expert in the fight game. Amir Khan is an absolute stone-cold certainly at 1/12 against Willie Limond. At that price, i’d happily get on Jemima.
Limond has only fought a quality opponent on one previous occasion; and it ended in a one-sided defeat. Alex Arthur literally took him to school that day; the headmistress had to have them both escorted off the premises. I’ll take 5/1 for the referee stopping the fight in the seventh or eighth round.
The Yanks could find themselves in all sorts of bother when the Open Championship tees off on Thursday. Carnoustie is known as ‘the beast’, and needless to say, I’ve been on it on quite a few occasions. I found it a thoroughly unpleasant experience; I got myself in all sorts of trouble on the approach to the second hole.
It’s definitely worth opposing the Tiger as the unfavourable conditions will prove a real leveller. It wouldn’t surprise me if a complete no-hoper won, even Montgomerie can not be ruled out at this stage. I’ll be having a little each-way tickle on the in form Justin Rose at 30/1.
It’s been reported that Frank Lampard spent two hours alone with a ‘female friend’ in a Las Vegas hotel suite. Frank was quick to deny accusations of any wrongdoing, and personally I believe him, it must take at least 90 minutes for his dinner to be delivered.
When confronted by the news that Lampard is a high profile sportsman with a fiancé at home, Frank’s ‘acquaintance’ moaned, “This is terrible. I don’t know what to do. This is a nightmare.” Lenny Henry syndrome respects no borders. I’ll be truly devastated if I miss Argentina at 6/5 in the Copa America finale.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Hate Days are Weak
Smarter people than me, if such a group actually exist, have struggled to find a solution to the threat of terror. Islamic fundamentalists are often berated, but I have a certain amount of sympathy for their plight: if I couldn’t have a bet or a bacon sandwich, I’d probably be suicidal myself.
I don’t want to ram my own theories down anyone’s throat (if I was to ram anything down somebody’s throat, it wouldn’t be a theory), but the only way we can move forward as a multicultural society is to embrace the concept of secularism. The only church I would ever enter is the tubby Welsh one, and I’d need a good few ales beforehand to warm the goggles up.
To hate your fellow man because of the way he lives is absurd, but to hate because of the way a person looks is the height of stupidity. The make-up of skin colour is merely a solitary letter out of the 3.1 billion letters of human DNA. You don’t have to be Stephen Hawking to realise the idiocy of racism, even Mrs Hawking could work that one out; if she wasn’t down the gym working the bags.
The world looked on in disgust as little as 50 years ago in Alabama, when a group of Caucasians chased after anyone with a darker skin. Yet somewhat ironically, the whole of Britain will cheer a repeat in the Grand Prix on Sunday afternoon.
Lewis Hamilton is undoubtedly the natural heir to German cheating-machine Michael Schumacher. Bookmakers are offering odds of 11/4 about Lewis winning at Silverstone, that’s a racing certainty.
I was overjoyed to read that the Ferrari had caught up with McLaren, but my happiness subsided as I realised this had nothing to do with football. As a result of Raikkonen’s win in Paris, Hamilton can now be backed at 8/13 to win the world championship. It’s time to top up.
Tennis is a sport that absolutely refuses to segregate; they’ll happily accept any middle-class youngster into their ranks.
This year’s Wimbledon has been ruined by the atrocious weather. It’s been confirmed that we endured the wettest June for 50 years; only Terry can be happy about that.
I blame the rain for Mauresmo making an early exit from the tournament; you can’t produce your best tennis if your balls are all soggy. I’ve decided to now get on Justine Henin at 4/9, she’s a lucky girl.
Sexism is another one of my pet-hates. I honestly believe that a woman can do anything that a man tells her to. I can’t see any of the girls winning Big Brother though; if I had to point to a winner from any of the original housemates, I could only raise my finger to Amanda. Liam has to be supported at 7/2 for outright glory; it’s one of the best bets ever.
The great thing about cycling is the multinational nature of the sport. A person of any race, religion or sexual orientation can succeed, as long as they’re prepared to put in the years of hard graft needed to find a quality chemist.
Riding a bike in treacherous surroundings may sound unappealing, yet you never hear a word of complaint from Peter Andre. My sources tell me that Alejandro Valverde is a live runner in the Tour De France; I’ll be getting on at 6/1.
Homophobia remains prevalent in today’s society. Personally, I can’t see the problem with Prince Edward bringing up a baby. The 4/6 for England winning their one-day rubber-match against the West Indies is incredibly cute.
Smokers are another group who are unfairly discriminated against. I just hope there’s no truth in the rumour that a young Glaswegian will be prosecuted for lighting up in an airport. The 10/3 for Chile holding Brazil to a draw in their Copa America quarter-final will help recoup any draconian fine.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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I don’t want to ram my own theories down anyone’s throat (if I was to ram anything down somebody’s throat, it wouldn’t be a theory), but the only way we can move forward as a multicultural society is to embrace the concept of secularism. The only church I would ever enter is the tubby Welsh one, and I’d need a good few ales beforehand to warm the goggles up.
To hate your fellow man because of the way he lives is absurd, but to hate because of the way a person looks is the height of stupidity. The make-up of skin colour is merely a solitary letter out of the 3.1 billion letters of human DNA. You don’t have to be Stephen Hawking to realise the idiocy of racism, even Mrs Hawking could work that one out; if she wasn’t down the gym working the bags.
The world looked on in disgust as little as 50 years ago in Alabama, when a group of Caucasians chased after anyone with a darker skin. Yet somewhat ironically, the whole of Britain will cheer a repeat in the Grand Prix on Sunday afternoon.
Lewis Hamilton is undoubtedly the natural heir to German cheating-machine Michael Schumacher. Bookmakers are offering odds of 11/4 about Lewis winning at Silverstone, that’s a racing certainty.
I was overjoyed to read that the Ferrari had caught up with McLaren, but my happiness subsided as I realised this had nothing to do with football. As a result of Raikkonen’s win in Paris, Hamilton can now be backed at 8/13 to win the world championship. It’s time to top up.
Tennis is a sport that absolutely refuses to segregate; they’ll happily accept any middle-class youngster into their ranks.
This year’s Wimbledon has been ruined by the atrocious weather. It’s been confirmed that we endured the wettest June for 50 years; only Terry can be happy about that.
I blame the rain for Mauresmo making an early exit from the tournament; you can’t produce your best tennis if your balls are all soggy. I’ve decided to now get on Justine Henin at 4/9, she’s a lucky girl.
Sexism is another one of my pet-hates. I honestly believe that a woman can do anything that a man tells her to. I can’t see any of the girls winning Big Brother though; if I had to point to a winner from any of the original housemates, I could only raise my finger to Amanda. Liam has to be supported at 7/2 for outright glory; it’s one of the best bets ever.
The great thing about cycling is the multinational nature of the sport. A person of any race, religion or sexual orientation can succeed, as long as they’re prepared to put in the years of hard graft needed to find a quality chemist.
Riding a bike in treacherous surroundings may sound unappealing, yet you never hear a word of complaint from Peter Andre. My sources tell me that Alejandro Valverde is a live runner in the Tour De France; I’ll be getting on at 6/1.
Homophobia remains prevalent in today’s society. Personally, I can’t see the problem with Prince Edward bringing up a baby. The 4/6 for England winning their one-day rubber-match against the West Indies is incredibly cute.
Smokers are another group who are unfairly discriminated against. I just hope there’s no truth in the rumour that a young Glaswegian will be prosecuted for lighting up in an airport. The 10/3 for Chile holding Brazil to a draw in their Copa America quarter-final will help recoup any draconian fine.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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Thursday, June 28, 2007
A Small Murphy’s…Maybe
I have nothing but admiration for the reunited Spice Girls. Their music may have been atrocious, and you’d struggle to find a greater collection of dogs outside of Battersea, but their trailblazing work in the field of ginger acceptance remains unsurpassed.
The minging quintet penetrated the public consciousness to such an unprecedented degree that the entire English language evolved as a result. The bints were slightly embarrassed when the meaningless soundbite ‘Girl Power’ made it into the dictionary, but the moth-eaten, passé, semi-fossilised has-beens are rightfully proud of their place in the official betting glossary.
The ‘Baby’ bet is the absolute certainty: it only goes down on rare occasions. The ‘Sporty’ is the one that looked good in the beginning, but on closer reflection; it could really go either way. The ‘Ginger’ is the loose punt you only consider after a few pints. The ‘Posh’ is the all-in mug’s bet, where you end up living on bread and water for a week, and the ‘Scary’ is a complete guess, like when Mel B reached the ‘father’s section’ on her daughter’s birth certificate.
I like to think that my ante-post football bets are straight out of the ‘Baby’ drawer. Manchester United won the league last season with Darren Fletcher, Park Ji Sung and John O’Shea all playing a prominent role. The deadwood will now be replaced by Hargreaves, Anderson and Wayne Rooney’s personal favourite, Nani. The 13/8 for the champions retaining their title is an exquisite piece of business.
In the relegation market, I will be going in hard on Wigan. The appointment of Chris Hutchings is probably reason enough, but the signing of Titus Bramble is an absolute clincher. Get on now at 11/8, or face a level of disappointment unseen since Eddie Murphy last opened his mail.
