In a week where Mohammed Al Fayed has pointed an accusing finger at Tony Blair, the Nazis, Dracula and a crocodile, it seems odd that Richard Scudamore has emerged as football’s leading figure of fun.
When a friend told me that Scudamore planned to play a round of matches overseas, I thought it was the worst idea I’d ever heard - and I used to work in a nursery. I say ‘worked’, but it went down as ‘loitering’ on the charge sheet.
The Chief Executive of the Premier League appears to have been influenced by Gordon Gekko’s ‘Greed is good’ monologue from ‘Wall Street’. I’d advise Scudamore against following in the footsteps of Michael Douglas, as he may have to fight off Welsh gold-diggers. Investing in the 8/11 for a Pompey win over Sunderland is a socially acceptable way of increasing your bankroll.
The idea of 10 matches being televised back-to-back genuinely worries me, as I ritualistically indulge in a couple of beers during a game. There’s no way I’ll be able to drink 20 pints, unless i have to spend a night with Kelly Osbourne. I will happily indulge in a celebratory couple when Middlesbrough stun Liverpool at 17/2.
Sir Alex Ferguson condemned his players for showboating in last week’s FA Cup victory over Arsenal, but the unsavoury incident could have been a whole lot worse. Apparently, Wayne Rooney once kept it up with Nani for over two minutes. I’ll definitely be paying for it if Manchester United fail to defeat the depleted Toon Army at 8/15.
When it comes to cool celebrity support, Everton are way behind the likes of Manchester City. The Toffeemen tried to persuade Sylvester Stallone to give soccer a try, but he couldn’t pull it off, which is quite ironic. I’ll happily play with the 9/4 for a draw between Manchester City and Everton.
Blackburn and Bolton have contested the mushy pea derby on 13 occasions in the Premier League, and the team playing at home has never emerged victorious. I’m going to lay Blackburn at 10/11 like it was a legless woman in a nightclub. That Heather Mills certainly knows how to celebrate.
I find the political arena almost exclusively dull, but the revelation that the Home Secretary is an avid Aston Villa supporter genuinely attracted my interest. I have nothing but admiration for the way that Jacqui Smith can juggle her secretarial work with her homemaker duties. I hope she finds the time to back the Villa against Reading at a delightful 7/5.
Playing a home match against Derby is like going on a date with Paris Hilton, you’re confident that they’ll roll over without much of a fight. Wigan are the fortunate beneficiaries of three easy points at 8/13.
There is a direct correlation between a club’s support and the coolness of the team’s nickname. Aston Villa are the evil Villans, Tottenham are the boiling Spuds and Manchester United are the Red Devils. Who in their right mind would choose to be a Cottager? Ashley Cole knows that West Ham are a great bet at 9/5 to beat Fulham.
The bigwigs at Chelsea are still understandably upset after a package containing white powder was delivered to their training ground. They’ve now ordered Frank Lampard to use sugar sachets like the rest of the squad.
The last time Chelsea met Tottenham in a cup match, an irate Spud attacked Frank, which is the actual definition of irony. Chelsea came out on top on that occasion and I can only see a repeat at 11/10 in the Carling Cup final.
The more i consider the potential benefits of the globalisation of the Premier League, the more appealing the idea becomes. The Chinese would be able to relegate the ping-pong ball to a late night entertainment spot, Australians could embrace a sport that doesn’t involve shearing, and the Yanks would learn that real footballers refuse to wrap up like a suicide bomber in winter. I’ll be going off on one if Arsenal fail to beat Birmingham at 8/15.
There is currently an incredible amount of opposition to Scudamore’s thought-provoking proposal, but nothing is insurmountable; with the obvious exception of Ruby Wax. Wigan, Manchester United, Chelsea and Aston Villa form an 11/1 accer that will hopefully remove that ghastly image from my recently tortured mind’s eye.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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Showing posts with label Premiership. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Premiership. Show all posts
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Strawberry Fields For Heather
I absolutely despise Valentines Day. Conformity demands that I waste good money on a pointless gift and a meaningless card, even though the wife has spent the last 364 days of the year criticising me for being lazy. I’d happily dump her; but it’s a lot of effort to find someone new.
Paul McCartney has taken the brave step of officially ending his ill-fated relationship. For me, he’s definitely made the correct decision, even if it does cost him an arm and a leg.
While Paul and I understand that love is a complete fallacy, there are still a minority who believe in the romance of the FA Cup. The reality is that the minnows just make up the numbers until the trophy is lifted by one of the big 4, or Liverpool.
Rafa Benitez has pointed the finger at the Yanks for their relegation from the elite. You can blame the Americans for many things: Middle East instability, nuclear war, terrorism, global warming, 9/11 and fat children, but they didn’t rest Torres against Birmingham. I hope Rafa takes the FA Cup seriously, as I’m on the Reds at 1/5 against Barnsley.
The liveliest atmosphere of the 5th Round will probably be at Coventry, where West Brom will be arriving with 8,000 screaming Yam Yams. I’ll definitely be going out of my way to avoid Coventry this weekend; although the words ‘this’ and ‘weekend’ are pretty much superfluous. The Baggies look a fair shout at 7/5 to leave victorious.
David James continues to surprise me. There were times when I thought he would prove a major liability; those times were 1990 – 1996 and 1998 – 2007. With Calamity in this kind of form, you have to believe that Preston have a tougher job on their hands than Helen Chamberlain’s makeup artist. I’ll be made up when Pompey advance at 10/11.
It will be somewhat ironic if Middlesbrough put an end to Bryan Robson’s managerial career. It was at the Boro where Robbo first made his name; I think it was ‘Jim Beam’. Robson may well be interested in the odds for a Middlesbrough win over Sheffield United; 7/5 is a little short.
Cardiff have come a long way since the Sam Hammam era, when new signings were contractually obligated to enjoy a physical liaison with a sheep. That controversial clause was widely criticised at the time, but it did lead to Franck Ribery asking for a trial. Things are a lot more stable at Ninian Park today; they have Peter Ridsdale in the boardroom. The chairman can buy another goldfish when the Bluebirds slaughter the Wolves at 11/8.
Southampton will still be without a manger for their trip to Bristol Rovers. The Saints did try to rehire Glenn Hoddle, but he wanted to discuss his options with a likeminded friend, so he’s waiting for Paul McCartney’s divorce proceedings to end. I’ll be on Bristol Rovers at 2/1 to see off the Saints; although I’ll stay away from the handicap.
After finding the net in his last nine matches, Emmanuel Adebayor will be hoping to reach a perfect 10 against Manchester United. I’m not normally one to boast, but I once dated a German girl who was very close to being a ‘10’. She was extremely arrogant though: she knew she was a ‘9’, and she wouldn’t shut up about it while making love. I’m screaming about the 9/4 for a draw between Manchester United and Arsenal.
Like Helga, Avram Grant always appears deeply unhappy. As an Israeli, Grant has seen some distressing sights through the years, although nothing could prepare him for the picture of the hairdresser who gave Ashley Cole a little trim. I’ll throw up if Chelsea fail to beat Huddersfield at 1/10.
For Cheryl Cole and Heather Mills, Valentines Day will be a depressing affair. My wife will be genuinely excited though, as she loves to eat a mountain of chocolate on this special occasion - it’s a weekday. Cardiff, Chelsea, Liverpool, Middlesbrough and Portsmouth form a 12/1 accer that will allow me to purchase an extra large bar of Toblerone.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
Paul McCartney has taken the brave step of officially ending his ill-fated relationship. For me, he’s definitely made the correct decision, even if it does cost him an arm and a leg.
While Paul and I understand that love is a complete fallacy, there are still a minority who believe in the romance of the FA Cup. The reality is that the minnows just make up the numbers until the trophy is lifted by one of the big 4, or Liverpool.
Rafa Benitez has pointed the finger at the Yanks for their relegation from the elite. You can blame the Americans for many things: Middle East instability, nuclear war, terrorism, global warming, 9/11 and fat children, but they didn’t rest Torres against Birmingham. I hope Rafa takes the FA Cup seriously, as I’m on the Reds at 1/5 against Barnsley.
The liveliest atmosphere of the 5th Round will probably be at Coventry, where West Brom will be arriving with 8,000 screaming Yam Yams. I’ll definitely be going out of my way to avoid Coventry this weekend; although the words ‘this’ and ‘weekend’ are pretty much superfluous. The Baggies look a fair shout at 7/5 to leave victorious.
David James continues to surprise me. There were times when I thought he would prove a major liability; those times were 1990 – 1996 and 1998 – 2007. With Calamity in this kind of form, you have to believe that Preston have a tougher job on their hands than Helen Chamberlain’s makeup artist. I’ll be made up when Pompey advance at 10/11.
It will be somewhat ironic if Middlesbrough put an end to Bryan Robson’s managerial career. It was at the Boro where Robbo first made his name; I think it was ‘Jim Beam’. Robson may well be interested in the odds for a Middlesbrough win over Sheffield United; 7/5 is a little short.
Cardiff have come a long way since the Sam Hammam era, when new signings were contractually obligated to enjoy a physical liaison with a sheep. That controversial clause was widely criticised at the time, but it did lead to Franck Ribery asking for a trial. Things are a lot more stable at Ninian Park today; they have Peter Ridsdale in the boardroom. The chairman can buy another goldfish when the Bluebirds slaughter the Wolves at 11/8.
Southampton will still be without a manger for their trip to Bristol Rovers. The Saints did try to rehire Glenn Hoddle, but he wanted to discuss his options with a likeminded friend, so he’s waiting for Paul McCartney’s divorce proceedings to end. I’ll be on Bristol Rovers at 2/1 to see off the Saints; although I’ll stay away from the handicap.
After finding the net in his last nine matches, Emmanuel Adebayor will be hoping to reach a perfect 10 against Manchester United. I’m not normally one to boast, but I once dated a German girl who was very close to being a ‘10’. She was extremely arrogant though: she knew she was a ‘9’, and she wouldn’t shut up about it while making love. I’m screaming about the 9/4 for a draw between Manchester United and Arsenal.
Like Helga, Avram Grant always appears deeply unhappy. As an Israeli, Grant has seen some distressing sights through the years, although nothing could prepare him for the picture of the hairdresser who gave Ashley Cole a little trim. I’ll throw up if Chelsea fail to beat Huddersfield at 1/10.
For Cheryl Cole and Heather Mills, Valentines Day will be a depressing affair. My wife will be genuinely excited though, as she loves to eat a mountain of chocolate on this special occasion - it’s a weekday. Cardiff, Chelsea, Liverpool, Middlesbrough and Portsmouth form a 12/1 accer that will allow me to purchase an extra large bar of Toblerone.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Wayne drops keep falling on my head
I am no stranger to a lazy stereotype. I’m half-Irish and I’m married to a Scot, so some people believe we stay at home all day smoking crack and peeling potatoes; which is only half true.
It could be worse though, I could be bald. Britney Spears was considered a wholesome entertainer when she had flowing locks; but the moment she showed solidarity with the follicly challenged, the authorities took her children away.
It’s not just tubby Americans who persecute the hairless. When Andy Johnson had a little decoration on his head, he was awarded penalties and his goals were allowed to stand; now he’s shunned like Lewis Hamilton on a weekend trip to Majorca.
Personally I think it’s a case of raging gingerism, as baldness is their only legitimate hope of a life free or mockery. I’ll make a stand against these peladophobic gingerphobes by supporting AJ’s Everton at 4/7 against a struggling Reading.
Ryan Babel is another player who deserves our sympathy. Rafa perplexingly continues to bench the flying Dutchman: the only way he’ll be promoted to a starter is if he bumps into Frank Lampard. Chelsea will devour the struggling Reds at a mouthwatering 11/10.
Harry Redknapp has hit the jackpot with the signing of Jermain Defoe. The Pompey manager is just like King Midas - it’s believed that the King’s son was a real nause. I’ll be droning on endlessly about the 9/4 for a draw between Bolton and Portsmouth.
Derby were a lot less successful with their attempts at January shopping. Paul Jewell signed Laurent Robert on a free transfer; I think he overpaid. Tottenham are the weekend banker at 8/13 against the awful Rams.
Birmingham were dealt a knockout blow by a player named Villa last week, so it was a typical Derby match. It’s just one win in eleven matches now for the Blues; West Ham look a great shout at 17/20 to increase the pressure on the Big Eck.
Premier League attendances now average 36,000 a match, which is a 50 year high. The figure would have threatened the 40,000 mark, if it wasn’t for Middlesbrough. One man and his dog will see Boro destroy Fulham at 10/11.
Roy Keane will be looking forward to reuniting with Steve Bruce, as they haven’t seen each other since filming Cinderella. I’ll turn into a pumpkin if Sunderland fail to oblige against Wigan at 23/20.
The loss of Agbonlahor will be a massive blow for Aston Villa. Gabby has aggravated a hamstring - he accidentally knocked his pint over. The return of Young will soften the blow for the Villans; the tactically shrewd Martin O’Neill will bamboozle Kevin Keegan’s Toon Army at 10/11.
A hamstring injury has also ruled the influential Tomas Rosicky out of Arsenal’s match against Blackburn. Rosicky is known as ‘little Mozart’, due to his ability to orchestrate the midfield. Personally, I’m a big fan of Chopin: I often buy a big bag of potatoes. I can definitely handle the 4/11 for an Arsenal win over Blackburn.
After a protracted saga, Manchester City have finally signed Benjani, and I can claim with little fear of contradiction that Pompey’s loss is Manchester City’s loss. An Elano-less, Benjani-full City will almost certainly lose out to Manchester United at 1/3.
Wayne Rooney will miss the Manchester derby after receiving a booking for hurling his considerable weight to the ground last week in an alleged act of simulation. Rooney would never cheat, so I can only conclude that the referee cautioned him for his ginger stubble and an increasingly receding hairline. Aston Villa, Tottenham, Everton, Middlesbrough and West Ham form not only an outstanding 16/1 accer; it’s also a symbol of hope for our continually oppressed pool-ball headed brothers.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
It could be worse though, I could be bald. Britney Spears was considered a wholesome entertainer when she had flowing locks; but the moment she showed solidarity with the follicly challenged, the authorities took her children away.
It’s not just tubby Americans who persecute the hairless. When Andy Johnson had a little decoration on his head, he was awarded penalties and his goals were allowed to stand; now he’s shunned like Lewis Hamilton on a weekend trip to Majorca.
Personally I think it’s a case of raging gingerism, as baldness is their only legitimate hope of a life free or mockery. I’ll make a stand against these peladophobic gingerphobes by supporting AJ’s Everton at 4/7 against a struggling Reading.
Ryan Babel is another player who deserves our sympathy. Rafa perplexingly continues to bench the flying Dutchman: the only way he’ll be promoted to a starter is if he bumps into Frank Lampard. Chelsea will devour the struggling Reds at a mouthwatering 11/10.
Harry Redknapp has hit the jackpot with the signing of Jermain Defoe. The Pompey manager is just like King Midas - it’s believed that the King’s son was a real nause. I’ll be droning on endlessly about the 9/4 for a draw between Bolton and Portsmouth.
Derby were a lot less successful with their attempts at January shopping. Paul Jewell signed Laurent Robert on a free transfer; I think he overpaid. Tottenham are the weekend banker at 8/13 against the awful Rams.
Birmingham were dealt a knockout blow by a player named Villa last week, so it was a typical Derby match. It’s just one win in eleven matches now for the Blues; West Ham look a great shout at 17/20 to increase the pressure on the Big Eck.
Premier League attendances now average 36,000 a match, which is a 50 year high. The figure would have threatened the 40,000 mark, if it wasn’t for Middlesbrough. One man and his dog will see Boro destroy Fulham at 10/11.
Roy Keane will be looking forward to reuniting with Steve Bruce, as they haven’t seen each other since filming Cinderella. I’ll turn into a pumpkin if Sunderland fail to oblige against Wigan at 23/20.
The loss of Agbonlahor will be a massive blow for Aston Villa. Gabby has aggravated a hamstring - he accidentally knocked his pint over. The return of Young will soften the blow for the Villans; the tactically shrewd Martin O’Neill will bamboozle Kevin Keegan’s Toon Army at 10/11.
A hamstring injury has also ruled the influential Tomas Rosicky out of Arsenal’s match against Blackburn. Rosicky is known as ‘little Mozart’, due to his ability to orchestrate the midfield. Personally, I’m a big fan of Chopin: I often buy a big bag of potatoes. I can definitely handle the 4/11 for an Arsenal win over Blackburn.
After a protracted saga, Manchester City have finally signed Benjani, and I can claim with little fear of contradiction that Pompey’s loss is Manchester City’s loss. An Elano-less, Benjani-full City will almost certainly lose out to Manchester United at 1/3.
Wayne Rooney will miss the Manchester derby after receiving a booking for hurling his considerable weight to the ground last week in an alleged act of simulation. Rooney would never cheat, so I can only conclude that the referee cautioned him for his ginger stubble and an increasingly receding hairline. Aston Villa, Tottenham, Everton, Middlesbrough and West Ham form not only an outstanding 16/1 accer; it’s also a symbol of hope for our continually oppressed pool-ball headed brothers.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
Thursday, January 31, 2008
The hurly bird catches the worm
Call me old-fashioned, but i believe that fidelity remains the cornerstone of a successful relationship. I would never cheat on my wife, unless the opportunity arose.
I have serious doubts over my wife’s respect for monogamy. The word on the street is that Ashley Cole was physically sick while performing the horizontal 64-second jig, which fits in perfectly with the wife’s M.O.
I can’t condemn Cole too strongly, as he’s not the first man to hurl after munching on a late-night kebab. On reflection, he probably should have stuck with a sausage sandwich. A Chelsea draw against Pompey ticks all the right boxes at 5/2, and then cleans them with disinfectant.
It’s been reported that Ashley refused to wrap up his little heat-seeking missile before sending him into battle. Apart from the obvious risk of pieces falling off, there is also the danger of an unwanted pregnancy. If I didn’t regularly suffocate my mini whale-hunter, I could have had three children by now. Fulham are also lackadaisical in defence, they’re on a 14 match winless streak. Aston Villa will take full advantage at 7/5.
Adebayor is a quality player, but you can’t solve a problem by planting your nut on it; we haven’t all moved to Scotland. I can’t get my head around the 10/11 for an Arsenal win over Manchester City.
Liverpool need a new slogan to commemorate their status as the European Capital of Culture. I’ve suggested, ‘Liverpool - Making fat kids cry since 2008’. I’ll be inconsolable if the Reds beat Sunderland, I’ve been tempted by the 4/1 for a draw.
With Liverpool stuttering like Jeremy Beadle’s manicurist, a 4th place finish is unexpectedly up for grabs. I expect Blackburn v Everton to be tighter than Mido’s belt as the war for four intensifies. I’m sitting on the fence at 9/4.
Dave Kitson is in line for a shock call up to the England side. The Reading hitman will be overjoyed if he earns his first cap, as sunlight is a long-term foe. I’ve seen the light; I’ve backed Reading at 6/5 at home to Bolton.
Cheryl Cole has followed Danielle Lloyd’s lead in refusing to dump her allegedly unfaithful partner. What is it that makes these strong women stand by their men? I’ll get my hands on lots of money when Manchester United beat Tottenham at even money.
Now that Barack Obama has revealed himself to be a Hammer, Dave Whelan must be regretting his campaign to relegate West Ham towards the end of last season. Whelan may be able to fix the price of an England shirt, but he’s going to lose a power battle with potentially the next leader of Iran. The Hammers have a 100% record at the JJB in the Premier League; Barack and I will be on at 9/5.
If Derby were to avoid relegation, it would be the greatest shock since i arrived home from work early to find the wife in a degrading position; she was lying on the floor watching Beadle’s About. I’ll be even more disappointed if Birmingham fail to beat Derby at 4/7.
It was a case of déjà vu for Kevin Keegan as Newcastle lost 3-0 to Arsenal in midweek; a few lads hit him on the head with a baseball bat. It’s definitely wrong to kick someone when they’re down, unless you’re Alan Shearer. Newcastle isn’t big enough for Keegan and Big Al, so God knows how Frank Lampard ever played there. 10/11 is plenty big enough for a Newcastle win over Middlesbrough.
Like Ashley Cole, Frank Lampard has allegedly had a wandering eye. I can see why Lampard would have suitors, who amongst us doesn’t like a large pair of breasts? Arsenal, Birmingham, Manchester United and Aston Villa form an accer that stands out at a particularly pert 11/1.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
I have serious doubts over my wife’s respect for monogamy. The word on the street is that Ashley Cole was physically sick while performing the horizontal 64-second jig, which fits in perfectly with the wife’s M.O.
I can’t condemn Cole too strongly, as he’s not the first man to hurl after munching on a late-night kebab. On reflection, he probably should have stuck with a sausage sandwich. A Chelsea draw against Pompey ticks all the right boxes at 5/2, and then cleans them with disinfectant.
It’s been reported that Ashley refused to wrap up his little heat-seeking missile before sending him into battle. Apart from the obvious risk of pieces falling off, there is also the danger of an unwanted pregnancy. If I didn’t regularly suffocate my mini whale-hunter, I could have had three children by now. Fulham are also lackadaisical in defence, they’re on a 14 match winless streak. Aston Villa will take full advantage at 7/5.
Adebayor is a quality player, but you can’t solve a problem by planting your nut on it; we haven’t all moved to Scotland. I can’t get my head around the 10/11 for an Arsenal win over Manchester City.
Liverpool need a new slogan to commemorate their status as the European Capital of Culture. I’ve suggested, ‘Liverpool - Making fat kids cry since 2008’. I’ll be inconsolable if the Reds beat Sunderland, I’ve been tempted by the 4/1 for a draw.
With Liverpool stuttering like Jeremy Beadle’s manicurist, a 4th place finish is unexpectedly up for grabs. I expect Blackburn v Everton to be tighter than Mido’s belt as the war for four intensifies. I’m sitting on the fence at 9/4.
Dave Kitson is in line for a shock call up to the England side. The Reading hitman will be overjoyed if he earns his first cap, as sunlight is a long-term foe. I’ve seen the light; I’ve backed Reading at 6/5 at home to Bolton.
Cheryl Cole has followed Danielle Lloyd’s lead in refusing to dump her allegedly unfaithful partner. What is it that makes these strong women stand by their men? I’ll get my hands on lots of money when Manchester United beat Tottenham at even money.
Now that Barack Obama has revealed himself to be a Hammer, Dave Whelan must be regretting his campaign to relegate West Ham towards the end of last season. Whelan may be able to fix the price of an England shirt, but he’s going to lose a power battle with potentially the next leader of Iran. The Hammers have a 100% record at the JJB in the Premier League; Barack and I will be on at 9/5.
If Derby were to avoid relegation, it would be the greatest shock since i arrived home from work early to find the wife in a degrading position; she was lying on the floor watching Beadle’s About. I’ll be even more disappointed if Birmingham fail to beat Derby at 4/7.
It was a case of déjà vu for Kevin Keegan as Newcastle lost 3-0 to Arsenal in midweek; a few lads hit him on the head with a baseball bat. It’s definitely wrong to kick someone when they’re down, unless you’re Alan Shearer. Newcastle isn’t big enough for Keegan and Big Al, so God knows how Frank Lampard ever played there. 10/11 is plenty big enough for a Newcastle win over Middlesbrough.
Like Ashley Cole, Frank Lampard has allegedly had a wandering eye. I can see why Lampard would have suitors, who amongst us doesn’t like a large pair of breasts? Arsenal, Birmingham, Manchester United and Aston Villa form an accer that stands out at a particularly pert 11/1.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Driving Miss Dozy
Statistics are normally my trusted ally, but even close friends can occasionally fall out. Research claims to prove that men are over 50% more likely to be involved in a road accident than women, but that’s probably because they’ve all been run over by dippy bints.
Only last weekend, the wife’s vertiginous nature led to a particularly bad smash. Betty was seriously shaken up, but luckily, a Scientologist was quickly on the scene.
The incident would never have occurred if we lived in Saudi Arabia, as women are forbidden from driving by law. They must really respect their women to go to such lengths to keep them safe.
The Saudi ladies have many other social advantages. When Manchester United played their controversial testimonial in Riyadh, the women were all banned from the stadium; presumably to protect them from the shock of viewing Rooney and Tevez. I can’t take my eyes off the 7/1 for a Tottenham win over a jetlagged United side.
While the Saudi women lead a life of luxury, the men are treated incredibly shabbily. Islamic law allows the males to marry up to four wives: so you can understand why a minority go apocalyptic. I’d consider destroying the West if I had to watch Eastenders four times a week.
It’s not all doom and gloom for the men, as multiple weddings equate to multiple stag nights. It’s a little bit different over there though: it takes the stripper 25 minutes to whip out her elbows. There won’t be a Stag party when Mansfield face Middlesbrough, Southgate’s men will knock them out at a fundamentally sound 4/9.
Amy Winehouse can only look on in jealousy at the freedoms offered to the women of the Middle East. Amy can’t even water her plants without being harassed by the man, although she has been overdoing it with the hosepipe lately. I’ll be having the craic with the 5/6 for a Derby win over Preston.
The footballing world has changed dramatically since Kevin Keegan last flexed his managerial muscle. The game is now awash with American cowboys, and in a sign of solidarity with our friendly-firing brothers, Joey Barton now walks like John Wayne. I won’t be backing Arsenal at 2/5 against Newcastle. The hell I won’t.
Liverpool v Havant & Waterlooville is what the FA Cup is all about: it’s a bunch of nobodies getting spanked by a decent team. Bookies are as short as 1/100 about a Liverpool win, I’ll play on the Reds -2.5 goals at a more punter friendly 1/2.
Wigan looked to have completed a canny piece of business with the signing of Wilson Palacios. The Honduran is nicknamed ‘Harry Potter’, a moniker earned when his brother disappeared. 8/15 for a Chelsea win over Wigan will be vanishing soon.
Mark Hughes is definitely a kind-hearted soul. He went face to face with Gareth Southgate last week, and he resisted the urge to laugh. I’ll be smiling like a trout enthusiast around Leslie Ash when Aston Villa see off Blackburn at even money in the only Premier League fixture of the weekend.
Frankly, I was quite disturbed by the news that Leslie Ash pocketed £5m after contracting a bug while in hospital. It’s not like Lee Chapman needs the money, he already owns a mobile exercise unit.
The controversial payout has led me to consider moving to the utopia that is Saudi Arabia. Naturally, this would lead to a conversion to Islam, which will conflict with my liberal beliefs. The wife would have to wear a veil though, so it’s swings and roundabouts. Aston Villa, Arsenal, Portsmouth, Southampton and Watford form a 10/1 weekend accer that will pay for the necessary amount of tarpaulin.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
Only last weekend, the wife’s vertiginous nature led to a particularly bad smash. Betty was seriously shaken up, but luckily, a Scientologist was quickly on the scene.
The incident would never have occurred if we lived in Saudi Arabia, as women are forbidden from driving by law. They must really respect their women to go to such lengths to keep them safe.
The Saudi ladies have many other social advantages. When Manchester United played their controversial testimonial in Riyadh, the women were all banned from the stadium; presumably to protect them from the shock of viewing Rooney and Tevez. I can’t take my eyes off the 7/1 for a Tottenham win over a jetlagged United side.
While the Saudi women lead a life of luxury, the men are treated incredibly shabbily. Islamic law allows the males to marry up to four wives: so you can understand why a minority go apocalyptic. I’d consider destroying the West if I had to watch Eastenders four times a week.
It’s not all doom and gloom for the men, as multiple weddings equate to multiple stag nights. It’s a little bit different over there though: it takes the stripper 25 minutes to whip out her elbows. There won’t be a Stag party when Mansfield face Middlesbrough, Southgate’s men will knock them out at a fundamentally sound 4/9.
Amy Winehouse can only look on in jealousy at the freedoms offered to the women of the Middle East. Amy can’t even water her plants without being harassed by the man, although she has been overdoing it with the hosepipe lately. I’ll be having the craic with the 5/6 for a Derby win over Preston.
The footballing world has changed dramatically since Kevin Keegan last flexed his managerial muscle. The game is now awash with American cowboys, and in a sign of solidarity with our friendly-firing brothers, Joey Barton now walks like John Wayne. I won’t be backing Arsenal at 2/5 against Newcastle. The hell I won’t.
Liverpool v Havant & Waterlooville is what the FA Cup is all about: it’s a bunch of nobodies getting spanked by a decent team. Bookies are as short as 1/100 about a Liverpool win, I’ll play on the Reds -2.5 goals at a more punter friendly 1/2.
Wigan looked to have completed a canny piece of business with the signing of Wilson Palacios. The Honduran is nicknamed ‘Harry Potter’, a moniker earned when his brother disappeared. 8/15 for a Chelsea win over Wigan will be vanishing soon.
Mark Hughes is definitely a kind-hearted soul. He went face to face with Gareth Southgate last week, and he resisted the urge to laugh. I’ll be smiling like a trout enthusiast around Leslie Ash when Aston Villa see off Blackburn at even money in the only Premier League fixture of the weekend.
Frankly, I was quite disturbed by the news that Leslie Ash pocketed £5m after contracting a bug while in hospital. It’s not like Lee Chapman needs the money, he already owns a mobile exercise unit.
The controversial payout has led me to consider moving to the utopia that is Saudi Arabia. Naturally, this would lead to a conversion to Islam, which will conflict with my liberal beliefs. The wife would have to wear a veil though, so it’s swings and roundabouts. Aston Villa, Arsenal, Portsmouth, Southampton and Watford form a 10/1 weekend accer that will pay for the necessary amount of tarpaulin.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Rings that go bump in the night
My heart goes out to the clinically depressed and the morbidly obese, but I have a genuine illness; I suffer from sleep deprivation. I believe my condition is a result of an incident that occurred many years ago, when I was naïve enough to believe that physical attractiveness was not an essential requirement in the process of potential mate selection.
It was a Saturday night, and I found myself frequenting a nightclub with a group of friends, such was the custom at that time. As 2am arrived and a sense of desperation filled the air, I approached a lady who I thought looked quite hot. It turned out she was just very sweaty. As she made her intentions clear, I made the cardinal error of not topping up my alcohol level before exiting the building. On the taxi ride home, sobriety kicked in like a tortured mule.
Within two minutes of entering my humble abode, she was parading shamelessly in her birthday suit. It was at this stage that I fully appreciated the gravity of the situation. Unfortunately, my plea to go directly to the cigarette fell upon deaf ears. Without going into too much detail of what followed, I can confirm that I didn’t get a wink of sleep all night, and I’ve struggled to get my head down ever since.
As the dawn approached like a guardian angel, I plucked up the courage to ask her to leave by the back door, which was somewhat ironic. I made a conscious decision that morning to never return to the club, as the experience left me close to a breakdown. Kevin Keegan has been far less pragmatic. I do expect a significant short-term improvement for the Toon Army; I’ll be getting on the Geordies at 5/6 at home to Bolton.
I was quite surprised that Steve Bruce was never approached by Mike Ashley. Bruce has been in charge of Wigan for about seven weeks, so he is definitely due a move. I expect to see a massive move on Everton to beat Wigan at an exceedingly pleasant 11/8.
Fulham FC share a trait of mine: they start off quickly, but lack stamina. The Cottagers have lost a lead in 10 of their 22 Premier League matches this season, blowing 25 points in the process. I can only put Fulham’s lack or resolve down to poor conditioning; I’ll buy them a case of ‘Wash & Go’ after Arsenal turn them over at 8/15.
Blackburn are still struggling to find a replacement for Robbie Savage. They came close last week, but Sun Hill refused to release Gillian Taylforth. I‘m diving on the 4/5 for a Blackburn win over Middlesbrough.
With matches at White Hart Lane producing an average of 5.1 goals, Juande Ramos has been forced to tighten up at the back; so he’s dropped Paul Robinson like an opinionated girlfriend. Spurs are on an upward curve as a result, they’re a confident selection at 4/9 against Sunderland.
Manchester City are a Jekyll and Hyde club. When they play at home, they’re an object of unquestionable beauty, yet when they leave Eastlands, they’re as useful as a military recruitment centre in Paris. West Ham are making the now familiar trip to the City of Manchester Stadium, you have to like the even money for another home win.
I was genuinely surprised by the amount of appearances made by a relatively young Jamie Carragher. I haven’t seen 500 clocked up so quickly since the wife last stood on the scales. A Liverpool win over Villa will be a weight off my mind; I’m playing heavily at 4/6.
Ronaldo is on course to be the first wide man since George Best to receive the Golden Boot. There are many similarities between the two players. Best was a Manchester United hero, as is Ronaldo. Best was a phenomenal dribbler, as is the Portuguese step-over expert. Best loved his women. I’ll be trying to get on Manchester United at 4/9 to beat Reading.
John Terry has been outed as a Manchester United supporter, further perpetrating the myth that most of United’s support originates in London. That’s an insult to the Chinese. I’ll take it as a personal insult if Chelsea slip up against Birmingham at 4/6.
After starting the season on fire, Benjani has reverted to type. If missed chances were pints of lager, he’d have a liver like George Best. I’m taking a chance on the draw between Portsmouth and Derby at 10/3.
I can’t think of George Best without remembering the time that I had a badly damaged organ. That night still haunts me, and I can’t sleep without the aid of sedatives. Luckily, I’ve been carrying them around with me for a number of years, as you never know when opportunity will knock. Chelsea, Tottenham, Newcastle, Everton and Liverpool form a fantastic 15/1 betting opportunity that only comes along once every seven days.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
It was a Saturday night, and I found myself frequenting a nightclub with a group of friends, such was the custom at that time. As 2am arrived and a sense of desperation filled the air, I approached a lady who I thought looked quite hot. It turned out she was just very sweaty. As she made her intentions clear, I made the cardinal error of not topping up my alcohol level before exiting the building. On the taxi ride home, sobriety kicked in like a tortured mule.
Within two minutes of entering my humble abode, she was parading shamelessly in her birthday suit. It was at this stage that I fully appreciated the gravity of the situation. Unfortunately, my plea to go directly to the cigarette fell upon deaf ears. Without going into too much detail of what followed, I can confirm that I didn’t get a wink of sleep all night, and I’ve struggled to get my head down ever since.