I used to really enjoy playing cricket at school, but my dreams of becoming a fast bowler were shattered by a particularly cruel PE teacher. I still remember the day he pulled me to one side and told me I had a disappointing length.
The whole set up of the sport is fundamentally flawed though; if I wanted a game to last five days I’d challenge the wife to noughts and crosses.
The one-day international is a far more entertaining spectacle. England have been priced up at 4/7 to see off the ineffectual Windies in Sunday’s opener; I’d be considering getting on if KP was playing on his own.
Big Brother’s Tracey remains a surprisingly popular figure outside of the house. Celebrities to have spoken up on her behalf include Eddie Izzard, Dana International and Hayley from Coronation Street. Nice guy Liam can still be backed at 9/2 for outright glory: that’s an old fashioned shoo-in.
I find playing darts quite frustrating; there’s nothing more embarrassing than suffering a bounce-out when you’re on top. Paul McCartney refuses to watch an entire match; he’s just happy to see a couple of legs. Phil Taylor is a clear favourite for the Las Vegas Desert Classic that kicks off on Monday, probably because of his years of experience at trying to get three in a bed. Barney is the new power; get on at 5/2.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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The minging quintet penetrated the public consciousness to such an unprecedented degree that the entire English language evolved as a result. The bints were slightly embarrassed when the meaningless soundbite ‘Girl Power’ made it into the dictionary, but the moth-eaten, passé, semi-fossilised has-beens are rightfully proud of their place in the official betting glossary.
The ‘Baby’ bet is the absolute certainty: it only goes down on rare occasions. The ‘Sporty’ is the one that looked good in the beginning, but on closer reflection; it could really go either way. The ‘Ginger’ is the loose punt you only consider after a few pints. The ‘Posh’ is the all-in mug’s bet, where you end up living on bread and water for a week, and the ‘Scary’ is a complete guess, like when Mel B reached the ‘father’s section’ on her daughter’s birth certificate.
I like to think that my ante-post football bets are straight out of the ‘Baby’ drawer. Manchester United won the league last season with Darren Fletcher, Park Ji Sung and John O’Shea all playing a prominent role. The deadwood will now be replaced by Hargreaves, Anderson and Wayne Rooney’s personal favourite, Nani. The 13/8 for the champions retaining their title is an exquisite piece of business.
In the relegation market, I will be going in hard on Wigan. The appointment of Chris Hutchings is probably reason enough, but the signing of Titus Bramble is an absolute clincher. Get on now at 11/8, or face a level of disappointment unseen since Eddie Murphy last opened his mail.
I used to really enjoy playing cricket at school, but my dreams of becoming a fast bowler were shattered by a particularly cruel PE teacher. I still remember the day he pulled me to one side and told me I had a disappointing length.
The whole set up of the sport is fundamentally flawed though; if I wanted a game to last five days I’d challenge the wife to noughts and crosses.
The one-day international is a far more entertaining spectacle. England have been priced up at 4/7 to see off the ineffectual Windies in Sunday’s opener; I’d be considering getting on if KP was playing on his own.
Big Brother’s Tracey remains a surprisingly popular figure outside of the house. Celebrities to have spoken up on her behalf include Eddie Izzard, Dana International and Hayley from Coronation Street. Nice guy Liam can still be backed at 9/2 for outright glory: that’s an old fashioned shoo-in.
I find playing darts quite frustrating; there’s nothing more embarrassing than suffering a bounce-out when you’re on top. Paul McCartney refuses to watch an entire match; he’s just happy to see a couple of legs. Phil Taylor is a clear favourite for the Las Vegas Desert Classic that kicks off on Monday, probably because of his years of experience at trying to get three in a bed. Barney is the new power; get on at 5/2.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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Thursday, June 21, 2007
A Chick with a Pick
I'm unwilling to pigeon hole myself politically, but if forced, I would happily place myself in the ‘frustrated feminist’ box. If I was around in the early part of the twentieth century I’d have been more than happy to burn bras with the Suffragettes, as it’s a literally evil contraption.
The bra-burning remains a point of contention amongst the modern day collection of men-haters, but the fact that these freedom-fighters went on hunger strike to promote their cause is a recorded fact; although they may have just wanted to lose a bit of weight in order to catch a husband.
Lefty troublemaker Emmeline Pankhurst would have got her reinforced knickers in a twist over Wimbledon’s antiquated policy of paying the men more than the bints. In the All England Club’s defence, they probably had to insure against a cushion dispute escalating into violence, or a mouse stopping play. This year, the lovely ladies will receive identical restitution to their completely equal in every way male counterparts.
Amelie Mauresmo will be ecstatic with this development. The reigning ladies champion looks a great shout at 12/1 to get her shovel-hands on the improved wedge. Grass courts always suit the big hitters, and they don’t get any bigger than the gigantic Frenchman.
In the men’s draw, big things are expected of rising star Andy Murray. A good run may well lead to the injury-prone Sweaty being promoted to a Brit.
Roger Federer is the man they all have to beat. The Swiss genius has a backhand so strong; Lee Chapman can only look on in envy. The Fed Express is a good thing at 4/9.
Organisers expect to sell 60,000 pounds of strawberries and 1,500 gallons of cream during the Wimbledon fortnight, although that figure will collapse if Frank Lampard fails to show. Tim Henman will definitely turn up, but he’ll be lucky to see the second round.
The Copa America kicks off on Tuesday and it’s a straight two horse war between the Brazilians and the Argentineans. The Samba Boys will be without a tired Kaka and Ronaldinho has also withdrawn following advice from his dental hygienist. I’m getting my teeth into the Argies at a delightful 17/10.
Controversy surrounds Wayne Rooney’s involvement in Ricky Hatton’s super-fight against Jose Luis Castillo. Wayne is a now so nervous about his role, there’s a real chance that he may drop his belt in Las Vegas. Castillo has looked jaded following his wars with Corrales, the 4/7 for the Hitman is particularly striking.
The final of the Under-21 Championships will pit the total football of the Dutch against the thuggish Serbs. I’ll be on Holland at 11/10 as beauty will always beat the beast in the end. You should really follow me in on this one: I’m a leading expert in the field of beast-beating.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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The bra-burning remains a point of contention amongst the modern day collection of men-haters, but the fact that these freedom-fighters went on hunger strike to promote their cause is a recorded fact; although they may have just wanted to lose a bit of weight in order to catch a husband.
Lefty troublemaker Emmeline Pankhurst would have got her reinforced knickers in a twist over Wimbledon’s antiquated policy of paying the men more than the bints. In the All England Club’s defence, they probably had to insure against a cushion dispute escalating into violence, or a mouse stopping play. This year, the lovely ladies will receive identical restitution to their completely equal in every way male counterparts.
Amelie Mauresmo will be ecstatic with this development. The reigning ladies champion looks a great shout at 12/1 to get her shovel-hands on the improved wedge. Grass courts always suit the big hitters, and they don’t get any bigger than the gigantic Frenchman.
In the men’s draw, big things are expected of rising star Andy Murray. A good run may well lead to the injury-prone Sweaty being promoted to a Brit.
Roger Federer is the man they all have to beat. The Swiss genius has a backhand so strong; Lee Chapman can only look on in envy. The Fed Express is a good thing at 4/9.
Organisers expect to sell 60,000 pounds of strawberries and 1,500 gallons of cream during the Wimbledon fortnight, although that figure will collapse if Frank Lampard fails to show. Tim Henman will definitely turn up, but he’ll be lucky to see the second round.
The Copa America kicks off on Tuesday and it’s a straight two horse war between the Brazilians and the Argentineans. The Samba Boys will be without a tired Kaka and Ronaldinho has also withdrawn following advice from his dental hygienist. I’m getting my teeth into the Argies at a delightful 17/10.
Controversy surrounds Wayne Rooney’s involvement in Ricky Hatton’s super-fight against Jose Luis Castillo. Wayne is a now so nervous about his role, there’s a real chance that he may drop his belt in Las Vegas. Castillo has looked jaded following his wars with Corrales, the 4/7 for the Hitman is particularly striking.
The final of the Under-21 Championships will pit the total football of the Dutch against the thuggish Serbs. I’ll be on Holland at 11/10 as beauty will always beat the beast in the end. You should really follow me in on this one: I’m a leading expert in the field of beast-beating.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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Thursday, June 14, 2007
We have to stop the Blubber Ring
Call me a non-conforming malcontent, but I wholeheartedly disagree with the concept of marriage. When at Alton Towers, I absolutely love it on the log flume, but after a few rides, I should be free to have a go on the black hole.
It’s a statistical fact that if a couple of a similar age marry, the male has the shorter life expectancy. I haven’t read up on the reason behind this, but my hunch would be the ‘until death do us part’ line in the ceremony.
There are occasionally extenuating circumstances for staying with the same partner for a significant number of years, but there aren’t that many blonde, mute, orphaned, former gymnast cleaners wandering the streets.
Steven Gerrard, Michael Carrick, John Terry and Gary Neville are all making a huge rick by taking their partners up the aisle this weekend. I don’t wish to scaremonger, but if my marriage is anything to go by, the bride’s libido is replaced by an appetite for cake the moment the ring makes contact with the finger.