As the dawn approached like a guardian angel, I plucked up the courage to ask her to leave by the back door, which was somewhat ironic. I made a conscious decision that morning to never return to the club, as the experience left me close to a breakdown. Kevin Keegan has been far less pragmatic. I do expect a significant short-term improvement for the Toon Army; I’ll be getting on the Geordies at 5/6 at home to Bolton.
I was quite surprised that Steve Bruce was never approached by Mike Ashley. Bruce has been in charge of Wigan for about seven weeks, so he is definitely due a move. I expect to see a massive move on Everton to beat Wigan at an exceedingly pleasant 11/8.
Fulham FC share a trait of mine: they start off quickly, but lack stamina. The Cottagers have lost a lead in 10 of their 22 Premier League matches this season, blowing 25 points in the process. I can only put Fulham’s lack or resolve down to poor conditioning; I’ll buy them a case of ‘Wash & Go’ after Arsenal turn them over at 8/15.
Blackburn are still struggling to find a replacement for Robbie Savage. They came close last week, but Sun Hill refused to release Gillian Taylforth. I‘m diving on the 4/5 for a Blackburn win over Middlesbrough.
With matches at White Hart Lane producing an average of 5.1 goals, Juande Ramos has been forced to tighten up at the back; so he’s dropped Paul Robinson like an opinionated girlfriend. Spurs are on an upward curve as a result, they’re a confident selection at 4/9 against Sunderland.
Manchester City are a Jekyll and Hyde club. When they play at home, they’re an object of unquestionable beauty, yet when they leave Eastlands, they’re as useful as a military recruitment centre in Paris. West Ham are making the now familiar trip to the City of Manchester Stadium, you have to like the even money for another home win.
I was genuinely surprised by the amount of appearances made by a relatively young Jamie Carragher. I haven’t seen 500 clocked up so quickly since the wife last stood on the scales. A Liverpool win over Villa will be a weight off my mind; I’m playing heavily at 4/6.
Ronaldo is on course to be the first wide man since George Best to receive the Golden Boot. There are many similarities between the two players. Best was a Manchester United hero, as is Ronaldo. Best was a phenomenal dribbler, as is the Portuguese step-over expert. Best loved his women. I’ll be trying to get on Manchester United at 4/9 to beat Reading.
John Terry has been outed as a Manchester United supporter, further perpetrating the myth that most of United’s support originates in London. That’s an insult to the Chinese. I’ll take it as a personal insult if Chelsea slip up against Birmingham at 4/6.
After starting the season on fire, Benjani has reverted to type. If missed chances were pints of lager, he’d have a liver like George Best. I’m taking a chance on the draw between Portsmouth and Derby at 10/3.
I can’t think of George Best without remembering the time that I had a badly damaged organ. That night still haunts me, and I can’t sleep without the aid of sedatives. Luckily, I’ve been carrying them around with me for a number of years, as you never know when opportunity will knock. Chelsea, Tottenham, Newcastle, Everton and Liverpool form a fantastic 15/1 betting opportunity that only comes along once every seven days.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Rise of the foot long soldier
When it comes to a worthy cause, I live to give. I was so moved by Pele’s appeal to help men with erectile dysfunction that i agreed to pay £10 a month towards the campaign, but unfortunately I wasn’t able to keep it up.
Liverpool FC were not so generous of spirit when Luton Town asked for financial assistance before their FA Cup tie. The Reds were well within their rights to refuse to help, as they already look after the needy by paying Jamie Carragher a weekly wage.
Jamie probably has the thinnest skin in football. A radio DJ once questioned his decision to retire from international football as he wasn’t guaranteed a starting-place, so Jamie incredibly rang him up to arrange a meet where they could ‘discuss it’ further. Violence against radio personalities is totally unacceptable, with the obvious exception of Sara Cox.
Carragher hit the headlines again this week when he allegedly jumped up onto a barrier to confront a number of abusive wig-wearing Luton supporters. I believe the FA should spare no expense in finding a solution to crowd provocation, and I know that Jamie is happy to throw money at the problem. An investment on Middlesbrough to beat Liverpool at 9/2 will put a few coins in the kitty.
Mark Hughes is an astute manager. Defeats to Larissa in the UEFA Cup and Coventry in the FA Cup have guaranteed that fixture congestion will not be an issue. Blackburn are unbeaten in Bolton on their last eight visits, a draw at 23/10 will keep that impressive stat rolling.
I try to avoid blowing my own horn, but I can easily relate to people of differing intelligence. If you possess an IQ of 160, I can happily discuss mathematical probability or the ups and downs of nuclear fission. If you’re IQ is less than 50, I’m equally at home discussing the pros and cons of your move to Derby. Robbie Savage can help the ailing Rams take a point off Wigan at 9/4.
Dave Kitson has been rightfully slaughtered for making disparaging remarks about the FA Cup. The ginger hitman disgracefully claimed that he couldn’t give ‘the Neville brothers’ about the historical competition. Personally, I’m a stickler for tradition, and Reading have never won at Villa Park in their history. I’ll be backing the Villa at 8/13, and then backing them again. That’s two hits.
Arsene Wenger has once again hit the jackpot with the sublime Eduardo. I haven’t seen anyone look so comfortable in the box since Martina Navratilova. 1/5 for an Arsenal win over Birmingham is simply smashing.
Apparently, Everton’s trophy room has been burgled. Police are asking the public to be on the lookout for several replicas of the FA Cup, the League Cup and the Cup Winners Cup. I’ll be having it away with the 6/5 for an Everton win over Manchester City.
If Fulham FC were a flavour of ice cream, they would definitely be vanilla. That reminds me of the old song, “I scream, you scream, we all scream if we accidentally look at Carlos Tevez.” I’ll be shrieking like Britney Spears when I take the 3/4 for a West Ham win over Fulham.
Portsmouth have been hit extremely hard by the African Cup of Nations, they’re literally down to the bare bones. Sunderland can take full advantage at 15/8.
The early money in the ‘next Newcastle manager’ market suggests that Harry Redknapp is a shoo-in for the post. Being something of a non-believer, I’ve layed Harry at 1.65 and I have no intention of closing my position. If you’re reading this late and Harry has already taken the job, then I changed my mind and greened out for a MASSIVE profit. I’ll throw my expected winnings on Manchester United to beat Newcastle at 1/4.
Ashley Cole was left mystified when Avram Grant stripped him off the captaincy after an hour last week. He hasn’t been this stunned since Arsenal insulted him by offering a derisory £55,000 a week. I nearly crashed my car when I heard that bookmakers were offering 5/1 for a Tottenham win over Chelsea.
Such an act of generosity has left me in a state of reflection, musing over my own decision to stop supporting the global fight against impotence. I genuinely wanted to honour my commitment, but at the end of the day, I’m not a working stiff.
People who have never suffered from erectile dysfunction are quick to poke fun at those who have; but I simply refuse to rise to the bait. If you don’t back Arsenal, Aston Villa, Everton and Sunderland in a 10/1 accer, you won’t be able to get up in the morning.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
Liverpool FC were not so generous of spirit when Luton Town asked for financial assistance before their FA Cup tie. The Reds were well within their rights to refuse to help, as they already look after the needy by paying Jamie Carragher a weekly wage.
Jamie probably has the thinnest skin in football. A radio DJ once questioned his decision to retire from international football as he wasn’t guaranteed a starting-place, so Jamie incredibly rang him up to arrange a meet where they could ‘discuss it’ further. Violence against radio personalities is totally unacceptable, with the obvious exception of Sara Cox.
Carragher hit the headlines again this week when he allegedly jumped up onto a barrier to confront a number of abusive wig-wearing Luton supporters. I believe the FA should spare no expense in finding a solution to crowd provocation, and I know that Jamie is happy to throw money at the problem. An investment on Middlesbrough to beat Liverpool at 9/2 will put a few coins in the kitty.
Mark Hughes is an astute manager. Defeats to Larissa in the UEFA Cup and Coventry in the FA Cup have guaranteed that fixture congestion will not be an issue. Blackburn are unbeaten in Bolton on their last eight visits, a draw at 23/10 will keep that impressive stat rolling.
I try to avoid blowing my own horn, but I can easily relate to people of differing intelligence. If you possess an IQ of 160, I can happily discuss mathematical probability or the ups and downs of nuclear fission. If you’re IQ is less than 50, I’m equally at home discussing the pros and cons of your move to Derby. Robbie Savage can help the ailing Rams take a point off Wigan at 9/4.
Dave Kitson has been rightfully slaughtered for making disparaging remarks about the FA Cup. The ginger hitman disgracefully claimed that he couldn’t give ‘the Neville brothers’ about the historical competition. Personally, I’m a stickler for tradition, and Reading have never won at Villa Park in their history. I’ll be backing the Villa at 8/13, and then backing them again. That’s two hits.
Arsene Wenger has once again hit the jackpot with the sublime Eduardo. I haven’t seen anyone look so comfortable in the box since Martina Navratilova. 1/5 for an Arsenal win over Birmingham is simply smashing.
Apparently, Everton’s trophy room has been burgled. Police are asking the public to be on the lookout for several replicas of the FA Cup, the League Cup and the Cup Winners Cup. I’ll be having it away with the 6/5 for an Everton win over Manchester City.
If Fulham FC were a flavour of ice cream, they would definitely be vanilla. That reminds me of the old song, “I scream, you scream, we all scream if we accidentally look at Carlos Tevez.” I’ll be shrieking like Britney Spears when I take the 3/4 for a West Ham win over Fulham.
Portsmouth have been hit extremely hard by the African Cup of Nations, they’re literally down to the bare bones. Sunderland can take full advantage at 15/8.
The early money in the ‘next Newcastle manager’ market suggests that Harry Redknapp is a shoo-in for the post. Being something of a non-believer, I’ve layed Harry at 1.65 and I have no intention of closing my position. If you’re reading this late and Harry has already taken the job, then I changed my mind and greened out for a MASSIVE profit. I’ll throw my expected winnings on Manchester United to beat Newcastle at 1/4.
Ashley Cole was left mystified when Avram Grant stripped him off the captaincy after an hour last week. He hasn’t been this stunned since Arsenal insulted him by offering a derisory £55,000 a week. I nearly crashed my car when I heard that bookmakers were offering 5/1 for a Tottenham win over Chelsea.
Such an act of generosity has left me in a state of reflection, musing over my own decision to stop supporting the global fight against impotence. I genuinely wanted to honour my commitment, but at the end of the day, I’m not a working stiff.
People who have never suffered from erectile dysfunction are quick to poke fun at those who have; but I simply refuse to rise to the bait. If you don’t back Arsenal, Aston Villa, Everton and Sunderland in a 10/1 accer, you won’t be able to get up in the morning.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Let’s all do the Bart Man
Ignorance is not necessarily bliss. I’ve recently discovered that binge drinking can lead to long-term health problems, such as crabs and Chlamydia.
The arrival of a new year offers me the opportunity to reflect upon my previous excess and resolve to make a significant change. I have made a solemn pledge to drink no more than the next man; as long as the man next to me is Joey Barton.
I hope that Joey has used his time in custody productively, and has questioned the wisdom of some of his earlier decisions. He should never have taken tips on dining etiquette from Lee Bowyer.
A source close to Sam Allardyce has told me that Nicky Butt is extremely disappointed in his teammate’s behaviour, and will be having a quiet little word in his ear to remind him of his responsibilities. Just when Joey thought things couldn’t get any worse, he now has a sore Butt to contend with. I’ll happily pounce on the 11/8 for a Newcastle win over Stoke.
Lee Hughes can empathise with the Barton situation, as he has also returned to football after completing a stretch. “I was touching my toes every night,” bragged the ginger fitness fanatic.
Many people were disappointed with Oldham’s decision to employ Hughes on his release, but Andy Johnson remains fully supportive; he’s even promised to make an ‘A’ sign if he scores a goal. Everton will run over an outclassed Oldham at 1/4.
Manchester United supporters always enjoy their trip to the midlands for their traditional FA Cup 3rd round meeting with Aston Villa. Not only have they saw their team emerge victorious on each of their last eight visits, it’s also a shorter journey than they’re accustomed to. I’m absolutely overjoyed with the prospect of 10/11 for another Manchester United win.
Steve Bruce compared purchasing players in January to buying puppies at Christmas, “You have to make sure it's long term and for the right reasons,” lectured the pugnacious manager. I’ll definitely be getting my hands on a couple of puppies if Sunderland end Wigan’s campaign at 5/4.
An apoplectic Juande Ramos threatened to completely dismantle the Spurs team after they lost to Aston Villa in midweek. I fully expect to see a superhuman effort from the Tottenham players after the manager’s tirade. They can be heroes, just for Juande. Tottenham will repeat last week’s victory over Reading at 8/15.
Freddie Ljungberg is still suffering from migraines. My wife can totally sympathise with the Swede, she’s had a recurring headache for five years. I will be getting my hands on the 6/4 for a West Ham win over Manchester City.
Mark Hughes appears to be willing to release Robbie Savage. The Blackburn manager stated that Robbie ‘doesn't take not playing very well’ and added that Savage was ‘frustrated’. That’s just a fancy way of confirming what we already suspected. I’ll be furiously pounding the 2/5 for a Blackburn win over Coventry.
Coventry could do with a decent cup run, as they still face the threat of liquidation. That must be one big blender. Burnley face an absolute shoeing at the hands of Arsenal, I’m taking an involvement at 2/5.
QPR have some serious financial clout in the boardroom. Lakshmi Mittal could buy and sell Roman Abramovich like a cheap blonde, although Mark Hughes is now attempting to flood the market. Backing Chelsea to beat QPR at 1/6 will lead to small economic growth.
The ‘romance of the cup’ may be a cliché, but I genuinely fancy Sheffield Wednesday to pull off an upset against Derby at 7/2. In fact, it will be more of a shock if they don’t.
Incredibly, I was once accused of being unromantic. This allegation is a complete fabrication. Even when drinking heavily, i’ll always pay for a lady’s kebab before introducing her to the little G. If Tottenham, West Ham, Arsenal and Newcastle land a 10/1 weekend accer, I’ll even consider throwing in a small chips.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
The arrival of a new year offers me the opportunity to reflect upon my previous excess and resolve to make a significant change. I have made a solemn pledge to drink no more than the next man; as long as the man next to me is Joey Barton.
I hope that Joey has used his time in custody productively, and has questioned the wisdom of some of his earlier decisions. He should never have taken tips on dining etiquette from Lee Bowyer.
A source close to Sam Allardyce has told me that Nicky Butt is extremely disappointed in his teammate’s behaviour, and will be having a quiet little word in his ear to remind him of his responsibilities. Just when Joey thought things couldn’t get any worse, he now has a sore Butt to contend with. I’ll happily pounce on the 11/8 for a Newcastle win over Stoke.
Lee Hughes can empathise with the Barton situation, as he has also returned to football after completing a stretch. “I was touching my toes every night,” bragged the ginger fitness fanatic.
Many people were disappointed with Oldham’s decision to employ Hughes on his release, but Andy Johnson remains fully supportive; he’s even promised to make an ‘A’ sign if he scores a goal. Everton will run over an outclassed Oldham at 1/4.
Manchester United supporters always enjoy their trip to the midlands for their traditional FA Cup 3rd round meeting with Aston Villa. Not only have they saw their team emerge victorious on each of their last eight visits, it’s also a shorter journey than they’re accustomed to. I’m absolutely overjoyed with the prospect of 10/11 for another Manchester United win.
Steve Bruce compared purchasing players in January to buying puppies at Christmas, “You have to make sure it's long term and for the right reasons,” lectured the pugnacious manager. I’ll definitely be getting my hands on a couple of puppies if Sunderland end Wigan’s campaign at 5/4.
An apoplectic Juande Ramos threatened to completely dismantle the Spurs team after they lost to Aston Villa in midweek. I fully expect to see a superhuman effort from the Tottenham players after the manager’s tirade. They can be heroes, just for Juande. Tottenham will repeat last week’s victory over Reading at 8/15.
Freddie Ljungberg is still suffering from migraines. My wife can totally sympathise with the Swede, she’s had a recurring headache for five years. I will be getting my hands on the 6/4 for a West Ham win over Manchester City.
Mark Hughes appears to be willing to release Robbie Savage. The Blackburn manager stated that Robbie ‘doesn't take not playing very well’ and added that Savage was ‘frustrated’. That’s just a fancy way of confirming what we already suspected. I’ll be furiously pounding the 2/5 for a Blackburn win over Coventry.
Coventry could do with a decent cup run, as they still face the threat of liquidation. That must be one big blender. Burnley face an absolute shoeing at the hands of Arsenal, I’m taking an involvement at 2/5.
QPR have some serious financial clout in the boardroom. Lakshmi Mittal could buy and sell Roman Abramovich like a cheap blonde, although Mark Hughes is now attempting to flood the market. Backing Chelsea to beat QPR at 1/6 will lead to small economic growth.
The ‘romance of the cup’ may be a cliché, but I genuinely fancy Sheffield Wednesday to pull off an upset against Derby at 7/2. In fact, it will be more of a shock if they don’t.