Gary Neville would love for David Beckham to show up on his big day, but Becks will be busy training for Real Madrid’s title decider. Few would argue with the fact that Beckham deserves a medal; if only for his quick thinking in getting out of the Neville do. The slow-witted bint-beaten former golden boy of English football will finally get his hands on something other than Rebecca Loos; Real Madrid are absolute bankers at 2/13 at home to Mallorca.
Steven Gerrard’s marriage to orange pancake-eater Alex Curran will undoubtedly be the glitziest affair. The couple originally wanted Gary Barlow to perform at the reception, but decided to go for a more upmarket feel and order a karaoke machine instead. The 11/4 for the red-hot Villarreal to snatch a point off Seville is enough to make me burst into a quality rendition of ‘the size of a cow’.
I’m really enjoying the Under-21 tournament in Holland. To be honest, after five years of marriage, I’d be interested in anything under 21 stone. Portugal are the pick of the weekend punts at 2/5 against the underwhelming Israelis.
Once again, Big Brother has managed to completely hook me in. Tracey is probably the most interesting character in the series; I’m sure the mad raver would look a picture on her wedding day; as would her lovely bride. Tracey is now second favourite behind ‘any other’ in the outright market, but I’d rather be on Gerry at 5/1. So to speak.
I’m like any other young male who’s visited London, we’ve all done Charley a couple of times. It’s not easy to win the title of the most annoying member of the Richardson clan, but Charley has romped home practically unchallenged. The mouthy nause is an absolute certainty to be the next housemate evicted after the maladroit Shabnam.
Is Lewis Hamilton a flash in the pan or the real deal? This may well be the easiest question to answer since ‘Will John Terry have a bouncer at his wedding reception.’ The even money for Hamilton to take the title is shining like a doorman’s eye after a meeting with Jody Morris.
Just because I’m anti-marriage, it doesn’t make me a misogynist; that’s purely a coincidence. Espanyol, Valencia, Real Madrid and a Seville draw form a 14/1 weekend accer that I can really commit to.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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It’s a statistical fact that if a couple of a similar age marry, the male has the shorter life expectancy. I haven’t read up on the reason behind this, but my hunch would be the ‘until death do us part’ line in the ceremony.
There are occasionally extenuating circumstances for staying with the same partner for a significant number of years, but there aren’t that many blonde, mute, orphaned, former gymnast cleaners wandering the streets.
Steven Gerrard, Michael Carrick, John Terry and Gary Neville are all making a huge rick by taking their partners up the aisle this weekend. I don’t wish to scaremonger, but if my marriage is anything to go by, the bride’s libido is replaced by an appetite for cake the moment the ring makes contact with the finger.
Gary Neville would love for David Beckham to show up on his big day, but Becks will be busy training for Real Madrid’s title decider. Few would argue with the fact that Beckham deserves a medal; if only for his quick thinking in getting out of the Neville do. The slow-witted bint-beaten former golden boy of English football will finally get his hands on something other than Rebecca Loos; Real Madrid are absolute bankers at 2/13 at home to Mallorca.
Steven Gerrard’s marriage to orange pancake-eater Alex Curran will undoubtedly be the glitziest affair. The couple originally wanted Gary Barlow to perform at the reception, but decided to go for a more upmarket feel and order a karaoke machine instead. The 11/4 for the red-hot Villarreal to snatch a point off Seville is enough to make me burst into a quality rendition of ‘the size of a cow’.
I’m really enjoying the Under-21 tournament in Holland. To be honest, after five years of marriage, I’d be interested in anything under 21 stone. Portugal are the pick of the weekend punts at 2/5 against the underwhelming Israelis.
Once again, Big Brother has managed to completely hook me in. Tracey is probably the most interesting character in the series; I’m sure the mad raver would look a picture on her wedding day; as would her lovely bride. Tracey is now second favourite behind ‘any other’ in the outright market, but I’d rather be on Gerry at 5/1. So to speak.
I’m like any other young male who’s visited London, we’ve all done Charley a couple of times. It’s not easy to win the title of the most annoying member of the Richardson clan, but Charley has romped home practically unchallenged. The mouthy nause is an absolute certainty to be the next housemate evicted after the maladroit Shabnam.
Is Lewis Hamilton a flash in the pan or the real deal? This may well be the easiest question to answer since ‘Will John Terry have a bouncer at his wedding reception.’ The even money for Hamilton to take the title is shining like a doorman’s eye after a meeting with Jody Morris.
Just because I’m anti-marriage, it doesn’t make me a misogynist; that’s purely a coincidence. Espanyol, Valencia, Real Madrid and a Seville draw form a 14/1 weekend accer that I can really commit to.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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Friday, June 1, 2007
Should Have Gone To Becks, Save Us
The domestic football season is now the equivalent of Princess Di; it was a great ride for a while, but it’s time to let go. Luckily, we now have the ‘Camilla’, the ugly nine-pinter that is the European Championship qualifiers.
England’s participation is hanging by a thread and fingers are pointing at the manager. Danny Mills, Massimo Maccarone, Fleet Street journalists and fans of attractive football have all been quick to put the boot in; but for once, the grinning buffoon deserves a little credit.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s made a mistake, I know I’ve made two of the little buggers. McClaren has finally realised that the decision to dump Beckham like a Scottish girlfriend was extremely short-sighted. Goldenballs remains an archetypal, if extremely camp, match-winner in the big game scenario.
I can’t accept the argument that selecting Beckham is a step backwards as he’s taking the place of a youngster with a long- term future. The less experienced players won’t learn much from watching the finals on television.
McClaren’s groundbreaking policy of selecting his best players is possibly the first correct decision of a woeful tenure. One swallow does not make a summer though, but it does practically guarantee an enjoyable evening. England will leave Estonia with the win on Wednesday night at a pleasant 2/9.
Ryan Giggs has shocked Welsh football by deciding to hang up his boots. His team-mates will undoubtedly miss his presence in one out of every five Internationals. The Czech Republic are the pick of the weekend punts at 8/11 against a moribund Welsh side.
The Danes and the Swedes once landed a betting coup so great; Harry Redknapp could only look on in earnest admiration. Another draw wouldn’t be the end of the world for either team; the 9/4 looks a reasonable shout.
There’s a widespread belief that Spain hack up in the qualifiers before collapsing like Lindsay Lohan in the finals. The Spanish are currently four points shy of Northern Ireland this time around, so that theory has fewer legs than Heather Mills. Only a win in Latvia will do for our siesta-sneaking brothers, I’ll be on at 4/11.
The French are lovers, not fighters; I’m not particularly skilled at either. I can spot a value punt when I see one though, France are overpriced at a colossal 8/13 against Ukraine.
Greece are still in a state of shock from the most unlikely result in European football history; they somehow managed to survive the Scouse invasion. The Greeks can practically guarantee qualification by seeing off Hungary at a tragic 8/15.
Last week’s accumulator couldn’t have gone in any quicker without being assisted by Henri Paul. This week’s acc is also in the bag; France, Spain, Czech Republic, Greece and a Denmark draw will all oblige at an explosive 16/1.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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England’s participation is hanging by a thread and fingers are pointing at the manager. Danny Mills, Massimo Maccarone, Fleet Street journalists and fans of attractive football have all been quick to put the boot in; but for once, the grinning buffoon deserves a little credit.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s made a mistake, I know I’ve made two of the little buggers. McClaren has finally realised that the decision to dump Beckham like a Scottish girlfriend was extremely short-sighted. Goldenballs remains an archetypal, if extremely camp, match-winner in the big game scenario.
I can’t accept the argument that selecting Beckham is a step backwards as he’s taking the place of a youngster with a long- term future. The less experienced players won’t learn much from watching the finals on television.
McClaren’s groundbreaking policy of selecting his best players is possibly the first correct decision of a woeful tenure. One swallow does not make a summer though, but it does practically guarantee an enjoyable evening. England will leave Estonia with the win on Wednesday night at a pleasant 2/9.
Ryan Giggs has shocked Welsh football by deciding to hang up his boots. His team-mates will undoubtedly miss his presence in one out of every five Internationals. The Czech Republic are the pick of the weekend punts at 8/11 against a moribund Welsh side.
The Danes and the Swedes once landed a betting coup so great; Harry Redknapp could only look on in earnest admiration. Another draw wouldn’t be the end of the world for either team; the 9/4 looks a reasonable shout.
There’s a widespread belief that Spain hack up in the qualifiers before collapsing like Lindsay Lohan in the finals. The Spanish are currently four points shy of Northern Ireland this time around, so that theory has fewer legs than Heather Mills. Only a win in Latvia will do for our siesta-sneaking brothers, I’ll be on at 4/11.
The French are lovers, not fighters; I’m not particularly skilled at either. I can spot a value punt when I see one though, France are overpriced at a colossal 8/13 against Ukraine.
Greece are still in a state of shock from the most unlikely result in European football history; they somehow managed to survive the Scouse invasion. The Greeks can practically guarantee qualification by seeing off Hungary at a tragic 8/15.
Last week’s accumulator couldn’t have gone in any quicker without being assisted by Henri Paul. This week’s acc is also in the bag; France, Spain, Czech Republic, Greece and a Denmark draw will all oblige at an explosive 16/1.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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Thursday, May 17, 2007
My French is just Shocking
The FA cup final is a great British tradition, like a one shot tennis rally or stitching up the Irish.
This year, the top two teams in the country will go head to head in the greatest exhibition since Lady Godiva whipped out her milk dispensers in a brave bid to flee Coventry on the back of one on the Van Nistelrooy clan.
Most bookmakers are treating this year’s showpiece as a ‘Wolverhampton brother and sister match’, they just can’t separate them.
For my money, Manchester United have a definite edge. The Red Devils have looked hotter than a vindaloo-eating, three sweater-wearing, fever-riddled Anna Kournikova all season long; the 10/11 for United to lift the trophy is practically unmissable.
I refuse to shy away from the difficult questions. Why is it that Jose Mourinho can be arrested for harbouring a potentially dangerous dog, yet Lenny Henry roams the streets with impunity? There is no greater lover of dogs than Mourinho, with the possible exception of Park Ji-Sung. I find the 9/5 for a Manchester United win in 90 minutes completely barking.
Chelsea will have their supporters at 9/5, but the vibes emanating from the Bridge are far from positive. Uncertainty surrounds the future of Lampard, and John Terry’s contract talks break down more often than my old escort. I sometimes wish that Wayne Rooney had never given me her number.
Rooney, Ronaldo and Giggs are all match-winners on their day, but Paul Scholes holds the key to a United victory. Gattuso recently suggested that Scholes likes to take his little matter into his own hands; in fairness to Gattuso, it was an educated guess from the ginger evidence. The 14/1 for a Scholes opener is my best attempt at finding value in the first goalscorer market.
Chelsea’s injury crisis may well be a blessing in disguise. As Carvalho knows only too well, Wayne Rooney has previous for walking all over a Ballack. Correct score betting is always a tough nut to crack; I’ll take a small interest in a 3-1 win for Man U at 25/1.
Gary Neville looks likely to miss the match, so referee Steve Bennett may well be the busiest person on the pitch. Bennett once sent off Tim Cahill for lifting his shirt when celebrating a goal, Ashley Cole is said to be seething with the appointment. This match will be fiery; backing a red card to be shown may pay dividends at 3/1.
The new Wembley may well be pleasing to the eye, but their prices are an absolute disgrace. Cheeseburgers are £5 and a hot dog is £4; maybe Ashley was right all along. Bookies are offering odds on the first player to be carded; Ashley Cole is worth a small punt at 14/1.
The Scottish Premier league is not so different from its English counterpart, apart from the blood alcohol level of the supporters. The in form Hearts have peaked at the business end of the season; they look a great punt at even money to see off Kilmarnock.
I’ve promised the wife a curry if the weekend accer obliges, as long as she sits opposite Chris Tarrant. Manchester United, Hearts, Rangers and Real Madrid are the selections, the payout is a spicy 22/1.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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This year, the top two teams in the country will go head to head in the greatest exhibition since Lady Godiva whipped out her milk dispensers in a brave bid to flee Coventry on the back of one on the Van Nistelrooy clan.
Most bookmakers are treating this year’s showpiece as a ‘Wolverhampton brother and sister match’, they just can’t separate them.
For my money, Manchester United have a definite edge. The Red Devils have looked hotter than a vindaloo-eating, three sweater-wearing, fever-riddled Anna Kournikova all season long; the 10/11 for United to lift the trophy is practically unmissable.
I refuse to shy away from the difficult questions. Why is it that Jose Mourinho can be arrested for harbouring a potentially dangerous dog, yet Lenny Henry roams the streets with impunity? There is no greater lover of dogs than Mourinho, with the possible exception of Park Ji-Sung. I find the 9/5 for a Manchester United win in 90 minutes completely barking.
Chelsea will have their supporters at 9/5, but the vibes emanating from the Bridge are far from positive. Uncertainty surrounds the future of Lampard, and John Terry’s contract talks break down more often than my old escort. I sometimes wish that Wayne Rooney had never given me her number.
Rooney, Ronaldo and Giggs are all match-winners on their day, but Paul Scholes holds the key to a United victory. Gattuso recently suggested that Scholes likes to take his little matter into his own hands; in fairness to Gattuso, it was an educated guess from the ginger evidence. The 14/1 for a Scholes opener is my best attempt at finding value in the first goalscorer market.
Chelsea’s injury crisis may well be a blessing in disguise. As Carvalho knows only too well, Wayne Rooney has previous for walking all over a Ballack. Correct score betting is always a tough nut to crack; I’ll take a small interest in a 3-1 win for Man U at 25/1.
Gary Neville looks likely to miss the match, so referee Steve Bennett may well be the busiest person on the pitch. Bennett once sent off Tim Cahill for lifting his shirt when celebrating a goal, Ashley Cole is said to be seething with the appointment. This match will be fiery; backing a red card to be shown may pay dividends at 3/1.
The new Wembley may well be pleasing to the eye, but their prices are an absolute disgrace. Cheeseburgers are £5 and a hot dog is £4; maybe Ashley was right all along. Bookies are offering odds on the first player to be carded; Ashley Cole is worth a small punt at 14/1.
The Scottish Premier league is not so different from its English counterpart, apart from the blood alcohol level of the supporters. The in form Hearts have peaked at the business end of the season; they look a great punt at even money to see off Kilmarnock.
I’ve promised the wife a curry if the weekend accer obliges, as long as she sits opposite Chris Tarrant. Manchester United, Hearts, Rangers and Real Madrid are the selections, the payout is a spicy 22/1.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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Thursday, April 26, 2007
A Little Wayne Never Hurt Anyone
As much as I enjoy my position as the country’s leading football betting scribe, I occasionally yearn for the more glamorous world of investigative journalism.
When news broke that David Moyes had initiated legal proceedings against Wayne Rooney for alleging that his ex-boss leaked tales of his ‘cash for a rash’ habit; I sensed my opportunity.
To get to the bottom of the story, I knew I had to do everything that young Rooney did, with the exception of the old trout.
After conducting my initial enquiries, I can confirm that there are establishments that offer this kind of tawdry service, and they open on a Friday night, a Saturday morning and a Sunday afternoon. I’m not sure if these places are open in midweek, but my investigation is ongoing.
At this early stage, I wouldn’t like to put money on Moyes being successful in his action, as my overheads have left me virtually potless. I’ll try to recoup a little by backing Rooney’s United to see off the Moyes boys at 8/11.
It may sound ridiculous to claim that Watford have enjoyed their spell in the top flight, but some people welcome a spanking on a weekly basis. The Hornets will be getting tonked at Bramall Lane this week, 4/7 is lying on the table.
Manchester City haven’t scored a Premiership goal in front of their own supporters since New Years Day. Luckily for the Psycho, Aston Villa are the next visitors to Eastlands so Vassell is guaranteed a goal. The Villa are unbeaten in their last six matches; a draw looks the call at 9/4.
Jose Mourinho believes that Manchester United’s opponents are denied penalties as a result of a ‘new rule’. The Special One is completely wrong on this one; that directive was introduced several years ago. I only have one rule this weekend, get on Chelsea at 1/3 to see off Bolton.
If i had to pick Wigan’s most consistent performer, I’d probably plump for the chairman; he’s been consistently wrong in every interview this season. West Ham can drag Wigan into the relegation battle at 12/5.
Charlton have one major advantage over their backdoor threatened rivals, they have the Bent lad up front. The classy hitman can help Charlton leave Ewood Park with a point at 5/2.
I was surprised that the tabloids found it newsworthy to reveal that the royal family are Arsenal fans. I’m pretty sure that Prince Philip supported the Gunners in last season’s Champions League final; I heard he wrote a note saying ‘Get it done in Paris.’ The Queen’s favourite team will put one over her favourite shopkeeper at 4/9.
Stevie Gerrard swapped shirts with Frank Lampard after Liverpool’s first leg defeat in their Champions League semi; he’s always had a soft spot for camping. The Reds will have one eye on the second leg; Portsmouth can land the upset at 11/4.
Reading were absolutely devastated when Newcastle won from behind at St James’ earlier in the season; nobody has regretted losing a lead in such a fashion since Helen Chamberlain’s ex-boyfriend. The Royals can gain revenge at 21/20.
Middlesbrough are having to plan for next season without Mark Viduka. Gareth Southgate is said to be quite disappointed; but it’s Christmas come early for the catering department. Backing the draw between Boro and Spurs at 12/5 will make us all feel that little bit happier.
Portsmouth, Sheffield United, Arsenal and Reading form a 14/1 weekend accer that is so liberating, I’ve finally realised that the female of the species is not a commodity that can be bought and sold. Renting remains a viable alternative.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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When news broke that David Moyes had initiated legal proceedings against Wayne Rooney for alleging that his ex-boss leaked tales of his ‘cash for a rash’ habit; I sensed my opportunity.
To get to the bottom of the story, I knew I had to do everything that young Rooney did, with the exception of the old trout.
After conducting my initial enquiries, I can confirm that there are establishments that offer this kind of tawdry service, and they open on a Friday night, a Saturday morning and a Sunday afternoon. I’m not sure if these places are open in midweek, but my investigation is ongoing.