Incredibly, I was once accused of being unromantic. This allegation is a complete fabrication. Even when drinking heavily, i’ll always pay for a lady’s kebab before introducing her to the little G. If Tottenham, West Ham, Arsenal and Newcastle land a 10/1 weekend accer, I’ll even consider throwing in a small chips.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Obi 1 Hand Solo 0
The wife and I are similar in many ways, but we disagree on the most prudent way to discipline children. Betty is from the old-school, and believes a small slap is perfectly acceptable. I take the opposite view, and prefer the use of a knuckle-duster.
Such actions would not be necessary if it wasn’t for our children being led astray by poor role-models, such as Premier League footballers. Even fully grown men occasionally follow their contentious lead; just last Tuesday I enjoyed a lunchtime roast.
It’s not just the off-field antics that leave a nasty taste in the mouth; the game is still riddled with simulation. There appears to be a growing number of players who embrace the turf more than Jodie Foster.
Peter Crouch tried to point the finger at foreign players after trying to dissect Jon Obi Mikel. As Crouch launched into his astonishing tirade, a sheepish Steven Gerrard kept his head down in the background. I hope that Stevie steps up when Liverpool play Manchester City; I’m hitting the Reds at 11/10.
Luckily, some players are willing to change. Ashley Young may have been guilty of going down easily in the past, but I have it on good authority that he plans to get a grip of himself over the coming months. The inspirational Young will lead Aston Villa to victory over Wigan at 7/5.
Arsene Wenger’s decision to release Ashley Cole was truly inspired. Arsenal’s new left-back has been a revelation this season, but I disagree with his assertion that players need a winter break. That’s just a tired cliché. The 6/5 for an Arsenal win over Everton should be on everybody’s lips.
David Sullivan has claimed that the departure of Steve Bruce was “the best thing that has ever happened to Birmingham City.” He’s obviously forgotten about the glorious Auto Windscreens Shield campaign of 1995. The Blues can crack a managerless Fulham at 10/11.
Sol Campbell does not appreciate terrace banter. The big man has asked for intervention from the FA, the PFA, and somewhat optimistically, the government. I just can’t see Gordon Brown introducing a ministry for the concerns of the slightly deranged. Portsmouth are unbeaten against Boro in their last 10 meets: I’d rather listen to a repeat of the Queen’s speech than miss the 7/10 for a Pompey win.
I try to stay away from the political arena as a rule, but there is something seriously amiss in this country when the likable Al Bangura is threatened with deportation, yet the campaign to remove Robbie Savage is ignored by the suits in Westminster. The 10/11 for a Blackburn win against the luckless Derby is equally perplexing.
Roy Keane has been linked with a move for Robbie Savage in the January window. I’m pleased that the Irishman hasn’t allowed Sunderland’s perilous position to affect his sense of humour. I’ll be laughing like Peter Beardsley’s photographer when I take the 6/4 for a Sunderland win over Bolton.
Jermain Defoe remains understandably unhappy with his prolonged spell on the bench, as he has to keep a continual eye out for a drunken Alan Davies. Tottenham are firing on all cylinders, I’ll happily take a bite out of the 4/7 for a Spurs win against a floundering Reading.
Wayne Rooney allegedly made a few risqué suggestions to a Daily Mirror reporter at Manchester United’s controversial Christmas bash. A stunned Mr McGovern was forced to make his excuses and leave. I won’t be knocking back the 3/1 for a draw between West Ham and Manchester United.
Chelsea have been leaking goals since John Terry met with Emmanuel Eboue’s studs of immediate justice; but they face a Newcastle side who remain impotent on the road. We should all rise to welcome the 4/9 for a Chelsea win.
Alex can consider himself fortunate to be JT’s replacement. The Brazilian could stand back-to-back with Frank Lampard and form a perfect circle. Portsmouth, Tottenham, Arsenal and Liverpool form a 10/1 accer that is the literal definition of perfection.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
Such actions would not be necessary if it wasn’t for our children being led astray by poor role-models, such as Premier League footballers. Even fully grown men occasionally follow their contentious lead; just last Tuesday I enjoyed a lunchtime roast.
It’s not just the off-field antics that leave a nasty taste in the mouth; the game is still riddled with simulation. There appears to be a growing number of players who embrace the turf more than Jodie Foster.
Peter Crouch tried to point the finger at foreign players after trying to dissect Jon Obi Mikel. As Crouch launched into his astonishing tirade, a sheepish Steven Gerrard kept his head down in the background. I hope that Stevie steps up when Liverpool play Manchester City; I’m hitting the Reds at 11/10.
Luckily, some players are willing to change. Ashley Young may have been guilty of going down easily in the past, but I have it on good authority that he plans to get a grip of himself over the coming months. The inspirational Young will lead Aston Villa to victory over Wigan at 7/5.
Arsene Wenger’s decision to release Ashley Cole was truly inspired. Arsenal’s new left-back has been a revelation this season, but I disagree with his assertion that players need a winter break. That’s just a tired cliché. The 6/5 for an Arsenal win over Everton should be on everybody’s lips.
David Sullivan has claimed that the departure of Steve Bruce was “the best thing that has ever happened to Birmingham City.” He’s obviously forgotten about the glorious Auto Windscreens Shield campaign of 1995. The Blues can crack a managerless Fulham at 10/11.
Sol Campbell does not appreciate terrace banter. The big man has asked for intervention from the FA, the PFA, and somewhat optimistically, the government. I just can’t see Gordon Brown introducing a ministry for the concerns of the slightly deranged. Portsmouth are unbeaten against Boro in their last 10 meets: I’d rather listen to a repeat of the Queen’s speech than miss the 7/10 for a Pompey win.
I try to stay away from the political arena as a rule, but there is something seriously amiss in this country when the likable Al Bangura is threatened with deportation, yet the campaign to remove Robbie Savage is ignored by the suits in Westminster. The 10/11 for a Blackburn win against the luckless Derby is equally perplexing.
Roy Keane has been linked with a move for Robbie Savage in the January window. I’m pleased that the Irishman hasn’t allowed Sunderland’s perilous position to affect his sense of humour. I’ll be laughing like Peter Beardsley’s photographer when I take the 6/4 for a Sunderland win over Bolton.
Jermain Defoe remains understandably unhappy with his prolonged spell on the bench, as he has to keep a continual eye out for a drunken Alan Davies. Tottenham are firing on all cylinders, I’ll happily take a bite out of the 4/7 for a Spurs win against a floundering Reading.
Wayne Rooney allegedly made a few risqué suggestions to a Daily Mirror reporter at Manchester United’s controversial Christmas bash. A stunned Mr McGovern was forced to make his excuses and leave. I won’t be knocking back the 3/1 for a draw between West Ham and Manchester United.
Chelsea have been leaking goals since John Terry met with Emmanuel Eboue’s studs of immediate justice; but they face a Newcastle side who remain impotent on the road. We should all rise to welcome the 4/9 for a Chelsea win.
Alex can consider himself fortunate to be JT’s replacement. The Brazilian could stand back-to-back with Frank Lampard and form a perfect circle. Portsmouth, Tottenham, Arsenal and Liverpool form a 10/1 accer that is the literal definition of perfection.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Charity, Empathy and Chas to Tea
I remain a slave to tradition. Every year, I make a complete fool of myself at the office Christmas party, and this year was no exception. After consuming a few too many ales, I made a misguided play for the cleaner under the mistletoe. He was absolutely livid.
My luck is unlikely to improve over the holidays. The wife has invited her mother and her sister to Christmas dinner. Ho Ho Ho.
I refuse to wallow in self pity though, as there are children in this world who live in near poverty. In a completely selfless gesture on my part, I’ve bought myself a new pair of trainers to reward their strong work ethic.
In an uncharacteristic piece of good fortune, I’ve been spared the expense of weighing in for gifts for my own kids. As Blackburn fought back to 2-2 against Arsenal in midweek, the little ones overheard me say that Santa was literally on fire. I’m investing the savings on a Blackburn win over Chelsea at 7/2.
The most annoying aspect of the ‘festive’ period is probably the repetitive advertisements. Ian Wright looked to have won the award for the most grating commercial, until Jamie Redknapp and Tim Lovejoy formed an unstoppable axis of evil.
I’ve disgracefully found myself singing along to that awful ad that accuses Reo-Coker of buying knock-off DVDs. Such a practise is reprehensible: you can download movies for free off the internet. 11/10 for a Villa win over Manchester City is another spectacular giveaway.
Michael Owen must be a happy man after Manchester City declared an interest in his services. The miniscule hitman has suffered more than his fair share of injuries throughout his career, and under Sam Allardyce, a strained neck is almost inevitable. I’m hardly sticking my neck out by suggesting a Newcastle win over Derby at 2/5.
Tottenham and Arsenal do not get along. The animosity was born in 1913 when Arsenal invaded their territory, and tensions rose further when the Gunners replaced them in the top flight after a ballot in 1919. The relationship between the two clubs completely deteriorated in 2007, when Alan Davies tried to eat Chas and Dave for resembling the homeless. I’m putting my house on a draw between the fierce rivals at 3/1.
When Gary Megson arrived at Bolton, he had a 1.7% approval rate, and there was a 2% margin for error. The people of Bolton are warming to the ginger Mourinho; he can turn the screw on Birmingham at even money.
Alan Curbishley is worried that Anton Ferdinand is in danger of embracing a pop-star culture. The West Ham boss has nothing to worry about; all pop-stars are good-lookers, with the exception of Lily Allen. I’ll be happy to get on the 23/10 for a draw between Middlesbrough and West Ham.
I felt sorry for Steve Bennett as he had to face Roy Keane after ruling out a legitimate Sunderland winner last week. I’d sooner go into a tunnel with Henri Paul than the volatile Irishman. I’ll be absolutely smashed when Reading oblige at even money against Sunderland.
Manchester United are way too short at 4/9 for the visit of Everton. The Moyes Boys are on a 12 match unbeaten run, and they’ve left Old Trafford with a point on two of their last three trips. The Toffeemen are available at 9/4 to avoid defeat, which has left me as excited as Wayne Rooney on ‘Gran Slam Sunday’.
These cold mornings are absolutely killing me. The wife nicked my toast this morning, which was bordering on an absolute liberty. Ronaldo can empathise with my situation, as Marcus Bent has reportedly been playing with his porridge. I’ve got the oats to get my cash down on a Fulham win over Wigan at 23/20.
Christmas is especially hard on little orphan children. It’s perfectly understandable that the more vulnerable will struggle to adapt to a strange new home at this time of year, and some will even consider running away. I heard reports just last weekend that a young Spanish lad went missing in Liverpool. Fernando will mark his return by sleighing Pompey at 4/7.
I’m all for enjoying the excesses of the festive period, but I also take the time to contemplate the real meaning of Christmas.
To those with faith, he was a saviour; but he suffered on the cross. I just hope he lets a few more in for Pompey this weekend. Liverpool, Aston Villa, Bolton, Reading and Newcastle form a nailed-on Christmas accer at a perfectly pious 15/1.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
My luck is unlikely to improve over the holidays. The wife has invited her mother and her sister to Christmas dinner. Ho Ho Ho.
I refuse to wallow in self pity though, as there are children in this world who live in near poverty. In a completely selfless gesture on my part, I’ve bought myself a new pair of trainers to reward their strong work ethic.
In an uncharacteristic piece of good fortune, I’ve been spared the expense of weighing in for gifts for my own kids. As Blackburn fought back to 2-2 against Arsenal in midweek, the little ones overheard me say that Santa was literally on fire. I’m investing the savings on a Blackburn win over Chelsea at 7/2.
The most annoying aspect of the ‘festive’ period is probably the repetitive advertisements. Ian Wright looked to have won the award for the most grating commercial, until Jamie Redknapp and Tim Lovejoy formed an unstoppable axis of evil.
I’ve disgracefully found myself singing along to that awful ad that accuses Reo-Coker of buying knock-off DVDs. Such a practise is reprehensible: you can download movies for free off the internet. 11/10 for a Villa win over Manchester City is another spectacular giveaway.
Michael Owen must be a happy man after Manchester City declared an interest in his services. The miniscule hitman has suffered more than his fair share of injuries throughout his career, and under Sam Allardyce, a strained neck is almost inevitable. I’m hardly sticking my neck out by suggesting a Newcastle win over Derby at 2/5.
Tottenham and Arsenal do not get along. The animosity was born in 1913 when Arsenal invaded their territory, and tensions rose further when the Gunners replaced them in the top flight after a ballot in 1919. The relationship between the two clubs completely deteriorated in 2007, when Alan Davies tried to eat Chas and Dave for resembling the homeless. I’m putting my house on a draw between the fierce rivals at 3/1.
When Gary Megson arrived at Bolton, he had a 1.7% approval rate, and there was a 2% margin for error. The people of Bolton are warming to the ginger Mourinho; he can turn the screw on Birmingham at even money.
Alan Curbishley is worried that Anton Ferdinand is in danger of embracing a pop-star culture. The West Ham boss has nothing to worry about; all pop-stars are good-lookers, with the exception of Lily Allen. I’ll be happy to get on the 23/10 for a draw between Middlesbrough and West Ham.
I felt sorry for Steve Bennett as he had to face Roy Keane after ruling out a legitimate Sunderland winner last week. I’d sooner go into a tunnel with Henri Paul than the volatile Irishman. I’ll be absolutely smashed when Reading oblige at even money against Sunderland.
Manchester United are way too short at 4/9 for the visit of Everton. The Moyes Boys are on a 12 match unbeaten run, and they’ve left Old Trafford with a point on two of their last three trips. The Toffeemen are available at 9/4 to avoid defeat, which has left me as excited as Wayne Rooney on ‘Gran Slam Sunday’.
These cold mornings are absolutely killing me. The wife nicked my toast this morning, which was bordering on an absolute liberty. Ronaldo can empathise with my situation, as Marcus Bent has reportedly been playing with his porridge. I’ve got the oats to get my cash down on a Fulham win over Wigan at 23/20.
Christmas is especially hard on little orphan children. It’s perfectly understandable that the more vulnerable will struggle to adapt to a strange new home at this time of year, and some will even consider running away. I heard reports just last weekend that a young Spanish lad went missing in Liverpool. Fernando will mark his return by sleighing Pompey at 4/7.
I’m all for enjoying the excesses of the festive period, but I also take the time to contemplate the real meaning of Christmas.
To those with faith, he was a saviour; but he suffered on the cross. I just hope he lets a few more in for Pompey this weekend. Liverpool, Aston Villa, Bolton, Reading and Newcastle form a nailed-on Christmas accer at a perfectly pious 15/1.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Bow Down To Happy Gilmore
I’m all for good-natured banter at a football match, but supporters are beginning to overstep the line. Harry Redknapp commands respect from all the major players in the game, such as Frank Lampard and Jamie Redknapp, yet the colourful manager endured a torrent of vitriolic abuse when Portsmouth travelled to Aston Villa.
As the match slipped away from the Villans, the Holte End outrageously suggested that Harry had bunged the referee. That accusation is entirely without foundation: Harry prefers goods inwards to despatch.
The Villa fans went on to intimate that Harry enjoys the occasional stroke of the pink puppy. I wouldn’t criticise Redknapp even if this was true, as it’s an understandable reaction after Jamie.
A minority of supporters then disgracefully claimed that Harry would soon be behind bars, partaking in certain activities in the shower area. Not only does this slur completely contradict their earlier insinuation; it’s also downright offensive, and Harry will not be taking this lying down. We’ll all have red cheeks if we miss the 5/2 for a Tottenham win over Pompey.
The travelling Villa supporters will hopefully show a little more restraint when around Roy Keane, as his preferred method of conflict resolution does not involve complaining to selected media outlets. I’m spreading the word that 9/4 for a draw between Sunderland and the Villa looks pretty tasty.
When it comes to speaking to the BBC, Sam Allardyce is also a total blanker. The Beeb fought back on last week’s Match of the Day; they comically photoshopped a ridiculous woolly hat on his oversized head. I can’t wait to get my hands on the mammoth 6/4 for a Fulham win over Newcastle.
Team news is probably the single most important factor in betting, after recent form or a nod from Kieren Fallon, so I’ll wait for updates on Hleb, Flamini and Fabregas before taking an interest in the Arsenal v Chelsea match. Four of the last six Premier League meetings between the two giants have finished all square, so I’ll tentatively look towards the 9/4 for a draw at this early stage.
Birmingham City will definitely have to strengthen their squad in January, and with Alex McLeish at the helm, I expect there to be a strong Scottish connection. Two names that immediately spring to mind are Miller and Becks. There is a player nicknamed ‘Woodpecker’ who McLeish would love to sign, but he’s tied up at Chelsea. I’m definitely attached to the 5/4 for a Birmingham win over Reading.
Middlesbrough are a riddle, wrapped up in an enigma, shrouded in mystery, situated in a hole. I’m praying the Boro will produce their A-game against the outclassed Derby at a larger than expected 7/5.
Lee Bowyer is on the verge of a return to action after recovering from Gilmore’s groin. It was a genuine surprise to me; I thought he just had a tear of the adductor muscles. People should be falling over themselves to get on 15/8 for an Everton win over West Ham.