At this early stage, I wouldn’t like to put money on Moyes being successful in his action, as my overheads have left me virtually potless. I’ll try to recoup a little by backing Rooney’s United to see off the Moyes boys at 8/11.
It may sound ridiculous to claim that Watford have enjoyed their spell in the top flight, but some people welcome a spanking on a weekly basis. The Hornets will be getting tonked at Bramall Lane this week, 4/7 is lying on the table.
Manchester City haven’t scored a Premiership goal in front of their own supporters since New Years Day. Luckily for the Psycho, Aston Villa are the next visitors to Eastlands so Vassell is guaranteed a goal. The Villa are unbeaten in their last six matches; a draw looks the call at 9/4.
Jose Mourinho believes that Manchester United’s opponents are denied penalties as a result of a ‘new rule’. The Special One is completely wrong on this one; that directive was introduced several years ago. I only have one rule this weekend, get on Chelsea at 1/3 to see off Bolton.
If i had to pick Wigan’s most consistent performer, I’d probably plump for the chairman; he’s been consistently wrong in every interview this season. West Ham can drag Wigan into the relegation battle at 12/5.
Charlton have one major advantage over their backdoor threatened rivals, they have the Bent lad up front. The classy hitman can help Charlton leave Ewood Park with a point at 5/2.
I was surprised that the tabloids found it newsworthy to reveal that the royal family are Arsenal fans. I’m pretty sure that Prince Philip supported the Gunners in last season’s Champions League final; I heard he wrote a note saying ‘Get it done in Paris.’ The Queen’s favourite team will put one over her favourite shopkeeper at 4/9.
Stevie Gerrard swapped shirts with Frank Lampard after Liverpool’s first leg defeat in their Champions League semi; he’s always had a soft spot for camping. The Reds will have one eye on the second leg; Portsmouth can land the upset at 11/4.
Reading were absolutely devastated when Newcastle won from behind at St James’ earlier in the season; nobody has regretted losing a lead in such a fashion since Helen Chamberlain’s ex-boyfriend. The Royals can gain revenge at 21/20.
Middlesbrough are having to plan for next season without Mark Viduka. Gareth Southgate is said to be quite disappointed; but it’s Christmas come early for the catering department. Backing the draw between Boro and Spurs at 12/5 will make us all feel that little bit happier.
Portsmouth, Sheffield United, Arsenal and Reading form a 14/1 weekend accer that is so liberating, I’ve finally realised that the female of the species is not a commodity that can be bought and sold. Renting remains a viable alternative.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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Thursday, April 19, 2007
The Heir on the Dog
I try to avoid the political arena as a rule, but as a concerned parent, i’m furious with this government’s education policy. It makes my blood boil to see numeracy, literacy and religious tolerance dominate the curriculum, while tenuous football related analogies remain conspicuous by their absence.
The children could do a lot worse than watch the video of Chelsea’s FA cup semi-final win over Blackburn. If the little brats can’t be inspired by the reconciliation of Mourinho and Abramovich as a result of the beautiful game, they may as well go and sew trainers for a living as further education would prove a waste of time and money.
I was hugely excited by the news that Roman shared a hug with Jose; it’s been quite a while for me. I’m embracing the 4/7 for a Chelsea win over Newcastle.
The majority of the young lads would undoubtedly benefit from this revolutionary educational concept, and I’d even consider showing the tape to the girls if a strong grade in home economics has been achieved. Spurs versus Arsenal is be the embodiment of equality, the draw is an outstanding 23/10 shot.
It makes economic sense to look after the kids of today, as you never know when you’ll need a cheap car stereo in the future. The 10/11 for Bolton to beat Reading is another example of value for money.
Charlton v Sheffield United could well be the greatest domestic dust-up since the Scottish war of independence where the English and the Sweaties went toe to toe in an epic battle. I’m no history buff, but as Scotland remained an independent nation at the end of the skirmish; I’m assuming England won quite comfortably. Charlton can follow suit at 23/20.
Mohammed Al Fayed may have taken a huge gamble appointing a caretaker manager at the business end of the season, but Sanchez is oozing confidence. “They said I couldn’t beat Spain, couldn’t beat Sweden and couldn’t beat England; i’ve proved the impossible is possible.” He’s quite an articulate Lawrie. A driven Fulham can share the spoils with Blackburn at 23/10.
I can’t foresee a Wigan goal at Anfield; the Scousers have been tighter at the back than Lee Hughes all season. Liverpool should take all three points at 4/9.
We all have people we admire. Some dig Mandela, others like the cut of Jesus’ jib. Personally, I have a lot of time for Aidy Boothroyd. The Watford manager has remained upbeat throughout a disastrous campaign; Manchester City can land another blow at 17/10.
I have the utmost sympathy for Andy Johnson. On recent evidence, the England striker would need to be repeatedly pommeled with a baseball bat for the referee to even consider awarding a penalty; and that may not be enough at Old Trafford. West Ham can inflict a little pain on the Toffeemen at 6/4.
Aston Villa are finishing the season as they started; if it wasn’t for that little six-month sticky patch in the middle they could have been contenders. The Villans are unbeaten against Pompey in their last six meets, the O’Neill revolution will continue at 5/4.
Cristiano Ronaldo has signed a new five year deal worth a reported £25m. That kind of money could go a long way to eradicating world hunger, although it would probably be easier to just ask Mark Viduka to donate his snacks. Manchester United will devour Middlesbrough at 1/5.
Rio Ferdinand limped out of the FA cup semi-final feeling his groin; confirming my suspicions. Luckily, the injury is not as serious as it first appeared; Rio can add a clean sheet to a United win at a more appetising 4/7.
Bolton, Charlton, Manchester City and Aston Villa form a 21/1 weekend accer that is so forthright; Prince William had finally explained why he binned Kate Middleton. “She’s friendly, she’s good with figures and her vocabulary is impressive, but the bint can’t boil an egg,” mused the astute part German future monarch.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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The children could do a lot worse than watch the video of Chelsea’s FA cup semi-final win over Blackburn. If the little brats can’t be inspired by the reconciliation of Mourinho and Abramovich as a result of the beautiful game, they may as well go and sew trainers for a living as further education would prove a waste of time and money.
I was hugely excited by the news that Roman shared a hug with Jose; it’s been quite a while for me. I’m embracing the 4/7 for a Chelsea win over Newcastle.
The majority of the young lads would undoubtedly benefit from this revolutionary educational concept, and I’d even consider showing the tape to the girls if a strong grade in home economics has been achieved. Spurs versus Arsenal is be the embodiment of equality, the draw is an outstanding 23/10 shot.
It makes economic sense to look after the kids of today, as you never know when you’ll need a cheap car stereo in the future. The 10/11 for Bolton to beat Reading is another example of value for money.
Charlton v Sheffield United could well be the greatest domestic dust-up since the Scottish war of independence where the English and the Sweaties went toe to toe in an epic battle. I’m no history buff, but as Scotland remained an independent nation at the end of the skirmish; I’m assuming England won quite comfortably. Charlton can follow suit at 23/20.
Mohammed Al Fayed may have taken a huge gamble appointing a caretaker manager at the business end of the season, but Sanchez is oozing confidence. “They said I couldn’t beat Spain, couldn’t beat Sweden and couldn’t beat England; i’ve proved the impossible is possible.” He’s quite an articulate Lawrie. A driven Fulham can share the spoils with Blackburn at 23/10.
I can’t foresee a Wigan goal at Anfield; the Scousers have been tighter at the back than Lee Hughes all season. Liverpool should take all three points at 4/9.
We all have people we admire. Some dig Mandela, others like the cut of Jesus’ jib. Personally, I have a lot of time for Aidy Boothroyd. The Watford manager has remained upbeat throughout a disastrous campaign; Manchester City can land another blow at 17/10.
I have the utmost sympathy for Andy Johnson. On recent evidence, the England striker would need to be repeatedly pommeled with a baseball bat for the referee to even consider awarding a penalty; and that may not be enough at Old Trafford. West Ham can inflict a little pain on the Toffeemen at 6/4.
Aston Villa are finishing the season as they started; if it wasn’t for that little six-month sticky patch in the middle they could have been contenders. The Villans are unbeaten against Pompey in their last six meets, the O’Neill revolution will continue at 5/4.
Cristiano Ronaldo has signed a new five year deal worth a reported £25m. That kind of money could go a long way to eradicating world hunger, although it would probably be easier to just ask Mark Viduka to donate his snacks. Manchester United will devour Middlesbrough at 1/5.
Rio Ferdinand limped out of the FA cup semi-final feeling his groin; confirming my suspicions. Luckily, the injury is not as serious as it first appeared; Rio can add a clean sheet to a United win at a more appetising 4/7.
Bolton, Charlton, Manchester City and Aston Villa form a 21/1 weekend accer that is so forthright; Prince William had finally explained why he binned Kate Middleton. “She’s friendly, she’s good with figures and her vocabulary is impressive, but the bint can’t boil an egg,” mused the astute part German future monarch.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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Sunday, April 1, 2007
FA tell McClaren to FO
Today will go down as the greatest day in the history of English football since the game was awash with partially sighted Russian linesmen.
Earlier this morning, an FA mole leaked the news that Steve McClaren has been dismissed from his position as England manager. It will be a long anxious wait until midday, when FA spokesman (and my new hero) Ray Polodaflis will officially release the momentous news to a delirious nation.
Ray will claim that the manager has left by ‘mutual consent’, but my sources have informed me that he’s been pushed like a fat baby.
McClaren’s recent childlike behaviour left the FA with no real alternative. His post-match press conference after the Andorran debacle lasted a grand total of two minutes. 120 seconds may impress the wife, but it’s not good enough for an ambassador of the national team.
It was reported that McClaren then tried to mow down the Daily Star’s Brian Woolnough, but in an ironic twist, the coach wasn’t up to the job.
I guess the writing was on the wall for Macca as soon as he lost the fans. If there’s any truth to the supporter’s chants, McClaren will easily find work in the banking sector.
Soccer AM’s Tim Lovejoy was quick to praise the FA’s decision. “Change is good after all,” quipped the lame television presenter.
The FA are unlikely to name a potential successor, but I honestly believe that any high profile manager would improve this England team. Obviously, this is a ‘without Graeme Souness’ scenario.
McClaren’s short-lived tenure must go down as an unmitigated disaster. We wanted a fine wine, but we got a bitter lemon. Today, our glass is half full again, and we should all drink to that.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
Earlier this morning, an FA mole leaked the news that Steve McClaren has been dismissed from his position as England manager. It will be a long anxious wait until midday, when FA spokesman (and my new hero) Ray Polodaflis will officially release the momentous news to a delirious nation.
Ray will claim that the manager has left by ‘mutual consent’, but my sources have informed me that he’s been pushed like a fat baby.
McClaren’s recent childlike behaviour left the FA with no real alternative. His post-match press conference after the Andorran debacle lasted a grand total of two minutes. 120 seconds may impress the wife, but it’s not good enough for an ambassador of the national team.
It was reported that McClaren then tried to mow down the Daily Star’s Brian Woolnough, but in an ironic twist, the coach wasn’t up to the job.
I guess the writing was on the wall for Macca as soon as he lost the fans. If there’s any truth to the supporter’s chants, McClaren will easily find work in the banking sector.
Soccer AM’s Tim Lovejoy was quick to praise the FA’s decision. “Change is good after all,” quipped the lame television presenter.
The FA are unlikely to name a potential successor, but I honestly believe that any high profile manager would improve this England team. Obviously, this is a ‘without Graeme Souness’ scenario.
McClaren’s short-lived tenure must go down as an unmitigated disaster. We wanted a fine wine, but we got a bitter lemon. Today, our glass is half full again, and we should all drink to that.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Lettuce get it on
I’m a great believer in animal rights; I believe they have the right to fit nicely on a bun.
My attitude has undoubtedly softened since I witnessed a horrific dogfight. In the wife’s defence, the barmaid should never have called last orders.
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Manchester City need a result at Middlesbrough to avoid being dragged into a real scrap at the wrong end of the table. The Boro do have one eye on Monday’s FA Cup replay; I’m considering getting involved with another psycho at 10/3.
I feel a real connection with the animal loving McCartney clan. I could never understand why Stella appeared unhappy with Heather; I’d have thought the prospect of a decent burger for dinner would have been a relief. I guess the waiting time proved an annoyance. There’s nothing annoying about the 11/10 for a Reading win over Portsmouth.
Roman Abramovich is another high profile figure to have recently split from his other half. I imagine Roman’s wife won’t be too upset though, she’s in line for a massive payout; although Frank Lampard has denied being a part of any deal.
The future of Lampard and Terry is under a cloud thanks to a proposed salary cap. Chelsea are considering introducing a £120,000 a week ceiling; I think the builder’s ripping them off. Chelsea will demolish Sheffield United at 1/5.
Call me an overly optimistic, frustrated ornithologist, but I wish that all birds were as easy to get on their backs as the Robben. A 3-0 Chelsea win should be dived on at a more punter friendly 7/1.
I was delighted to hear the news that Michael Owen is up and running again. Only Michael and his local bookmaker were more excited. I’m quite literally beside myself with the 6/4 for a Charlton win over Newcastle.
Fulham may have a fantastic record at the Cottage, but they get stopped more than Pete Doherty on the road. Wigan have the three points in the bag at 5/4.
Arsenal have appeared to have based their style of play on me. It’s pretty to look at, but there’s a real lack of penetration. If forced, I’d suggest a win for the Gunners at Goodison Park, but the skinny odds of 5/4 are a little bit like Scotland, you’re better off keeping out of it.
The wife had to meet up with the doctor last night, Martens, I think his name was. Backing the Villa to draw with Liverpool at 12/5 will cover the cost of a big bottle of Lucozade; I’ve got a raging thirst.
I must express my sense of disappointment with Anton Ferdinand. The manager was never going to believe he was visiting his grandma; only Wayne Rooney can sell that line without arousing suspicion. I’m putting my cash down on Blackburn to beat West Ham at 8/11.
Rooney may well be partnered by overrated midfielder / overrated forward Alan Smith for the visit of Bolton, but United can still be backed with real confidence at 1/3.
Ronaldo looks a great shout to open the scoring at 11/2. The procumbent winger is second only to Drogba in the race for the golden boot; that’s half decent for a lad who only plays a tiny proportion of the game in an upright position.
Here’s an adage for Martin Jol. ‘You can’t catch fire if you throw away matches’. Spurs would definitely have seen off Chelsea if Lennon and Berbatov weren’t sacrificed to appease the God of ‘bus-parking’. Jol can make amends by sending out a decent team to beat Watford at 1/2.
The weekend accer is so thought provoking; I’m actually considering turning into a vegetarian. Of course that’s dependent on finding a morally loose non-meat eater with exceptionally low standards. Reading, Spurs, Wigan, Blackburn and Charlton are the selections, the payout is a beefy 26/1.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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My attitude has undoubtedly softened since I witnessed a horrific dogfight. In the wife’s defence, the barmaid should never have called last orders.
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Manchester City need a result at Middlesbrough to avoid being dragged into a real scrap at the wrong end of the table. The Boro do have one eye on Monday’s FA Cup replay; I’m considering getting involved with another psycho at 10/3.
I feel a real connection with the animal loving McCartney clan. I could never understand why Stella appeared unhappy with Heather; I’d have thought the prospect of a decent burger for dinner would have been a relief. I guess the waiting time proved an annoyance. There’s nothing annoying about the 11/10 for a Reading win over Portsmouth.
Roman Abramovich is another high profile figure to have recently split from his other half. I imagine Roman’s wife won’t be too upset though, she’s in line for a massive payout; although Frank Lampard has denied being a part of any deal.
The future of Lampard and Terry is under a cloud thanks to a proposed salary cap. Chelsea are considering introducing a £120,000 a week ceiling; I think the builder’s ripping them off. Chelsea will demolish Sheffield United at 1/5.
Call me an overly optimistic, frustrated ornithologist, but I wish that all birds were as easy to get on their backs as the Robben. A 3-0 Chelsea win should be dived on at a more punter friendly 7/1.
I was delighted to hear the news that Michael Owen is up and running again. Only Michael and his local bookmaker were more excited. I’m quite literally beside myself with the 6/4 for a Charlton win over Newcastle.
Fulham may have a fantastic record at the Cottage, but they get stopped more than Pete Doherty on the road. Wigan have the three points in the bag at 5/4.
Arsenal have appeared to have based their style of play on me. It’s pretty to look at, but there’s a real lack of penetration. If forced, I’d suggest a win for the Gunners at Goodison Park, but the skinny odds of 5/4 are a little bit like Scotland, you’re better off keeping out of it.
The wife had to meet up with the doctor last night, Martens, I think his name was. Backing the Villa to draw with Liverpool at 12/5 will cover the cost of a big bottle of Lucozade; I’ve got a raging thirst.
I must express my sense of disappointment with Anton Ferdinand. The manager was never going to believe he was visiting his grandma; only Wayne Rooney can sell that line without arousing suspicion. I’m putting my cash down on Blackburn to beat West Ham at 8/11.
Rooney may well be partnered by overrated midfielder / overrated forward Alan Smith for the visit of Bolton, but United can still be backed with real confidence at 1/3.
Ronaldo looks a great shout to open the scoring at 11/2. The procumbent winger is second only to Drogba in the race for the golden boot; that’s half decent for a lad who only plays a tiny proportion of the game in an upright position.
Here’s an adage for Martin Jol. ‘You can’t catch fire if you throw away matches’. Spurs would definitely have seen off Chelsea if Lennon and Berbatov weren’t sacrificed to appease the God of ‘bus-parking’. Jol can make amends by sending out a decent team to beat Watford at 1/2.
The weekend accer is so thought provoking; I’m actually considering turning into a vegetarian. Of course that’s dependent on finding a morally loose non-meat eater with exceptionally low standards. Reading, Spurs, Wigan, Blackburn and Charlton are the selections, the payout is a beefy 26/1.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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Thursday, February 1, 2007
I saw her limping there
The wife is no stranger to exercise. Somewhat controversially, she now concentrates solely on working her liver; I can see the logic though, it’s occasionally her second largest internal organ.
If the Government told the wife that she could only purchase her beloved Buckfast during January, she would quite rightly revolt; which admittedly, is not a major deviation from the norm.