Dressing-room dissent is on the rise at Wigan. One senior player is already on Steve Bruce’s back, and that’s not a position I would like to see anyone in. The player, who wishes to remain anonymous, has suggested that Bruce is a long-ball merchant. Paul Scharner continued, “If we don't change to playing football, then it will be very difficult.” The only thing attractive at the JJB this weekend is the 11/8 for a Blackburn win.
I watched in horror last weekend as Stephen Ireland committed what can only be described as a heinous crime: he appeared to be wearing a wig. Call me old fashioned, but toupees are only acceptable for the bald and the ginger.
Let’s be honest, if Ireland is using a piece, and it remains conjecture at this stage, it doesn’t make him any less of a man. Only wearing a pink jumper on a night out will result in any long-term loss of man-points. Bolton have won their last three at Manchester City, winning them all ‘to nil’. I refuse to cover up my interest in Megson’s men at 4/1.
Life is full of little coincidences. As Steven Gerrard was throwing himself to the ground in Marseille, his wife was getting turned over at home. There was also a burglary. I’m helping myself to the 13/8 for a Liverpool win over Manchester United.
I hope Stevie can recover from the trauma, as I need the influential Scouser to win the ‘battle of the inner-ear infections’ against Ronaldo to land the weekend accer. Birmingham, Middlesbrough, Tottenham and Liverpool are the selections, the payout is an increasingly plummeting 45/1.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
As the match slipped away from the Villans, the Holte End outrageously suggested that Harry had bunged the referee. That accusation is entirely without foundation: Harry prefers goods inwards to despatch.
The Villa fans went on to intimate that Harry enjoys the occasional stroke of the pink puppy. I wouldn’t criticise Redknapp even if this was true, as it’s an understandable reaction after Jamie.
A minority of supporters then disgracefully claimed that Harry would soon be behind bars, partaking in certain activities in the shower area. Not only does this slur completely contradict their earlier insinuation; it’s also downright offensive, and Harry will not be taking this lying down. We’ll all have red cheeks if we miss the 5/2 for a Tottenham win over Pompey.
The travelling Villa supporters will hopefully show a little more restraint when around Roy Keane, as his preferred method of conflict resolution does not involve complaining to selected media outlets. I’m spreading the word that 9/4 for a draw between Sunderland and the Villa looks pretty tasty.
When it comes to speaking to the BBC, Sam Allardyce is also a total blanker. The Beeb fought back on last week’s Match of the Day; they comically photoshopped a ridiculous woolly hat on his oversized head. I can’t wait to get my hands on the mammoth 6/4 for a Fulham win over Newcastle.
Team news is probably the single most important factor in betting, after recent form or a nod from Kieren Fallon, so I’ll wait for updates on Hleb, Flamini and Fabregas before taking an interest in the Arsenal v Chelsea match. Four of the last six Premier League meetings between the two giants have finished all square, so I’ll tentatively look towards the 9/4 for a draw at this early stage.
Birmingham City will definitely have to strengthen their squad in January, and with Alex McLeish at the helm, I expect there to be a strong Scottish connection. Two names that immediately spring to mind are Miller and Becks. There is a player nicknamed ‘Woodpecker’ who McLeish would love to sign, but he’s tied up at Chelsea. I’m definitely attached to the 5/4 for a Birmingham win over Reading.
Middlesbrough are a riddle, wrapped up in an enigma, shrouded in mystery, situated in a hole. I’m praying the Boro will produce their A-game against the outclassed Derby at a larger than expected 7/5.
Lee Bowyer is on the verge of a return to action after recovering from Gilmore’s groin. It was a genuine surprise to me; I thought he just had a tear of the adductor muscles. People should be falling over themselves to get on 15/8 for an Everton win over West Ham.
Dressing-room dissent is on the rise at Wigan. One senior player is already on Steve Bruce’s back, and that’s not a position I would like to see anyone in. The player, who wishes to remain anonymous, has suggested that Bruce is a long-ball merchant. Paul Scharner continued, “If we don't change to playing football, then it will be very difficult.” The only thing attractive at the JJB this weekend is the 11/8 for a Blackburn win.
I watched in horror last weekend as Stephen Ireland committed what can only be described as a heinous crime: he appeared to be wearing a wig. Call me old fashioned, but toupees are only acceptable for the bald and the ginger.
Let’s be honest, if Ireland is using a piece, and it remains conjecture at this stage, it doesn’t make him any less of a man. Only wearing a pink jumper on a night out will result in any long-term loss of man-points. Bolton have won their last three at Manchester City, winning them all ‘to nil’. I refuse to cover up my interest in Megson’s men at 4/1.
Life is full of little coincidences. As Steven Gerrard was throwing himself to the ground in Marseille, his wife was getting turned over at home. There was also a burglary. I’m helping myself to the 13/8 for a Liverpool win over Manchester United.
I hope Stevie can recover from the trauma, as I need the influential Scouser to win the ‘battle of the inner-ear infections’ against Ronaldo to land the weekend accer. Birmingham, Middlesbrough, Tottenham and Liverpool are the selections, the payout is an increasingly plummeting 45/1.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Third Ruck from the Son
A great book does not necessarily make a great movie. Catch 22 is probably the seminal piece of literature of the twentieth century (if we choose to overlook Derek McGovern on Sports Betting); yet the film was a major disappointment. Somewhat conversely, I found George Orwell’s tale of Soviet totalitarianism quite heavy going, but I must have watched Animal Farm 17 times.
One story that is absolutely crying out for the transfer to celluloid is the life and times of Harry Redknapp. Harry has unrealistically named Ray Winstone as an ideal candidate to play the leading role; i’d have cast Timothy Spall. I have it on good authority that Spall would consider any offer, so I’m knocking up a script entitled ‘The buying, the twitch and the hoard probe.’
Harry is still understandably seething after the police raided his home at the crack of dawn. Harry can consider himself fortunate that it wasn’t the West Midlands filth who were on the case, as he’d probably have been charged with 47 crimes. I feel like I’m stitching up the bookmakers by taking 6/5 for a Villa win over Pompey.
I was a little perturbed when I read that the Liverpool supporters were right behind Rafa Benitez; I thought it was a prelude to a carjacking. Fernando Torres has already bagged a hat-trick at the Madejski this season; the Spanish sensation can lead the Pool to another win over Reading at 8/11.
Steve Gibson should accept some responsibility for the dire state of English football. If the imperturbable chairman had the nouse to sack floundering managers at the appropriate juncture, the England supporters would be packing their balaclavas next summer. Gibson is once again supporting an incompetent incumbent: Arsenal will hammer home the message at 8/15.
I couldn’t understand the furore surrounding Robbie Keane’s dismissal against Birmingham last week. For me, there’s nothing wrong with ‘4th official consultation’, or ‘Dowd syndrome’ as it will hopefully be labelled. Manchester City have lost their last three matches at White Hart Lane and Elano is a serious doubt: 6/5 for Spurs is practically a gift.
Everton are a confident call at home to the travelsick Fulham. The Cottagers have never won a league match at Goodison Park in their history, and their six Premier League visits have earned them a total of zero points. I’d sooner leave my grandmother unsupervised with Wayne Rooney than miss out on the Toffeemen at 3/5.
David Bentley has been likened to David Beckham. I’ve been left completely flummoxed by this comparison; i can only assume he has a girlfriend who can’t sing. I’ll be screaming like a bint if West Ham hold Blackburn to a draw at 11/4.
Apparently, prison holds no fear for Joey Barton; I guess he’s looking forward to the family reunion. I’m embracing the 10/11 for a Newcastle win over Birmingham like a long-lost law-abiding brother.
Wigan are in a real fight at the wrong end of the table, which may explain why they appointed a manager who looks like he’s gone 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Wigan have now gone 12 matches without a win; I’ll be punching the bag if Bolton fail to land the spoils at 11/10.
If Manchester United v Derby was a boxing match, it would never get sanctioned; unless it was a Frank Warren promotion. Fergie is always up for the fight; I just hope his Dad can follow his lead. I’ll get a few rounds in after United slam the Rams at 1/7.
When Ashley Cole retires from football, he should consider a career in the fight game. It wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest to see the combative defender end up in the ring. I’d advise Frank Lampard against considering pugilism though; he’d struggle to find an opponent in his weight class. You won’t have to wait too long for a return if you take 1/5 for a Chelsea win over Sunderland.
I believe Ricky Hatton can emerge victorious from his mega-fight with Floyd Mayweather. Ricky has the skill, the belief, the intensity and the heart, and even more importantly, the most talked about hook since Abu Hamza. The ‘Pretty Boy’ has an impressive record, but he struggles when opponents bring the fight to him; and Ricky will be all over him like the old bill on Harry Redknapp. For me, this is a 60/40 fight; making 9/5 about the Hitman particularly agreeable.
I had quite a respectable record when I used to fight at junior school. I remember beating up the toughest kid in Year 6: that’ll teach him for questioning last week’s accumulator. Aston Villa, Newcastle, Bolton and Tottenham form a 15/1 accer that will land a knockout blow to the bookies.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
One story that is absolutely crying out for the transfer to celluloid is the life and times of Harry Redknapp. Harry has unrealistically named Ray Winstone as an ideal candidate to play the leading role; i’d have cast Timothy Spall. I have it on good authority that Spall would consider any offer, so I’m knocking up a script entitled ‘The buying, the twitch and the hoard probe.’
Harry is still understandably seething after the police raided his home at the crack of dawn. Harry can consider himself fortunate that it wasn’t the West Midlands filth who were on the case, as he’d probably have been charged with 47 crimes. I feel like I’m stitching up the bookmakers by taking 6/5 for a Villa win over Pompey.
I was a little perturbed when I read that the Liverpool supporters were right behind Rafa Benitez; I thought it was a prelude to a carjacking. Fernando Torres has already bagged a hat-trick at the Madejski this season; the Spanish sensation can lead the Pool to another win over Reading at 8/11.
Steve Gibson should accept some responsibility for the dire state of English football. If the imperturbable chairman had the nouse to sack floundering managers at the appropriate juncture, the England supporters would be packing their balaclavas next summer. Gibson is once again supporting an incompetent incumbent: Arsenal will hammer home the message at 8/15.
I couldn’t understand the furore surrounding Robbie Keane’s dismissal against Birmingham last week. For me, there’s nothing wrong with ‘4th official consultation’, or ‘Dowd syndrome’ as it will hopefully be labelled. Manchester City have lost their last three matches at White Hart Lane and Elano is a serious doubt: 6/5 for Spurs is practically a gift.
Everton are a confident call at home to the travelsick Fulham. The Cottagers have never won a league match at Goodison Park in their history, and their six Premier League visits have earned them a total of zero points. I’d sooner leave my grandmother unsupervised with Wayne Rooney than miss out on the Toffeemen at 3/5.
David Bentley has been likened to David Beckham. I’ve been left completely flummoxed by this comparison; i can only assume he has a girlfriend who can’t sing. I’ll be screaming like a bint if West Ham hold Blackburn to a draw at 11/4.
Apparently, prison holds no fear for Joey Barton; I guess he’s looking forward to the family reunion. I’m embracing the 10/11 for a Newcastle win over Birmingham like a long-lost law-abiding brother.
Wigan are in a real fight at the wrong end of the table, which may explain why they appointed a manager who looks like he’s gone 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Wigan have now gone 12 matches without a win; I’ll be punching the bag if Bolton fail to land the spoils at 11/10.
If Manchester United v Derby was a boxing match, it would never get sanctioned; unless it was a Frank Warren promotion. Fergie is always up for the fight; I just hope his Dad can follow his lead. I’ll get a few rounds in after United slam the Rams at 1/7.
When Ashley Cole retires from football, he should consider a career in the fight game. It wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest to see the combative defender end up in the ring. I’d advise Frank Lampard against considering pugilism though; he’d struggle to find an opponent in his weight class. You won’t have to wait too long for a return if you take 1/5 for a Chelsea win over Sunderland.
I believe Ricky Hatton can emerge victorious from his mega-fight with Floyd Mayweather. Ricky has the skill, the belief, the intensity and the heart, and even more importantly, the most talked about hook since Abu Hamza. The ‘Pretty Boy’ has an impressive record, but he struggles when opponents bring the fight to him; and Ricky will be all over him like the old bill on Harry Redknapp. For me, this is a 60/40 fight; making 9/5 about the Hitman particularly agreeable.
I had quite a respectable record when I used to fight at junior school. I remember beating up the toughest kid in Year 6: that’ll teach him for questioning last week’s accumulator. Aston Villa, Newcastle, Bolton and Tottenham form a 15/1 accer that will land a knockout blow to the bookies.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Short and fat, with a Terry on the top
Sigmund Freud was nothing but a hairy quack. My cantankerous nature is not the result of a repressed Oedipus complex; I only feel hostility towards my father because he’s really annoying.
Before senility kicked in, the old fellow would try in vain to act cool around my friends. I genuinely sympathise with anyone who has had to endure a similar ordeal; so naturally I have plenty of time for Shaun Wright-Phillips.
I must defend Shaun after allegations that he left a female guest in tears at his recent birthday bash. It’s been reported that the young lady broke down when Wright-Phillips allegedly snatched her camera. All she had to do was hold it up in the air.
I can’t be as forgiving in regard to the disgraceful behaviour of John Terry. I have no problem with the England captain publicly urinating in a cup; but hitting the dance floor remains a strict social faux pas for any self-respecting male.
Frank Lampard was on his best behaviour at the party, as he’s completely focused on his personal grudge match against West Ham. I guess it’s true about an elephant never forgetting. I’ve emailed myself a reminder to get on Chelsea at 1/3.
Email has definitely made my daily life more efficient, but it really annoys me when I receive about 40 emails a day asking me to buy Viagra. On reflection, I should never have shared my email address with the wife. Paul Jewell will definitely struggle to keep Derby up: I’m hitting the 7/10 for a Sunderland win over the Rams.
It’s been a great week for the Birmingham City board. The Blues could easily afford to pay the Scottish FA £1m in compensation for Alex McLeish, as they had already received £3m from Wigan for Steve Bruce. I just hope they bought Dave Whelan breakfast after hammering out that deal. I’m filling up on the colossal 1/2 for a Tottenham win over the fortunate Brummies.
Stephen Hunt was up to his old tricks last week. I haven’t seen such a disappointing tackle since pictures of John Terry’s cup-trick circulated on the internet. We can all go out on the lash when the overpriced Middlesbrough scythe through a mediocre Reading at 16/5.
Has there ever been a more annoying person than Jamie Redknapp? I normally abhor violence, but if I ever met his old man; I’d have to give him a backhander. I’m putting my hands up to backing Pompey at 5/4 against Everton.
I was stunned to read that Rafa Benitez is on the verge of losing his job. I asked a Liverpool supporter friend, Rob Smith, for his opinion. “We can only win cups under Rafa, he claimed, and then we have to go to the trouble of keeping them away from John Terry.” I refuse to hide away from the 1/3 for a Liverpool win over Bolton.
A comical misunderstanding had led to the FA charging Sir Alex Ferguson with using foul and abusive language to an official. Fergie told Mark Clattenburg that he hoped to fight off competition for Yakubu’s signature when the transfer window reopens in January: which explains the use of the phrase ‘Yak hunt’. Manchester United have scored 20 goals in their last four matches against Fulham; the 1/5 for a United win can only be interpreted as an absolute banker.
The usual suspects have been quick to condemn supporters who choose to boo the England players who let their country down, but I believe the fans’ reaction was perfectly justified. I do hope the Manchester City supporters lay off Emile Heskey though; as he was never really an England player. The 9/4 for a draw between Wigan and Manchester City deserves a rapturous welcome.
Arsene Wenger compared managing England to putting your head in the mouth of a crocodile. That’s definitely a bad move unless you’ve got a miniscule head, like John Terry. Arsenal are unbeaten at Villa Park on their last eight meets; there’s nothing diminutive about the even money for another victory for the all conquering Gunners.
I have nothing but admiration for Sam Allardyce after he asked the FA to rule him out of contention for the England post. I’ve followed Sam’s lead, and have asked Natasha Kaplinsky to rule me out of any potential boyfriend position she may have. I will be getting on the 10/11 for a Blackburn win over Newcastle.
I did feel sorry for Big Sam when I heard Newcastle fans chant “You don’t know what you’re doing.” These supporters regularly take off their shirts in the middle of winter: tactics may not be their strong point. Backing Blackburn, Sunderland, Arsenal, Liverpool, Tottenham and Manchester United in a 13/1 accer is a manoeuvre that even the shivering Geordies can warm to.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
Before senility kicked in, the old fellow would try in vain to act cool around my friends. I genuinely sympathise with anyone who has had to endure a similar ordeal; so naturally I have plenty of time for Shaun Wright-Phillips.
I must defend Shaun after allegations that he left a female guest in tears at his recent birthday bash. It’s been reported that the young lady broke down when Wright-Phillips allegedly snatched her camera. All she had to do was hold it up in the air.
I can’t be as forgiving in regard to the disgraceful behaviour of John Terry. I have no problem with the England captain publicly urinating in a cup; but hitting the dance floor remains a strict social faux pas for any self-respecting male.