I find it incredible that Premiership managers are handicapped in such a fashion. It’s almost impossible to do any business in such a small window, although I did manage it once in Amsterdam.
Paradoxically, Martin O’Neill’s transactions have been exceptional. He somehow managed to entice the classy John Carew, and all it cost him was a dud Czech. The Villa are bouncing, they’ll see off the Hammers at 10/11.
A little known FIFA clause allows Frank Lampard to leave Chelsea for a relatively paltry £8m. Frank may have his knockers, but that seems a fair price to me. The champions have too much up top for a struggling Charlton; get on at a well developed 2/5.
Sheffield United win the award for the most surprising transfer. You could have knocked me over with a feather when news broke that they had signed Fathi; who knew that they had a spare £8m. The Blades haven’t won in Blackburn for 20 years; the Rovers are the weekend nap at an ample 8/11.
I believe the children are the future, unless we crack down hard on them now. The appointment of Stuart Pearce to the England Under-21 setup has been met with consternation by the Manchester City board; Reading can take full advantage at 12/5.
Mohammed Al Fayed can’t believe that Reading are above Fulham in the table; he thinks it’s a Royal conspiracy. The Cottagers will triumph over Newcastle at a clandestine 13/10.
Paul Jewell must be sick of the sight of Harry Redknapp; and not just because of the annoying twitch. Wigan have already lost twice to Portsmouth this season, a Pompey treble is in the bag at a knee-jerk 13/8.
I am extremely disappointed with Lua Lua. It wasn’t the fact that he was arrested for an alleged domestic disturbance; I feel let down because he didn’t do a double back flip after striking. I’m doing somersaults about the 7/1 for a 1-0 win to Portsmouth.
Jesus is more than handy with a loaf of bread and a piece of cod, but even He would struggle to keep Watford in the Premiership. Prayers do occasionally get answered though, thank you Al Bangura. Get on Bolton to beat Watford at a sacrilicious 5/4.
Liverpool host neighbours Everton in a tantalising Merseyside derby. The Toffeemen haven’t won at Anfield this millennium; it’ll be the Liverpool fans bragging in the benefit office on Monday morning. The Reds are a steal at 8/13.
Cesc Fabregas is a little magician. As long as he avoids Debbie McGee he’s got a decent future in the game. The 4/5 for an Arsenal win over Middlesbrough is spellbinding.
Tottenham are like Paul McCartney on his wedding night, they have to get over an extremely disappointing second leg. Man U will overwhelm the deflated Spurs at 5/6.
Wayne Rooney has been labeled a tubby Eric Cantona, and there’s more than an element of truth in such a comparison. The next big thing can net the opener at 6/1.
Ever since the departure of Cantona (and to a lesser degree Sheringham), United have struggled for a quality player in the hole. I believe Rooney will prove to be the missing link. I’m going ape about United scoring three or more goals at 11/4.
This week’s accer is so alluring, it reminds me of the wife’s sister; but i’ll get into that later. Liverpool, Aston Villa, Blackburn and Reading are the selections, the payout is a feisty 16/1.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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If the Government told the wife that she could only purchase her beloved Buckfast during January, she would quite rightly revolt; which admittedly, is not a major deviation from the norm.
I find it incredible that Premiership managers are handicapped in such a fashion. It’s almost impossible to do any business in such a small window, although I did manage it once in Amsterdam.
Paradoxically, Martin O’Neill’s transactions have been exceptional. He somehow managed to entice the classy John Carew, and all it cost him was a dud Czech. The Villa are bouncing, they’ll see off the Hammers at 10/11.
A little known FIFA clause allows Frank Lampard to leave Chelsea for a relatively paltry £8m. Frank may have his knockers, but that seems a fair price to me. The champions have too much up top for a struggling Charlton; get on at a well developed 2/5.
Sheffield United win the award for the most surprising transfer. You could have knocked me over with a feather when news broke that they had signed Fathi; who knew that they had a spare £8m. The Blades haven’t won in Blackburn for 20 years; the Rovers are the weekend nap at an ample 8/11.
I believe the children are the future, unless we crack down hard on them now. The appointment of Stuart Pearce to the England Under-21 setup has been met with consternation by the Manchester City board; Reading can take full advantage at 12/5.
Mohammed Al Fayed can’t believe that Reading are above Fulham in the table; he thinks it’s a Royal conspiracy. The Cottagers will triumph over Newcastle at a clandestine 13/10.
Paul Jewell must be sick of the sight of Harry Redknapp; and not just because of the annoying twitch. Wigan have already lost twice to Portsmouth this season, a Pompey treble is in the bag at a knee-jerk 13/8.
I am extremely disappointed with Lua Lua. It wasn’t the fact that he was arrested for an alleged domestic disturbance; I feel let down because he didn’t do a double back flip after striking. I’m doing somersaults about the 7/1 for a 1-0 win to Portsmouth.
Jesus is more than handy with a loaf of bread and a piece of cod, but even He would struggle to keep Watford in the Premiership. Prayers do occasionally get answered though, thank you Al Bangura. Get on Bolton to beat Watford at a sacrilicious 5/4.
Liverpool host neighbours Everton in a tantalising Merseyside derby. The Toffeemen haven’t won at Anfield this millennium; it’ll be the Liverpool fans bragging in the benefit office on Monday morning. The Reds are a steal at 8/13.
Cesc Fabregas is a little magician. As long as he avoids Debbie McGee he’s got a decent future in the game. The 4/5 for an Arsenal win over Middlesbrough is spellbinding.
Tottenham are like Paul McCartney on his wedding night, they have to get over an extremely disappointing second leg. Man U will overwhelm the deflated Spurs at 5/6.
Wayne Rooney has been labeled a tubby Eric Cantona, and there’s more than an element of truth in such a comparison. The next big thing can net the opener at 6/1.
Ever since the departure of Cantona (and to a lesser degree Sheringham), United have struggled for a quality player in the hole. I believe Rooney will prove to be the missing link. I’m going ape about United scoring three or more goals at 11/4.
This week’s accer is so alluring, it reminds me of the wife’s sister; but i’ll get into that later. Liverpool, Aston Villa, Blackburn and Reading are the selections, the payout is a feisty 16/1.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Playing with one’s health
I’m a little bit down at the minute. I’ve been carrying around a few pound of overweight and i’m struggling to find any real direction. I need to talk to a professional; I need to ‘Talk to Frank’.
Mr Lampard is in the perfect position to help me through this crisis; a win for the champions over a woeful Wigan will lift my spirits at a mental 2/9.
The wife is also in therapy; she’s been seeing a wily shrink for a number of years. The good doctor fancies Bolton to beat Man City at 4/5. If you’re after a second opinion, I concur.
My love-life has improved dramatically since the wife began her treatment; I make the most of the two hours that she’s out of the house. I’m getting stuck into the 3/1 about Watford holding Liverpool to a draw.
Henrik Larsson has been labelled the new Eric Cantona; i look forward to him putting on seven stone and scissor-kicking Cockneys. Of course that’s just a joke, putting on weight can lead to health problems. Henrik proved the difference between Man U and Villa a week ago, another United win appeals at a seagull-trawling 2/7.
I was genuinely surprised to read that Cristiano Ronaldo has been enjoying liaisons with a Hollyoaks star; he doesn’t look the type to get involved with an actress. The Portuguese love machine can find the net at 13/8.
I’m a real technophobe; I just hate the repetitive beats. My computer says that Sheffield United represent value at 17/10 to see off Pompey at Bramall Lane.
I’ve been suffering from panic attacks lately; possibly brought on by the wife almost finding my ‘special’ DVD’s. Luckily, I’ve now hidden them in a place where she’ll never find them; the kitchen. I’m tucking into the 10/11 about Arsenal beating Blackburn.
It’s no coincidence that Arsenal’s results have improved since Arsene Wenger whipped out his ‘Beast’. Julio Baptista practically beat the Scousers on his own in midweek; the new improved Gunners can win by two clear goals at 5/2.
It was refreshing to see Phil Neville apologise for Everton’s abysmal performance against Blackburn; I hope Neville Neville will now hold his hands up to his two mistakes.
Everton tried to claim that their surrender was due to the poor shape of the ball, they’re hoping for a triangular one against Reading. The Royals can leave Goodison with a point at a shapely 9/4.
The wife didn’t enjoy our honeymoon; well she did for 64 seconds. The honeymoon period is well and truly over for Alan Curbishley, West Ham’s collapse at Reading was the greatest capitulation since the last war that the French were momentarily involved in.
Curbs has labelled his under-achieving team ‘the Bentley brigade’. I think they’re a racing certainty to see off Fulham at 6/5; unless they choke.
Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, I’m coming round there tooled up. Opposing Newcastle’s decimated squad has hit me where it hurts recently; Spurs will right this heinous wrong at 4/5.
The wife has been diagnosed as a schizophrenic, and I don’t care for either of them. I do like the 7/4 about Middlesbrough seeing off Charlton.
This week’s accer is so persuasive, Frank Lampard has finally agreed to a meet-up. Bolton, Man Utd, West Ham, Arsenal and Tottenham are the selections, the payout is a multiple-chinned 16/1.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
Mr Lampard is in the perfect position to help me through this crisis; a win for the champions over a woeful Wigan will lift my spirits at a mental 2/9.