Frank Lampard was on his best behaviour at the party, as he’s completely focused on his personal grudge match against West Ham. I guess it’s true about an elephant never forgetting. I’ve emailed myself a reminder to get on Chelsea at 1/3.
Email has definitely made my daily life more efficient, but it really annoys me when I receive about 40 emails a day asking me to buy Viagra. On reflection, I should never have shared my email address with the wife. Paul Jewell will definitely struggle to keep Derby up: I’m hitting the 7/10 for a Sunderland win over the Rams.
It’s been a great week for the Birmingham City board. The Blues could easily afford to pay the Scottish FA £1m in compensation for Alex McLeish, as they had already received £3m from Wigan for Steve Bruce. I just hope they bought Dave Whelan breakfast after hammering out that deal. I’m filling up on the colossal 1/2 for a Tottenham win over the fortunate Brummies.
Stephen Hunt was up to his old tricks last week. I haven’t seen such a disappointing tackle since pictures of John Terry’s cup-trick circulated on the internet. We can all go out on the lash when the overpriced Middlesbrough scythe through a mediocre Reading at 16/5.
Has there ever been a more annoying person than Jamie Redknapp? I normally abhor violence, but if I ever met his old man; I’d have to give him a backhander. I’m putting my hands up to backing Pompey at 5/4 against Everton.
I was stunned to read that Rafa Benitez is on the verge of losing his job. I asked a Liverpool supporter friend, Rob Smith, for his opinion. “We can only win cups under Rafa, he claimed, and then we have to go to the trouble of keeping them away from John Terry.” I refuse to hide away from the 1/3 for a Liverpool win over Bolton.
A comical misunderstanding had led to the FA charging Sir Alex Ferguson with using foul and abusive language to an official. Fergie told Mark Clattenburg that he hoped to fight off competition for Yakubu’s signature when the transfer window reopens in January: which explains the use of the phrase ‘Yak hunt’. Manchester United have scored 20 goals in their last four matches against Fulham; the 1/5 for a United win can only be interpreted as an absolute banker.
The usual suspects have been quick to condemn supporters who choose to boo the England players who let their country down, but I believe the fans’ reaction was perfectly justified. I do hope the Manchester City supporters lay off Emile Heskey though; as he was never really an England player. The 9/4 for a draw between Wigan and Manchester City deserves a rapturous welcome.
Arsene Wenger compared managing England to putting your head in the mouth of a crocodile. That’s definitely a bad move unless you’ve got a miniscule head, like John Terry. Arsenal are unbeaten at Villa Park on their last eight meets; there’s nothing diminutive about the even money for another victory for the all conquering Gunners.
I have nothing but admiration for Sam Allardyce after he asked the FA to rule him out of contention for the England post. I’ve followed Sam’s lead, and have asked Natasha Kaplinsky to rule me out of any potential boyfriend position she may have. I will be getting on the 10/11 for a Blackburn win over Newcastle.
I did feel sorry for Big Sam when I heard Newcastle fans chant “You don’t know what you’re doing.” These supporters regularly take off their shirts in the middle of winter: tactics may not be their strong point. Backing Blackburn, Sunderland, Arsenal, Liverpool, Tottenham and Manchester United in a 13/1 accer is a manoeuvre that even the shivering Geordies can warm to.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
Thursday, November 22, 2007
It’s Wayne in Cats and Dogs
I’ve never really saw the point in children. I can appreciate their usefulness when they’re big enough to nip down to the off-license, but I’m not sure if that justifies the £10 a year it costs to clothe them.
My little Goliath has been playing up recently. The wife has the cheek to say he takes after his father, although that does boil down to guesswork on her part.
I’ve gone out of my way to try and bond with the lad in an attempt to curb his misbehaviour. I even tried to connect with my feminine side; but I had to call it a day when my phone bill went through the roof.
I guess the problem lies in the fact that we have very little in common. The only sport that interests the little man is wrestling; as the sight of a horizontal 20 stone freak reminds him of his mother.
I just wish we had a relationship where we could share more with each other; like the Allardyces.
Big Sam must be regretting his claim that Rafa Benitez should be sacked as a result of poor Premiership form. You don’t have be a whiny Canadian dwarf to appreciate the irony. The 11/10 for a Liverpool win over Newcastle is positively gargantuan.
Wayne Rooney is studying English literature in a noble attempt to further his education. I’d love to hear his thoughts on ‘Where’s Spot’ and ‘The Cat in the Hat’. Rooney’s home-study may well lead to a GCSE: ‘grandmothers can sleep easily’. I’m getting up early to take 1/2 for a Manchester United win over Bolton.
I was looking forward to previewing the West Ham v Tottenham match, as Lennon and McCartney may share the same stage. Unfortunately, I’ve received a legal document informing me that I must address them as McCartney and Lennon. The 13/8 for a Tottenham win over West Ham is out of order.
Call me a lunatic conspiracy theorist; but is it a coincidence that a week after Frank Lampard admitted to being a Tory, he helped lead England out of Europe. I don’t need a referendum to accept 2/7 for a Chelsea win over Derby.
Blackburn are still embarrassed about David Bentley’s name being spelt incorrectly on the back of his shirt. The kit-man must regret asking for help from Robbie Savage. 11/5 for a Fulham win over Blackburn will spell a tidy profit.
Roy Keane is a promising young manager; he’s promising to knock out a number of his players if they don’t show a dramatic improvement. I’m piling into the 11/4 for a Sunderland draw at Everton.
I’m a sucker for a worthy cause, so i’m determined to raise £10,000 to aid research into the negative impact of reality TV on minor celebrities. I intend to take a hands-on role in the campaign; I hope to probe Sophie Anderton. Backing Manchester City at 8/13 against Reading will undoubtedly add to the kitty.
‘Mad Dave’ Whelan may have made a mistake in hiring the aesthetically challenged Steve Bruce. If their style of football proves as pleasing to the eye as the new manager; the supporters are going to see more long balls than Abigail Clancy. I’m looking up to the 1/6 for an Arsenal win over Wigan.
When Birmingham first poached Steve Bruce, they agreed to a clause allowing his former employers 15% of any future sell-on fee. A windfall of £450,000 will prove invaluable to the struggling Safari Park. Portsmouth will run wild against Birmingham at 7/5.
I’m quietly confident that Aston Villa will leave Middlesbrough with their customary three points. There is a question-mark over who will score the goals for the Villans, as Liam Ridgewell is unavailable. I’ll take a calculated risk at 17/10.
I’ve offered to take little Goliath to a Premier League match if he improves his behaviour, but the little runt has asked to watch wrestling instead. In a compromise that suits both parties, I’ve promised him a trip to watch England play football at Wembley; so we can both watch a group of sportsmen who aren’t really trying. Arsenal, Portsmouth, Manchester City and Fulham form an 11/1 accer that can lead to a down payment on the train fare.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
My little Goliath has been playing up recently. The wife has the cheek to say he takes after his father, although that does boil down to guesswork on her part.
I’ve gone out of my way to try and bond with the lad in an attempt to curb his misbehaviour. I even tried to connect with my feminine side; but I had to call it a day when my phone bill went through the roof.
I guess the problem lies in the fact that we have very little in common. The only sport that interests the little man is wrestling; as the sight of a horizontal 20 stone freak reminds him of his mother.
I just wish we had a relationship where we could share more with each other; like the Allardyces.
Big Sam must be regretting his claim that Rafa Benitez should be sacked as a result of poor Premiership form. You don’t have be a whiny Canadian dwarf to appreciate the irony. The 11/10 for a Liverpool win over Newcastle is positively gargantuan.
Wayne Rooney is studying English literature in a noble attempt to further his education. I’d love to hear his thoughts on ‘Where’s Spot’ and ‘The Cat in the Hat’. Rooney’s home-study may well lead to a GCSE: ‘grandmothers can sleep easily’. I’m getting up early to take 1/2 for a Manchester United win over Bolton.
I was looking forward to previewing the West Ham v Tottenham match, as Lennon and McCartney may share the same stage. Unfortunately, I’ve received a legal document informing me that I must address them as McCartney and Lennon. The 13/8 for a Tottenham win over West Ham is out of order.
Call me a lunatic conspiracy theorist; but is it a coincidence that a week after Frank Lampard admitted to being a Tory, he helped lead England out of Europe. I don’t need a referendum to accept 2/7 for a Chelsea win over Derby.
Blackburn are still embarrassed about David Bentley’s name being spelt incorrectly on the back of his shirt. The kit-man must regret asking for help from Robbie Savage. 11/5 for a Fulham win over Blackburn will spell a tidy profit.
Roy Keane is a promising young manager; he’s promising to knock out a number of his players if they don’t show a dramatic improvement. I’m piling into the 11/4 for a Sunderland draw at Everton.
I’m a sucker for a worthy cause, so i’m determined to raise £10,000 to aid research into the negative impact of reality TV on minor celebrities. I intend to take a hands-on role in the campaign; I hope to probe Sophie Anderton. Backing Manchester City at 8/13 against Reading will undoubtedly add to the kitty.
‘Mad Dave’ Whelan may have made a mistake in hiring the aesthetically challenged Steve Bruce. If their style of football proves as pleasing to the eye as the new manager; the supporters are going to see more long balls than Abigail Clancy. I’m looking up to the 1/6 for an Arsenal win over Wigan.
When Birmingham first poached Steve Bruce, they agreed to a clause allowing his former employers 15% of any future sell-on fee. A windfall of £450,000 will prove invaluable to the struggling Safari Park. Portsmouth will run wild against Birmingham at 7/5.
I’m quietly confident that Aston Villa will leave Middlesbrough with their customary three points. There is a question-mark over who will score the goals for the Villans, as Liam Ridgewell is unavailable. I’ll take a calculated risk at 17/10.
I’ve offered to take little Goliath to a Premier League match if he improves his behaviour, but the little runt has asked to watch wrestling instead. In a compromise that suits both parties, I’ve promised him a trip to watch England play football at Wembley; so we can both watch a group of sportsmen who aren’t really trying. Arsenal, Portsmouth, Manchester City and Fulham form an 11/1 accer that can lead to a down payment on the train fare.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
Thursday, November 15, 2007
On the third day…Heroes again
The wife is easily influenced by the mainstream media. Ever since the BBC first aired ‘Heroes’, she believes she has supernatural abilities. I’ve tried to explain that ‘sensing’ I’m not in a romantic mood does not equate to a ‘power’; she’s merely deduced that I haven’t been drinking heavily.
I, however, have a genuine gift. I can make kitchen appliances spring to life just by talking to them. Just last night, I switched the oven on by staring it and growling, “Cook…Cook now…Cook now or else.” It was a pressure cooker.
Tal Ben-Haim definitely has a unique ability, he can run in slow motion in real time. The plodding defender will become a bona fide English hero if Israel snatch a result against Russia.
The Russians have been priced up at 8/15 for the match, and that’s shorter than Paul McCartney’s arms. Only Croatia have won a competitive international in Israel over the last eight years; while France, England and Spain have all fell considerably short. The Israelis are a must-bet at 9/5 to avoid defeat.
If I had the choice of a new power to acquire, it would definitely be the ability to afford copious amounts of alcohol without the need for employment. Only the rich and the Scottish can currently pull this off.
The Jocks are one win away from arguably the greatest shock in international football since Ryan Giggs played two consecutive games for Wales. I can’t see the Italians surrendering, but 10/3 about the Sweaties is verging on tempting.
Peter Reid, Terry Venables and Ron Atkinson have all been linked with the vacant managerial hotseat with the Republic of Ireland. Even after 400 years; we never tire of stitching up the Irish.
Ireland may be rudderless, but they face a Welsh team with even less direction. Wales have definitely gone backwards under John ‘one good decision’ Toshack; his penultimate game in charge may well end in a draw at 9/4.
Many people are under the false impression that it was the English who invented the beautiful game. It’s a little known fact that it was actually an Irishman whose potato was too hot. I think we all know that Denmark are too strong for Northern Ireland at 5/4.
For a modern day footballer, a healthy diet is absolutely essential - so I’m guessing that Sir Alex Ferguson is far from happy with Ronaldo. The orange winger is quoted as saying, “I dated a girl from Manchester, and she showed me that steak pies and chips are very good.” I was left flabbergasted by this revelation: Ronaldo dated a girl. Portugal are the weekend banker at 1/12 against Armenia.
The more I think about it, the most useful super-power to possess would definitely be X-ray vision. Imagine the possibilities: you could wander around the streets at night, checking for fractured metatarsals. I can see right through the 1/2 for a Czech Republic win over Slovakia.
When angry, I am blessed with super-human strength. All it would take for me to lift the wife clear up into the air is mild provocation and a forklift truck. Spain will run over Sweden at a hefty 4/5.
As much as I enjoy being able to pick up overweight women, I’d much rather be invisible; like the 1939 - 1945 chapter in a German history book. We won’t be seeing 1/6 for a Germany win over Cyprus for very long.
One often underrated power is the ability to absorb the strengths of those around you. I could meet up with Arsene Wenger and ooze intelligence, chat with Jeff Stelling and become cool, or sit down with Oliver Holt and write inane drivel. I’m definitely feeling the 5/4 for Norway against the soon to be eliminated Turks.
Time travel remains the ultimate goal for all sci-fi obsessed nerds. There’s no doubt that the world could potentially be changed for the better: we could eliminate the cause of wars, famine, decease and Frank Lampard. Nothing can stop Denmark, Portugal, Czech Republic, Spain, Germany and Norway from landing an 11/1 accer.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
I, however, have a genuine gift. I can make kitchen appliances spring to life just by talking to them. Just last night, I switched the oven on by staring it and growling, “Cook…Cook now…Cook now or else.” It was a pressure cooker.
Tal Ben-Haim definitely has a unique ability, he can run in slow motion in real time. The plodding defender will become a bona fide English hero if Israel snatch a result against Russia.
The Russians have been priced up at 8/15 for the match, and that’s shorter than Paul McCartney’s arms. Only Croatia have won a competitive international in Israel over the last eight years; while France, England and Spain have all fell considerably short. The Israelis are a must-bet at 9/5 to avoid defeat.
If I had the choice of a new power to acquire, it would definitely be the ability to afford copious amounts of alcohol without the need for employment. Only the rich and the Scottish can currently pull this off.
The Jocks are one win away from arguably the greatest shock in international football since Ryan Giggs played two consecutive games for Wales. I can’t see the Italians surrendering, but 10/3 about the Sweaties is verging on tempting.
Peter Reid, Terry Venables and Ron Atkinson have all been linked with the vacant managerial hotseat with the Republic of Ireland. Even after 400 years; we never tire of stitching up the Irish.
Ireland may be rudderless, but they face a Welsh team with even less direction. Wales have definitely gone backwards under John ‘one good decision’ Toshack; his penultimate game in charge may well end in a draw at 9/4.
Many people are under the false impression that it was the English who invented the beautiful game. It’s a little known fact that it was actually an Irishman whose potato was too hot. I think we all know that Denmark are too strong for Northern Ireland at 5/4.
For a modern day footballer, a healthy diet is absolutely essential - so I’m guessing that Sir Alex Ferguson is far from happy with Ronaldo. The orange winger is quoted as saying, “I dated a girl from Manchester, and she showed me that steak pies and chips are very good.” I was left flabbergasted by this revelation: Ronaldo dated a girl. Portugal are the weekend banker at 1/12 against Armenia.
The more I think about it, the most useful super-power to possess would definitely be X-ray vision. Imagine the possibilities: you could wander around the streets at night, checking for fractured metatarsals. I can see right through the 1/2 for a Czech Republic win over Slovakia.
When angry, I am blessed with super-human strength. All it would take for me to lift the wife clear up into the air is mild provocation and a forklift truck. Spain will run over Sweden at a hefty 4/5.
As much as I enjoy being able to pick up overweight women, I’d much rather be invisible; like the 1939 - 1945 chapter in a German history book. We won’t be seeing 1/6 for a Germany win over Cyprus for very long.
One often underrated power is the ability to absorb the strengths of those around you. I could meet up with Arsene Wenger and ooze intelligence, chat with Jeff Stelling and become cool, or sit down with Oliver Holt and write inane drivel. I’m definitely feeling the 5/4 for Norway against the soon to be eliminated Turks.
Time travel remains the ultimate goal for all sci-fi obsessed nerds. There’s no doubt that the world could potentially be changed for the better: we could eliminate the cause of wars, famine, decease and Frank Lampard. Nothing can stop Denmark, Portugal, Czech Republic, Spain, Germany and Norway from landing an 11/1 accer.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
Thursday, November 8, 2007
The Wright to remain silent
Advertisements rarely reflect real life. Take the long-running advert where an irritating couple attempt to arrange a £25,000 loan.
When the bint turns to her slow-witted spouse and asks, “How much do we want to borrow again?” midway through the negotiations, the so-called male doesn’t even attempt to administer the appropriate response to her fundamental lack of preparation.
The ending is also a complete fabrication. When she says, “Josh, Dad’s found your scooter,” it breaks off before she can add, “He’s going to need it now he has to sell his car to allow us to meet the crippling repayments that will burden us until we welcome death like a long-lost relative.”
Deregulation in the betting industry has finally allowed bookmakers to lie on television. I was extremely disappointed with the one starring Ian Wright. The former Gunner plays an opinionated buffoon; which is hardly a great stretch.
I’d like to have seen Kelly Dalglish and Georgie Thompson front the campaign. Picture the scene: the girls are lying on a four-poster bed, tickling each other and discussing the weekend football. Suddenly, a slight difference of opinion develops into a full blown pillow-fight. The excited pair then realise that a small bet would settle their differences amicably. They then kiss and make up for a couple of minutes.
I have no history in the advertising sector, but I genuinely think that this ad would prove a real winner, and I’ve been thinking about it quite a lot. I also think Arsenal are a cracking bet at 4/7 to leave Reading with the three points.
Advertising is undoubtedly effective. When the ‘Did you have an accident that wasn’t your fault?’ campaign first ran, they received an immediate response from a Mr. Savage. There’s nothing disappointing about the 7/2 for a draw between Manchester United and Blackburn.
Bolton were in the Heather Mills position last week, they were left stunned after a stellar McCartney volley. West Ham managed to blow the lead that day, there won’t be a repeat against a downtrodden Derby. The Hammers will walk it at 13/10.
Mike Ashley has been advised not to wear his replica shirt in the Stadium of Light, as there’s a chance he might antagonise the home supporters. I’d have thought the fact that he was 44 would have been a more persuasive argument. Newcastle have come out on top on their last five meetings with Sunderland, I fancy a repeat at 13/8.
The press have reported the news that Wigan are considering appointing Graeme Souness as a successor to Chris Hutchings. Dave Whelan is absolutely furious with the leak, he wanted to keep the details of ‘Operation Coca Cola’ secret. Tottenham are my five star weekend bankers against the freefalling Wigan. I’m hitting the 4/7 hard.
Liam Ridgewell will be getting plenty of stick in the Birmingham derby. The limited defender was a definite tryer when he played for the Villa; he’d try to concede three penalties a match. Blues v Villa has ‘draw’ written all over it, I’ll happily play at 9/4.
Gerry Sutcliffe may have an exceptionally cool name, but that does not give him the right to label John Terry’s wages ‘obscene’. A more acceptable target for his ire would have been the desperate Ian Wright. I’m unsure of the restitution that Wrighty receives for his multiple radio and television appearances, but even if they were all gratis; he’d still be grossly overpaid. We should all have a cheeky punt on Chelsea to beat Everton at 4/11.
Fernando Torres is now a fully fledged Liverpudlian, he’s just had a week off on the sick. Liverpool are in fine fettle after an eight goal extravaganza in midweek, they’ll take care of Fulham at 1/3.
According to a recent poll, Middlesbrough is the worst place to live in Britain. I can only assume that Coventry was disqualified to make it a competitive heat. The Boro are unbeaten against Bolton in their last eight meets, their star players can sneak a draw at the Reebok at 12/5, before heading home to Newcastle.
Portsmouth look a decent call at 11/10 to see off Manchester City, but I’m more interested in the ‘which City player will hospitalise Pedro Mendes’ market. Ben Thatcher and Joey Barton are both previous winners of this exciting new novelty bet, but I hear Dietmar Hamann has been laid out specifically for this one.
I was absolutely devastated when a freak strike from Luke Young stopped the accer from obliging last week. I was left hurt, shocked, sickened and bewildered, it was like watching Ian Wright’s ‘Chicken Tonight’ advert all over again. Liverpool, Chelsea, Tottenham, Arsenal and a Birmingham draw form a 12/1 weekend accer that can help banish that distressing memory.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
When the bint turns to her slow-witted spouse and asks, “How much do we want to borrow again?” midway through the negotiations, the so-called male doesn’t even attempt to administer the appropriate response to her fundamental lack of preparation.
The ending is also a complete fabrication. When she says, “Josh, Dad’s found your scooter,” it breaks off before she can add, “He’s going to need it now he has to sell his car to allow us to meet the crippling repayments that will burden us until we welcome death like a long-lost relative.”
Deregulation in the betting industry has finally allowed bookmakers to lie on television. I was extremely disappointed with the one starring Ian Wright. The former Gunner plays an opinionated buffoon; which is hardly a great stretch.
I’d like to have seen Kelly Dalglish and Georgie Thompson front the campaign. Picture the scene: the girls are lying on a four-poster bed, tickling each other and discussing the weekend football. Suddenly, a slight difference of opinion develops into a full blown pillow-fight. The excited pair then realise that a small bet would settle their differences amicably. They then kiss and make up for a couple of minutes.
I have no history in the advertising sector, but I genuinely think that this ad would prove a real winner, and I’ve been thinking about it quite a lot. I also think Arsenal are a cracking bet at 4/7 to leave Reading with the three points.
Advertising is undoubtedly effective. When the ‘Did you have an accident that wasn’t your fault?’ campaign first ran, they received an immediate response from a Mr. Savage. There’s nothing disappointing about the 7/2 for a draw between Manchester United and Blackburn.
Bolton were in the Heather Mills position last week, they were left stunned after a stellar McCartney volley. West Ham managed to blow the lead that day, there won’t be a repeat against a downtrodden Derby. The Hammers will walk it at 13/10.
Mike Ashley has been advised not to wear his replica shirt in the Stadium of Light, as there’s a chance he might antagonise the home supporters. I’d have thought the fact that he was 44 would have been a more persuasive argument. Newcastle have come out on top on their last five meetings with Sunderland, I fancy a repeat at 13/8.
The press have reported the news that Wigan are considering appointing Graeme Souness as a successor to Chris Hutchings. Dave Whelan is absolutely furious with the leak, he wanted to keep the details of ‘Operation Coca Cola’ secret. Tottenham are my five star weekend bankers against the freefalling Wigan. I’m hitting the 4/7 hard.
Liam Ridgewell will be getting plenty of stick in the Birmingham derby. The limited defender was a definite tryer when he played for the Villa; he’d try to concede three penalties a match. Blues v Villa has ‘draw’ written all over it, I’ll happily play at 9/4.
Gerry Sutcliffe may have an exceptionally cool name, but that does not give him the right to label John Terry’s wages ‘obscene’. A more acceptable target for his ire would have been the desperate Ian Wright. I’m unsure of the restitution that Wrighty receives for his multiple radio and television appearances, but even if they were all gratis; he’d still be grossly overpaid. We should all have a cheeky punt on Chelsea to beat Everton at 4/11.
Fernando Torres is now a fully fledged Liverpudlian, he’s just had a week off on the sick. Liverpool are in fine fettle after an eight goal extravaganza in midweek, they’ll take care of Fulham at 1/3.
According to a recent poll, Middlesbrough is the worst place to live in Britain. I can only assume that Coventry was disqualified to make it a competitive heat. The Boro are unbeaten against Bolton in their last eight meets, their star players can sneak a draw at the Reebok at 12/5, before heading home to Newcastle.
Portsmouth look a decent call at 11/10 to see off Manchester City, but I’m more interested in the ‘which City player will hospitalise Pedro Mendes’ market. Ben Thatcher and Joey Barton are both previous winners of this exciting new novelty bet, but I hear Dietmar Hamann has been laid out specifically for this one.
I was absolutely devastated when a freak strike from Luke Young stopped the accer from obliging last week. I was left hurt, shocked, sickened and bewildered, it was like watching Ian Wright’s ‘Chicken Tonight’ advert all over again. Liverpool, Chelsea, Tottenham, Arsenal and a Birmingham draw form a 12/1 weekend accer that can help banish that distressing memory.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
Thursday, November 1, 2007
This is the ode to Hel
I’ve never been particularly lucky in love. As a result of a severe lack of confidence, I can only approach women after a skinful of lager when the beer goggles are on. Even Kermit would have turned his nose up at some of the pigs I’ve tried my luck with.
I raised the bar marginally higher when I emailed Helen Chamberlain to ask for a date, but she just blew me off.
I did find fleeting love with a diminutive woman called Dot. But just like the unfortunate Martin Jol, I was dumped via a text message. I’m completely over her now though; I buried her under the patio. After extensive digging I’ve discovered 13/8 for a Tottenham win over Middlesbrough.
Rent-a-quote WAG Cheryl Cole claimed that her ‘husband’ didn’t enjoy his final days at Arsenal as he believed that his foreign team-mates were all ‘talking about him’. I find it amazing that a talented footballer with a loving wife could end up such a paranoid wreck; and Ashley Cole is definitely a talented footballer. The 4/9 for a Chelsea win over Wigan is convenient.
Steve Bruce is definitely feeling the pressure. The potato-headed manger couldn’t bear to watch as Birmingham played Wigan last week; although this is not necessarily an uncommon phenomenon amongst the regulars of St Andrews. Everton can be backed at 8/11 against Birmingham; that’s unusually exhilarating.
It’s no coincidence that Arsenal are producing champagne football after dropping the bitter Lehmann. I believe the morale-boosting team huddle is a major factor in the Gunners’ improved form, or it may just be an opportunity to talk about Ashley Cole. Everybody should be talking about the 6/4 for an Arsenal win over Manchester United.
Sam Allardyce will go head to head with Harry Redknapp at St James’ Park, in a match that the gutter press are labelling ‘Panorama II’. I’ve been investigating the history to this fixture and I’ve discovered that Pompey last won in Newcastle in 1949. The Toon can continue their practical ownership at 11/10.
A member of the Royal family has allegedly been caught up in a sex scandal. I just hope it’s not Charlie, as i have absolutely no interest in hippophilia. One set of Royals who won’t be going down is Reading; they’ll leave Fulham with a point at 9/4.
Aston Villa appear to be certainties at 1/2 against a woeful Derby County. The Villa have looked fearsome on their own patch this season, while the Rams are conceding almost three goals a game on the road. The only money going on Derby will be Freddie Flintoff’s.
Phil Gartside must have had a few jars when he appointed Gary Megson. I’m all for positive discrimination, but this move reeks of desperation. Luckily for Bolton, West Ham have been decimated by injuries. Bolton can sneak a fortuitous draw at 5/2.
Like most people who enjoy a swift couple of beers, I often struggle to undress when I’m the worse for wear. I’ve now patented a machine that takes your shirt off for you automatically; it’s provisionally called ‘The Carragher’. I’m all over the 11/5 for a Blackburn win over a depleted Liverpool.
Manchester City may have started the season impressively, but Sven was on the receiving end of a real spanking at Chelsea last week. To make matters even worse, his team then lost 6-0 at Stamford Bridge. I believe that result was merely a blip; City will explode into life on bonfire night against Sunderland at 8/13.
Being a persistent soul, I’ve decided to ask Helen Chamberlain to accompany me to a small fireworks display. I’ve already bought her a Catherine wheel and a rocket; I just want a banger now. Aston Villa, Everton, Tottenham, Chelsea and Manchester City form a 13/1 weekend accer that will more than cover the expense.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
I raised the bar marginally higher when I emailed Helen Chamberlain to ask for a date, but she just blew me off.
I did find fleeting love with a diminutive woman called Dot. But just like the unfortunate Martin Jol, I was dumped via a text message. I’m completely over her now though; I buried her under the patio. After extensive digging I’ve discovered 13/8 for a Tottenham win over Middlesbrough.
Rent-a-quote WAG Cheryl Cole claimed that her ‘husband’ didn’t enjoy his final days at Arsenal as he believed that his foreign team-mates were all ‘talking about him’. I find it amazing that a talented footballer with a loving wife could end up such a paranoid wreck; and Ashley Cole is definitely a talented footballer. The 4/9 for a Chelsea win over Wigan is convenient.
Steve Bruce is definitely feeling the pressure. The potato-headed manger couldn’t bear to watch as Birmingham played Wigan last week; although this is not necessarily an uncommon phenomenon amongst the regulars of St Andrews. Everton can be backed at 8/11 against Birmingham; that’s unusually exhilarating.
It’s no coincidence that Arsenal are producing champagne football after dropping the bitter Lehmann. I believe the morale-boosting team huddle is a major factor in the Gunners’ improved form, or it may just be an opportunity to talk about Ashley Cole. Everybody should be talking about the 6/4 for an Arsenal win over Manchester United.
Sam Allardyce will go head to head with Harry Redknapp at St James’ Park, in a match that the gutter press are labelling ‘Panorama II’. I’ve been investigating the history to this fixture and I’ve discovered that Pompey last won in Newcastle in 1949. The Toon can continue their practical ownership at 11/10.
A member of the Royal family has allegedly been caught up in a sex scandal. I just hope it’s not Charlie, as i have absolutely no interest in hippophilia. One set of Royals who won’t be going down is Reading; they’ll leave Fulham with a point at 9/4.
Aston Villa appear to be certainties at 1/2 against a woeful Derby County. The Villa have looked fearsome on their own patch this season, while the Rams are conceding almost three goals a game on the road. The only money going on Derby will be Freddie Flintoff’s.
Phil Gartside must have had a few jars when he appointed Gary Megson. I’m all for positive discrimination, but this move reeks of desperation. Luckily for Bolton, West Ham have been decimated by injuries. Bolton can sneak a fortuitous draw at 5/2.
Like most people who enjoy a swift couple of beers, I often struggle to undress when I’m the worse for wear. I’ve now patented a machine that takes your shirt off for you automatically; it’s provisionally called ‘The Carragher’. I’m all over the 11/5 for a Blackburn win over a depleted Liverpool.
Manchester City may have started the season impressively, but Sven was on the receiving end of a real spanking at Chelsea last week. To make matters even worse, his team then lost 6-0 at Stamford Bridge. I believe that result was merely a blip; City will explode into life on bonfire night against Sunderland at 8/13.
Being a persistent soul, I’ve decided to ask Helen Chamberlain to accompany me to a small fireworks display. I’ve already bought her a Catherine wheel and a rocket; I just want a banger now. Aston Villa, Everton, Tottenham, Chelsea and Manchester City form a 13/1 weekend accer that will more than cover the expense.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Lies, Damn Lies and Jamie Redknapp
My heart goes out to supporters of Liverpool FC. The club have been rocked by Champions League failure, the validity of their Merseyside derby victory has been questioned, and they have to travel to Liverpool at least once a fortnight.
Steven Gerrard probably received the brunt of the criticism after the controversial derby day win. I have an enormous amount of sympathy for the talismanic captain; it can’t be easy to play football, roll over and referee all at the same time.
The persecution of Dirk Kuyt is equally as perplexing. The flying Dutchman was pilloried for an alleged dangerous tackle, but who wouldn’t jump in the air if they caught an unexpected glimpse of Phil Neville?
Jamie Redknapp has also been slaughtered for a perceived bias in his punditry. The ex-Red claimed that Jamie Carragher’s body-slam of Joleon Lescott did not merit a penalty, and amusingly maintained his stance while watching replays of the assault. Even Comical Ali would have thrown his hands up on that one.
I hope Jamie will be in the studio for Sunday’s big Liverpool v Arsenal match, as I’m trying to land a touch on potential Redknapp quotes. ‘Stevie didn’t dive, he fell over,’ ‘This rotation policy is a masterstroke,’ ‘Sure, Jamie kicked him three times, but they were accidental’ and ‘Rafa’s beard does not make him look camper than a bowl of strawberries’ are all confident selections.
I’ll probably have to settle for a bet on Arsenal to win the match. The Gunners are flying high in the Premiership and they scored a magnificent seven in midweek. I’m going to dive on the 21/10 like i’ve just received the merest of nudges outside of a penalty area.
Fulham have to be opposed at the Stadium of Light. Apparently, millions of Chinese people have been killed, and people are pointing the finger at Chairman Mo. Sunderland look a great bet at 11/10 to take advantage of a club in crisis.
Dave Whelan remains a genuine character. He’s quick to condemn foreign managers, third-party player ownership and the loan system, yet his views on price fixing in the retail industry are kept remarkably close to his chest. The 23/20 for a Birmingham win over Wigan is vastly over inflated.
I’ve got a lot of time for Sven Goran Eriksson, probably because he’s pulled more darlings than the Chancellor of the Exchequer’s wife. The 3/1 for Manchester City leaving Chelsea with a draw ticks a multitude of boxes.
Joey Barton’s return to first team action will take his mind off the impending court case. There’s a real chance that Joey may end up doing a little stretch, and his cellmate will definitely be doing a little bird. You should be locked up if you miss out on the 13/8 for a Newcastle win at Reading.
The wife is a massive fan of MC Hammer: she sings ‘you can’t touch this’ every night. Everybody’s a winner. You don’t have to be drunk to partake in the 4/1 for a West Ham win over Pompey.
Bolton have reportedly made Gary Megson and Graeme Souness their top two targets in their search for a new manager. I’m guessing that Phil Gartside is in possession of a barrel with extensive scrape damage. The Villa are unbeaten in four at the Reebok, they’re practically unmissable at 19/10 against a Bolton side tottering on the verge of self destruction.
Tottenham are also in a spot of bother. Jermain Defoe can’t make the bench and Berbatov refuses to leave it. Darren Bent is about as potent as a half a shandy and they have more holes in their defence than OJ. Recent history suggests that Blackburn will hold Tottenham to a draw at 23/10; I absolutely refuse to argue.