The wife is also in therapy; she’s been seeing a wily shrink for a number of years. The good doctor fancies Bolton to beat Man City at 4/5. If you’re after a second opinion, I concur.
My love-life has improved dramatically since the wife began her treatment; I make the most of the two hours that she’s out of the house. I’m getting stuck into the 3/1 about Watford holding Liverpool to a draw.
Henrik Larsson has been labelled the new Eric Cantona; i look forward to him putting on seven stone and scissor-kicking Cockneys. Of course that’s just a joke, putting on weight can lead to health problems. Henrik proved the difference between Man U and Villa a week ago, another United win appeals at a seagull-trawling 2/7.
I was genuinely surprised to read that Cristiano Ronaldo has been enjoying liaisons with a Hollyoaks star; he doesn’t look the type to get involved with an actress. The Portuguese love machine can find the net at 13/8.
I’m a real technophobe; I just hate the repetitive beats. My computer says that Sheffield United represent value at 17/10 to see off Pompey at Bramall Lane.
I’ve been suffering from panic attacks lately; possibly brought on by the wife almost finding my ‘special’ DVD’s. Luckily, I’ve now hidden them in a place where she’ll never find them; the kitchen. I’m tucking into the 10/11 about Arsenal beating Blackburn.
It’s no coincidence that Arsenal’s results have improved since Arsene Wenger whipped out his ‘Beast’. Julio Baptista practically beat the Scousers on his own in midweek; the new improved Gunners can win by two clear goals at 5/2.
It was refreshing to see Phil Neville apologise for Everton’s abysmal performance against Blackburn; I hope Neville Neville will now hold his hands up to his two mistakes.
Everton tried to claim that their surrender was due to the poor shape of the ball, they’re hoping for a triangular one against Reading. The Royals can leave Goodison with a point at a shapely 9/4.
The wife didn’t enjoy our honeymoon; well she did for 64 seconds. The honeymoon period is well and truly over for Alan Curbishley, West Ham’s collapse at Reading was the greatest capitulation since the last war that the French were momentarily involved in.
Curbs has labelled his under-achieving team ‘the Bentley brigade’. I think they’re a racing certainty to see off Fulham at 6/5; unless they choke.
Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, I’m coming round there tooled up. Opposing Newcastle’s decimated squad has hit me where it hurts recently; Spurs will right this heinous wrong at 4/5.
The wife has been diagnosed as a schizophrenic, and I don’t care for either of them. I do like the 7/4 about Middlesbrough seeing off Charlton.
This week’s accer is so persuasive, Frank Lampard has finally agreed to a meet-up. Bolton, Man Utd, West Ham, Arsenal and Tottenham are the selections, the payout is a multiple-chinned 16/1.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
Thursday, January 4, 2007
Heifery Thing Must Go
Deep down, i’m just an old romantic. I always hold the wife’s hand when we go out together; it restricts her swing.
It’s somewhat clichéd to speak of the ‘romance of the cup’, but even I’m going weak at the knees at the prospect of Chelsea v Macclesfield.
My heart yearns for the Silkmen, but my head is saying Chelsea; and I refuse to argue against head. You can’t back the champions at odds as short as 1/40, but covering the 1-0 / 2-0 / 3-0 / 4-0 correct scores can land an even money coup.
They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach; there’s been a lot of love for Frank Lampard. The plump midfielder looks the best bet for the first goal at 4/1.
I found it absolutely outrageous that Wayne Rooney was caught singing anti-Scouse songs in a boozer with Gary Neville. Why on earth would anyone go out with Gary Neville? Everyone wants to pal-up a Man U win over Villa at 3/10.
I’m not superstitious, but i can’t shake the feeling that Henrik Larsson is destined to net the opening goal against his former mentor. I’ll be crossing fingers, touching wood and kicking black cats in the hope of a 9/2 payout.
I was shocked to see that Liverpool were ‘odds on’ to beat Arsenal; the Scousers’ record against ‘the big 3’ is so poor, it’s been claiming benefits. The Gunners are simply too big to miss at 11/4.
Thierry Henry danced on the touchline when he found the net on his midweek comeback, i’ll be having a hoedown if Henry opens the scoring at 11/2.
My problem is I love too much, although admittedly, for not very long. I’m currently infatuated with the 6/5 on offer for Fulham to hunt down the Foxes.
Tottenham would not have been happy about drawing Cardiff away, it’s in Wales. The Bluebird’s form has dipped dramatically in recent weeks; Spurs can romp in at a sheepish 4/5.
Hossam Ghaly lost four teeth after being kicked in the face on New Years Day; he’ll feel at home amongst the Welsh. It’s a toss up between Berbatov and Defoe for the first goal; they do things a little differently in the valleys.
In football, as in life, nobody wants to go to Doncaster. The League One outfit have only lost once at home all season, and have won their last five without conceding in front of their own supporters. Bolton have drawn the short straw, the Rovers can land the upset at 5/1.
Paul Heffernan has scored in six of his last seven games for Donny; not for the first time, I’ll be getting on a Heffer at 9/1 to score first.
Portsmouth v Wigan is a rematch of the six-pointer they shared earlier in the season. It wasn’t a relegation scrap; the Premier League awarded Pompey the extra points because Benjani scored the winning goal. Portsmouth are good things at 4/5 for a repeat.
It’s better to have loved and lost, than to end up with a Sweaty. The draw has been priced up at 7/2 between West Ham and Brighton; I’m besotted.
I’m beginning to feel sympathy for Andy Johnson. The only way he’ll be awarded a penalty against Blackburn is if Robbie Savage were to run him over with his motor, home. Everton will run all over Blackburn at 11/10.
The wife has got to go. She told me that I had a face that only a mother could love, I think she suspects something. I’m highly suspicious about the rather large 7/4 about a Birmingham win over Newcastle.
Birmingham, Fulham, Everton and Spurs form the weekend accer. The 18/1 payout is so enchanting, it reminds me of when I first fell for the wife; it was a cracking left hook.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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It’s somewhat clichéd to speak of the ‘romance of the cup’, but even I’m going weak at the knees at the prospect of Chelsea v Macclesfield.
My heart yearns for the Silkmen, but my head is saying Chelsea; and I refuse to argue against head. You can’t back the champions at odds as short as 1/40, but covering the 1-0 / 2-0 / 3-0 / 4-0 correct scores can land an even money coup.
They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach; there’s been a lot of love for Frank Lampard. The plump midfielder looks the best bet for the first goal at 4/1.
I found it absolutely outrageous that Wayne Rooney was caught singing anti-Scouse songs in a boozer with Gary Neville. Why on earth would anyone go out with Gary Neville? Everyone wants to pal-up a Man U win over Villa at 3/10.
I’m not superstitious, but i can’t shake the feeling that Henrik Larsson is destined to net the opening goal against his former mentor. I’ll be crossing fingers, touching wood and kicking black cats in the hope of a 9/2 payout.
I was shocked to see that Liverpool were ‘odds on’ to beat Arsenal; the Scousers’ record against ‘the big 3’ is so poor, it’s been claiming benefits. The Gunners are simply too big to miss at 11/4.
Thierry Henry danced on the touchline when he found the net on his midweek comeback, i’ll be having a hoedown if Henry opens the scoring at 11/2.
My problem is I love too much, although admittedly, for not very long. I’m currently infatuated with the 6/5 on offer for Fulham to hunt down the Foxes.
Tottenham would not have been happy about drawing Cardiff away, it’s in Wales. The Bluebird’s form has dipped dramatically in recent weeks; Spurs can romp in at a sheepish 4/5.
Hossam Ghaly lost four teeth after being kicked in the face on New Years Day; he’ll feel at home amongst the Welsh. It’s a toss up between Berbatov and Defoe for the first goal; they do things a little differently in the valleys.
In football, as in life, nobody wants to go to Doncaster. The League One outfit have only lost once at home all season, and have won their last five without conceding in front of their own supporters. Bolton have drawn the short straw, the Rovers can land the upset at 5/1.
Paul Heffernan has scored in six of his last seven games for Donny; not for the first time, I’ll be getting on a Heffer at 9/1 to score first.
Portsmouth v Wigan is a rematch of the six-pointer they shared earlier in the season. It wasn’t a relegation scrap; the Premier League awarded Pompey the extra points because Benjani scored the winning goal. Portsmouth are good things at 4/5 for a repeat.
It’s better to have loved and lost, than to end up with a Sweaty. The draw has been priced up at 7/2 between West Ham and Brighton; I’m besotted.
I’m beginning to feel sympathy for Andy Johnson. The only way he’ll be awarded a penalty against Blackburn is if Robbie Savage were to run him over with his motor, home. Everton will run all over Blackburn at 11/10.
The wife has got to go. She told me that I had a face that only a mother could love, I think she suspects something. I’m highly suspicious about the rather large 7/4 about a Birmingham win over Newcastle.
Birmingham, Fulham, Everton and Spurs form the weekend accer. The 18/1 payout is so enchanting, it reminds me of when I first fell for the wife; it was a cracking left hook.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
Bet with Bet 365
Betting
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