Middlesbrough have been rocked by injury news ahead of their trip to Old Trafford: Mido is definitely fit. Bookies have opened the spread on Ronaldo’s dive to earn the penalty at 65–68 minutes, and that’s probably a sell. United are the weekend banker at 1/5.
Keith Hackett had to apologise to Rafa Benitez earlier in the season after a poor refereeing performance: I wouldn’t like to think about what he now owes David Moyes. Well certainly not while other people are in the office. Everton are only facing 11 men against Derby this week, they’ll hack up at 13/10.
The only real positive to emerge from the Merseyside derby was the revelation that Phil Neville was quite good with his hands. I’m guessing that’s born of necessity. Newcastle, Everton and Arsenal are the standout weekend picks, they form a 17/1 treble that even Phil can get on.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
Steven Gerrard probably received the brunt of the criticism after the controversial derby day win. I have an enormous amount of sympathy for the talismanic captain; it can’t be easy to play football, roll over and referee all at the same time.
The persecution of Dirk Kuyt is equally as perplexing. The flying Dutchman was pilloried for an alleged dangerous tackle, but who wouldn’t jump in the air if they caught an unexpected glimpse of Phil Neville?
Jamie Redknapp has also been slaughtered for a perceived bias in his punditry. The ex-Red claimed that Jamie Carragher’s body-slam of Joleon Lescott did not merit a penalty, and amusingly maintained his stance while watching replays of the assault. Even Comical Ali would have thrown his hands up on that one.
I hope Jamie will be in the studio for Sunday’s big Liverpool v Arsenal match, as I’m trying to land a touch on potential Redknapp quotes. ‘Stevie didn’t dive, he fell over,’ ‘This rotation policy is a masterstroke,’ ‘Sure, Jamie kicked him three times, but they were accidental’ and ‘Rafa’s beard does not make him look camper than a bowl of strawberries’ are all confident selections.
I’ll probably have to settle for a bet on Arsenal to win the match. The Gunners are flying high in the Premiership and they scored a magnificent seven in midweek. I’m going to dive on the 21/10 like i’ve just received the merest of nudges outside of a penalty area.
Fulham have to be opposed at the Stadium of Light. Apparently, millions of Chinese people have been killed, and people are pointing the finger at Chairman Mo. Sunderland look a great bet at 11/10 to take advantage of a club in crisis.
Dave Whelan remains a genuine character. He’s quick to condemn foreign managers, third-party player ownership and the loan system, yet his views on price fixing in the retail industry are kept remarkably close to his chest. The 23/20 for a Birmingham win over Wigan is vastly over inflated.
I’ve got a lot of time for Sven Goran Eriksson, probably because he’s pulled more darlings than the Chancellor of the Exchequer’s wife. The 3/1 for Manchester City leaving Chelsea with a draw ticks a multitude of boxes.
Joey Barton’s return to first team action will take his mind off the impending court case. There’s a real chance that Joey may end up doing a little stretch, and his cellmate will definitely be doing a little bird. You should be locked up if you miss out on the 13/8 for a Newcastle win at Reading.
The wife is a massive fan of MC Hammer: she sings ‘you can’t touch this’ every night. Everybody’s a winner. You don’t have to be drunk to partake in the 4/1 for a West Ham win over Pompey.
Bolton have reportedly made Gary Megson and Graeme Souness their top two targets in their search for a new manager. I’m guessing that Phil Gartside is in possession of a barrel with extensive scrape damage. The Villa are unbeaten in four at the Reebok, they’re practically unmissable at 19/10 against a Bolton side tottering on the verge of self destruction.
Tottenham are also in a spot of bother. Jermain Defoe can’t make the bench and Berbatov refuses to leave it. Darren Bent is about as potent as a half a shandy and they have more holes in their defence than OJ. Recent history suggests that Blackburn will hold Tottenham to a draw at 23/10; I absolutely refuse to argue.
Middlesbrough have been rocked by injury news ahead of their trip to Old Trafford: Mido is definitely fit. Bookies have opened the spread on Ronaldo’s dive to earn the penalty at 65–68 minutes, and that’s probably a sell. United are the weekend banker at 1/5.
Keith Hackett had to apologise to Rafa Benitez earlier in the season after a poor refereeing performance: I wouldn’t like to think about what he now owes David Moyes. Well certainly not while other people are in the office. Everton are only facing 11 men against Derby this week, they’ll hack up at 13/10.
The only real positive to emerge from the Merseyside derby was the revelation that Phil Neville was quite good with his hands. I’m guessing that’s born of necessity. Newcastle, Everton and Arsenal are the standout weekend picks, they form a 17/1 treble that even Phil can get on.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Cole, Frank Incensed and Meh
I’ve never been a great fan of Steve McClaren, but it’s wholly unfair to place the blame for the death of English football at the feet of one hapless individual. Personally, I hold Frank Lampard solely responsible.
The great and the good of the world of punditry, and David Platt, have all been quick to defend the tubby midfielder, claiming that criticism is unjustified.
These washed-up has-beens have obviously forgotten his poor recent performances, his demand for respect rather than throwing his hands up, Frank TV, protracted contract negotiations, the 9/11 bevvy-up, the ‘these are my people’ line, the undignified Hammer-bashing, the ‘Super Goals’ advert and the Jamie Redknapp connection.
The woeful national anthem is also a contributory factor to our demise. I don’t really understand why we need to pay homage to Ashley Cole.
Looking forward, we should introduce a more upbeat tune that will help keep Frank Lampard’s feet on the ground. ‘Lip up Fatty’ fits the bill perfectly. I can’t keep quiet about the 11/4 for a draw between Middlesbrough and Chelsea.
After a dreadful start to the season with Bolton, little Sammy Lee is now searching for a new career. I suppose he could always become a jockey, like Ashley Cole. I’m not horsing around with the 2/9 for an Arsenal win over Bolton.
Wayne Rooney and Carlos Tevez are not a striking partnership, in more ways than one. Aston Villa are an absolute beast in front of their own supporters, they look overpriced at 4/1 to land the shock.
The Royals really enjoyed their trip to Blackburn last season; it was probably funded by the tax-payer. Rovers have definitely improved since then, while Reading have gone backwards like a drunken crab. I’ll happily take 8/11 about a Blackburn side on the up.
Fulham are a lot like Princess Diana. They looked good for a while, but they’ve hit a wall. After six games without a win, a home match against Derby will reverse their fortunes at 3/4.
It’s not been a good week for Ashley Cole. The controversial defender faces a prolonged spell out of the game, as his cushions no longer match his drapes. A defeat for Tottenham at Newcastle will spell curtains for Martin Jol; a hard earned point may be enough to prolong the agony at 23/10.
Steve Bruce has demanded face-to-face talks with Carson Yeung. The billionaire is no mug though; he’s bringing a couple of paper bags with him. There’s no disguising the fact that Manchester City are a lock at 3/5 at home to Birmingham.
Benjani has now added goals to his repertoire: it now consists of goals. The 8/5 for a Pompey win over Wigan is everything you ever wanted in a football bet, and a little bit more.
I’m not sure if I buy this new cuddly easy-going persona of Roy Keane. It wouldn’t surprise me if the Sunderland manager was seen holding a hammer on the touchline, preferably Craig Bellamy. West Ham can send Keano closer to the edge at 10/11.
The Merseyside derby is probably the toughest nut to crack on the weekend coupon. I honestly don’t know which set of supporters will be bragging at work on Monday morning; probably because the question is fundamentally flawed. I can’t pick a hole in the 9/4 for a draw between Everton and Liverpool.
I only wish that footballers could follow the example of their rugby playing counterparts. Although in fairness, Ashley Cole is doing his bit. The English rugby team are shoo-ins at even money with a nine point start against South Africa in the World Cup final.
Lewis Hamilton has the world at his feet, unlike Frank Lampard, who has to rely on updates from helpful associates. The 2/5 for young Lewis clinching the drivers’ championship is more than fair.
I think it’s time for the Frank Lampard bashing to cease. Nobody likes to see a fat kid get continually bullied, unless it has comedy value. Arsenal, Blackburn, Fulham, Man City and West Ham form a 10/1 weekend accer whose worth is beyond question.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
The great and the good of the world of punditry, and David Platt, have all been quick to defend the tubby midfielder, claiming that criticism is unjustified.
These washed-up has-beens have obviously forgotten his poor recent performances, his demand for respect rather than throwing his hands up, Frank TV, protracted contract negotiations, the 9/11 bevvy-up, the ‘these are my people’ line, the undignified Hammer-bashing, the ‘Super Goals’ advert and the Jamie Redknapp connection.
The woeful national anthem is also a contributory factor to our demise. I don’t really understand why we need to pay homage to Ashley Cole.
Looking forward, we should introduce a more upbeat tune that will help keep Frank Lampard’s feet on the ground. ‘Lip up Fatty’ fits the bill perfectly. I can’t keep quiet about the 11/4 for a draw between Middlesbrough and Chelsea.
After a dreadful start to the season with Bolton, little Sammy Lee is now searching for a new career. I suppose he could always become a jockey, like Ashley Cole. I’m not horsing around with the 2/9 for an Arsenal win over Bolton.
Wayne Rooney and Carlos Tevez are not a striking partnership, in more ways than one. Aston Villa are an absolute beast in front of their own supporters, they look overpriced at 4/1 to land the shock.
The Royals really enjoyed their trip to Blackburn last season; it was probably funded by the tax-payer. Rovers have definitely improved since then, while Reading have gone backwards like a drunken crab. I’ll happily take 8/11 about a Blackburn side on the up.
Fulham are a lot like Princess Diana. They looked good for a while, but they’ve hit a wall. After six games without a win, a home match against Derby will reverse their fortunes at 3/4.
It’s not been a good week for Ashley Cole. The controversial defender faces a prolonged spell out of the game, as his cushions no longer match his drapes. A defeat for Tottenham at Newcastle will spell curtains for Martin Jol; a hard earned point may be enough to prolong the agony at 23/10.
Steve Bruce has demanded face-to-face talks with Carson Yeung. The billionaire is no mug though; he’s bringing a couple of paper bags with him. There’s no disguising the fact that Manchester City are a lock at 3/5 at home to Birmingham.
Benjani has now added goals to his repertoire: it now consists of goals. The 8/5 for a Pompey win over Wigan is everything you ever wanted in a football bet, and a little bit more.
I’m not sure if I buy this new cuddly easy-going persona of Roy Keane. It wouldn’t surprise me if the Sunderland manager was seen holding a hammer on the touchline, preferably Craig Bellamy. West Ham can send Keano closer to the edge at 10/11.
The Merseyside derby is probably the toughest nut to crack on the weekend coupon. I honestly don’t know which set of supporters will be bragging at work on Monday morning; probably because the question is fundamentally flawed. I can’t pick a hole in the 9/4 for a draw between Everton and Liverpool.
I only wish that footballers could follow the example of their rugby playing counterparts. Although in fairness, Ashley Cole is doing his bit. The English rugby team are shoo-ins at even money with a nine point start against South Africa in the World Cup final.
Lewis Hamilton has the world at his feet, unlike Frank Lampard, who has to rely on updates from helpful associates. The 2/5 for young Lewis clinching the drivers’ championship is more than fair.
I think it’s time for the Frank Lampard bashing to cease. Nobody likes to see a fat kid get continually bullied, unless it has comedy value. Arsenal, Blackburn, Fulham, Man City and West Ham form a 10/1 weekend accer whose worth is beyond question.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
Thursday, October 11, 2007
One flu over…the cuckoo’s next
Even by my own modest standards, it’s been a bad week. I’ve been left virtually incapacitated by what I can only assume is a new super-strain of bird flu, possibly created by an increasingly desperate rogue element of the bookmaking industry.
I started feeling nauseous last Saturday, but I understandably put it down to watching Sharon Osbourne. I suspected something was awry the following day, when I ate all of the wife’s dinner, and my worst fears were confirmed on the night, when for the first time in three years I was forced to hit the scratcher while the wife was still awake.
I’m not one to complain though. It’s like my mom always says: when life throws you lemons; make a DVD.
I’ve used the time I’ve been laid up to study the weekend football action. England look to be good things against a shockingly poor Estonia side. Steve McClaren’s team will be full of confidence after their recent Ashley Cole inspired run; they’ve easily rolled over a couple of bums. They’re super-short at 1/12, but it’s virtually risk-free.
Personally, I’d rather have a little punt on Wayne Rooney scoring at any time at 5/4. Michael Owen has been lucky enough to receive two thumbs up from a German bint, but I suspect McClaren may save the tiny hitman for Russia on Wednesday.
The most enticing ‘special’ is probably an England clean sheet at a hugely tempting 4/9. I’m naturally worried about the form of Paul ‘Iranian shoplifter’ Robinson, but the Estonians lack the quality to take advantage.
The Republic of Ireland have been rocked by the withdrawal of Stephen Ireland. I guess the Manchester City man is still embarrassed after bumping off more grandmothers than Harold Shipman.
The Irish have turned to Alex Bruce in their search for quality cover. The solid defender is a real chip off the old block: he’s not good enough to play for England. The 23/10 for a draw between Ireland and Germany is unquestionably sound.
Julio Baptista couldn’t cut the mustard in the English Premier League: he was just a fat Francis Jeffers. The only thing chunkier than Bapman is the even money for Brazil kicking off their World Cup qualification campaign with a win against Colombia.
Whenever I think of the ‘lazy magician’, I picture the dwarf-like Paul Daniels looking up to the lovely Debbie McGee. The moniker actually belongs to Juan Roman Riquelme, who along with Carlos Tevez and Lionel Messi, form three solid reasons why Argentina look the call at 3/10 at home to Chile.
My ultra-flu has led to vivid hallucinations. I could have sworn I saw Scotland sitting on top of their qualification group. I’ll be having the crack when Ukraine see off the overachieving Jocks at a mammoth 11/4.
The Faroe Islands once held Scotland to a 2-2 draw. Some people were shocked by that result; the Sweaties rarely score two goals in a game. The French will absolutely destroy the Faroes at 1/25; it could well be a rugby score.
Another match where there could be a rugby score is the rugby match between England and France. The English look a great shout at even money with a nine point start against the always chokable French.
That Chabal is definitely a big lad, but I reckon I could take him: if it wasn’t for this damn mega-flu. Last week’s accer absolutely romped home, Brazil, Portugal, Turkey, Ukraine and Croatia will follow suit at a large and hairy 14/1.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
I started feeling nauseous last Saturday, but I understandably put it down to watching Sharon Osbourne. I suspected something was awry the following day, when I ate all of the wife’s dinner, and my worst fears were confirmed on the night, when for the first time in three years I was forced to hit the scratcher while the wife was still awake.
I’m not one to complain though. It’s like my mom always says: when life throws you lemons; make a DVD.
I’ve used the time I’ve been laid up to study the weekend football action. England look to be good things against a shockingly poor Estonia side. Steve McClaren’s team will be full of confidence after their recent Ashley Cole inspired run; they’ve easily rolled over a couple of bums. They’re super-short at 1/12, but it’s virtually risk-free.
Personally, I’d rather have a little punt on Wayne Rooney scoring at any time at 5/4. Michael Owen has been lucky enough to receive two thumbs up from a German bint, but I suspect McClaren may save the tiny hitman for Russia on Wednesday.
The most enticing ‘special’ is probably an England clean sheet at a hugely tempting 4/9. I’m naturally worried about the form of Paul ‘Iranian shoplifter’ Robinson, but the Estonians lack the quality to take advantage.
The Republic of Ireland have been rocked by the withdrawal of Stephen Ireland. I guess the Manchester City man is still embarrassed after bumping off more grandmothers than Harold Shipman.
The Irish have turned to Alex Bruce in their search for quality cover. The solid defender is a real chip off the old block: he’s not good enough to play for England. The 23/10 for a draw between Ireland and Germany is unquestionably sound.
Julio Baptista couldn’t cut the mustard in the English Premier League: he was just a fat Francis Jeffers. The only thing chunkier than Bapman is the even money for Brazil kicking off their World Cup qualification campaign with a win against Colombia.
Whenever I think of the ‘lazy magician’, I picture the dwarf-like Paul Daniels looking up to the lovely Debbie McGee. The moniker actually belongs to Juan Roman Riquelme, who along with Carlos Tevez and Lionel Messi, form three solid reasons why Argentina look the call at 3/10 at home to Chile.
My ultra-flu has led to vivid hallucinations. I could have sworn I saw Scotland sitting on top of their qualification group. I’ll be having the crack when Ukraine see off the overachieving Jocks at a mammoth 11/4.
The Faroe Islands once held Scotland to a 2-2 draw. Some people were shocked by that result; the Sweaties rarely score two goals in a game. The French will absolutely destroy the Faroes at 1/25; it could well be a rugby score.
Another match where there could be a rugby score is the rugby match between England and France. The English look a great shout at even money with a nine point start against the always chokable French.
That Chabal is definitely a big lad, but I reckon I could take him: if it wasn’t for this damn mega-flu. Last week’s accer absolutely romped home, Brazil, Portugal, Turkey, Ukraine and Croatia will follow suit at a large and hairy 14/1.
Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com
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